I can't seem to stick with one idea. I'm not done with "Another Sunset," but this idea popped into my head and I had to write it down so...
People always told me that you only had one life to live and not to screw it up. However, I had screwed mine up beyond repair. As I sat watching the waves crash over my feet, covering them in sand. I thought about what it would be like to go back. I couldn't think about it, not now.
The building was quiet behind me, everyone else was probably sleeping. I pulled my sweatshirt closer around my body and shivered. It was getting cold but I didn't want to go back inside yet. Tