What I Thought Warmth Was

Do you truly believe in “Love”? I mean, I’m not one of those people who are completely and totally against loving or being loved, but what is Love exactly? I’ve always wanted an answer as to why people fall in or out of love. Not all love stories have happy endings.

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I met Charlotte (my ex wife) at an airport. I was getting aboard my flight back home to San Diego until my eyes just wanted to focus on this one woman sitting at the seat exactly to the left of me. She was dressed in warmer clothing so I was assuming she came from a particularly cold place. Assuming so, I hopped on the available seat next to her. I came up with a really idiotic pick-up line.

“Wow, you must be really hot… Even with all that clothing.” I said, trying to sound sophisticated but humorous. I heard the guy behind us laugh.

“Ha. No, my name is actually Charlotte Campbell. And you are?” She replied.

“Um… Hello?” She noticed me dozing off, thinking about something.

“Oh yeah sorry. Yeah, my name is Oliver Moore. Where are you coming from?” I finally said, spitting out anything that could come to mind.

“I’m coming from London. I went to visit some old friends. I am so jet lagged. I probably look like a complete mess, I’m actually quite scared to look at myself in the mirror.” She laughed, I melted.

“So do you live in San Diego or are you visiting someone here as well?” I asked.

“I actually live in San Diego. I miss sleeping in my own bed and as you can tell, I’ve missed the heat. I absolutely hate the cold.” She replied. I was so happy to hear that she lived in San Diego that I didn’t even hear anything she said after that.

“That’s great! I live there too. We should get together one day.” I said, hoping she said yes.

“Yeah that sounds cool! We should. I love meeting new people.” We both smiled.

Before the plane took off, I moved my things into the same bunk as hers hoping she wouldn’t mind and she didn’t. That whole plane ride consisted of us talking about music, food, art, books we love. It was great. I had never met someone with the exact same taste as me in almost everything. I really didn’t want the plane ride to end. I already felt so close to her than ever before and we had just met a couple hours earlier. I gave her my number and she smiled and told me she’d call whenever she was free. I finally arrived to my apartment and wanted to dive into my bed until I heard my cellphone ring. I didn’t recognize the number so I picked up and was hoping to hear from Charlotte.

“Hey, Oliver! It’s me Charlotte. I know you’re probably wondering how much of a creep I am for calling you so quickly, but I just wanted to let you know what my schedule was so you’d know when I would be busy ahead of time instead of making plans and it not working out.” So she told me her schedule and availability and I wrote it down on a post-it because my memory is almost as bad as my grandfather’s.

“Okay! Sounds great! Can’t wait!” I didn’t want her to think I was some obsessed creep, so I tried to sound as monotone as possible.

The phone call ended. I went to bed that night, never having felt that way in my 20 years of living. I barely knew the girl and I was more into her than anything else. I don’t even know how to explain the feeling I felt whenever I heard her voice. The next morning I made myself a cup of coffee and read the day’s newspaper. I did the usual thing I do on Sunday’s. Sunday is a day for those who need to relax, and me always wanting to relax couldn’t keep still from thinking about Charlotte. As hard as I tried, I couldn’t get her off my mind. Then I suddenly remembered about the 10 page essay I had to finish on the universe and the many different theories philosophers have about it so I went ahead and tried to finish it. I wanted to do anything but that, but knowing my professor, I went straight to work on that essay. I had only 5 more pages to do so I wasn’t too worried and besides, it was due on the following Tuesday. When I finally finished the essay, it was 4 pm. I pretty much rushed the whole process of the paper, but I didn’t care. I drove to the supermarket to get some needed groceries and as soon as I put the groceries in my trunk, my cellphone vibrated.

Wanna hangout tonight?

It was from Charlotte. I replied saying yes and she replied back telling me she’d meet me at my house. I texted her my address, but she didn’t reply. I got home and put the groceries away wondering about what I should wear tonight. I didn’t want to seem like I was trying too hard so I just threw on a pair of jeans, a t-shirt, and some sneakers. Next thing I know, Charlotte was on my doorstep ringing the doorbell. I opened the door and tried to keep my mouth from gaping wide. She gave me a rather tight hug and we then went off to the movie theaters. The movie wasn’t funny, but Charlotte thought it was hilarious and her laugh made me laugh. That night she held my hand as we walked to my car after the movie ended. I felt peaceful for once. On the car ride home she fell asleep and every time I came across a red light, I caught myself staring at her effortless beauty. When I got home, I really didn’t want to wake her up so I carried her and laid her on my bed while I sat on the couch. As much as I wanted to kiss her good night, I stopped myself from doing so and just thought about her while I watched t.v. It was 1 am when I heard little footsteps walking towards me. I looked up and Charlotte was smiling, touching my face gently with her soft and fragile hands. She sat next to me on the couch and without saying a word, started to fall asleep again. This time is when I kissed her forehead and tried to make her feel as comfortable as possible. The following morning as I made coffee, I remember her telling me about how much she loved coffee, so I made her a cup. She was happy and from the look on her face, she loved the smell of coffee in the morning.

“Mmm. Smells great!” She smiled, this time showing off her pearly whites. She was even more beautiful when she smiled like that.

“I was hoping you’d say that.” I smiled and gave her the cup of coffee. “You were really tired last night.”

“Oh God, I know. I never get enough sleep.” She said, sounding embarrassed. She then took a sip of her coffee.

“I had a really great time last night. I haven’t had that much fun since… Ever.” I chuckled.

“Yeah, I did too. We should do that more often. I feel like with you, everything is fun. Even the boring things in life.” She looked serious and she placed her small hand onto mine.

She left around noon to go back to her apartment. Before she left, she gave me a kiss. A KISS. And I thought I was the one taking things too fast. It had only been a day and a half since we met and things were already getting pretty intimate. Throughout the week days, she would find a way to see me before and after work. I did the same thing for her. During the weekends is when we spent every second with each other. Everyday felt like such a blessing to be able to be spending all my free time with her.

To help speed up the whole telling of this story, Charlotte and I were in love. Who knew 3 years would fly by so quickly? There were days when I would think about marrying her and I knew it would happen eventually, but the time finally came and I thought it just had to happen already. The day I proposed was the most nerve wrecking I’ve ever felt. Will she say yes? Is she committed enough to become my wife? So many questions were jumping in and around my head, it was crazy. I couldn’t stay still. I took Charlotte to the beach and we walked, talked, laughed and around sunset is when I decided to propose. I bent down on one knee and asked her to marry me. She was sobbing hysterically and I was hoping nobody would think I was trying to rape her, but I’m glad I could make out the word yes. Our marriage wasn’t by any means “perfect”, but we made it through for awhile. I loved her, she loved me. But as time flew by, I grew tired. Tired of a lot of things including my wife. I loved her, but I was not in love anymore and that’s what made me sad. It wasn’t my fault although I felt such a great deal of guilt whenever that feeling came upon me. How can one love another with such passion then have it end as time went by. Love is such a confusing concept. I thought she was the one that was going to grow tired of me, but instead I was the one growing tired of her. I think she noticed me distancing myself, but she didn’t want to say anything. I feel like she knows that it’s going to happen soon but she doesn’t want to admit that it is. Before I ended the marriage, I really took some time to think about all of it. What we had, what we shared… I couldn’t help but feel guilty. But I did it. Not too long ago was I obsessed with the girl and now I just wanted out. How does that even work? Love is dumb. Was it just me or was the feeling ever there in the first place? I was at the courthouse signing the divorce papers and I took a glance at Charlotte and she looked so sad. I’ve never seen her so sad. I could see it in her face, she had been crying the night before. I felt so bad that I wanted to cry. I held the sadness in and she signed the papers. The divorce was finalized, we were no longer husband and wife, but just strangers who had once been in love.

It felt unreal to me at first, but I got used to being alone again. I did miss her from time to time. I went to the mailbox and picked up my mail that still had Charlotte’s in it. I set Charlotte’s mail on the counter while I looked at mine. Nothing important. A year had gone by since Charlotte and I divorced. I went to the gym the day of my birthday and when I got home, I had a missed call from my parents. So I showered and got dressed pretty fancy because my parents wanted to take me out to eat. What felt like forever was only 10 minutes of a ride. I finally got there and they had a surprise party for me, it was cute. My mom took me to the corner of the house and explained to me that she invited Charlotte, but she didn’t want to come. My mom told me she wanted to wish me a happy birthday though. I was a pretty bummed because she was one of the people that never held grudges and was always happy so when my mom told me that, it kind of surprised me. Old friends came over and wished me a happy birthday and all that. I found myself thinking about Charlotte which was odd because I rarely ever did so. It was my birthday and I really didn’t want to think about my failed marriage so I tried to get as drunk as possible. The next morning I found myself in my own bed and wondering how I got there I called my dad and he explained everything that went down last night. Apparently I was so wasted that my parents almost had to take me to the E.R. I had the worst hangover so I spent the whole day watching the news and drinking soup.

I am now 30 years old with a wife and one child. I wanted to tell this story because I know a lot of people think Love is just rainbows and unicorns when it isn’t always like that. Your first love might be your only love or your first love can easily be forgotten. Feelings, courtships, anything really… It can all change in a second. You never know what to expect from people and that’s the one thing that sucks.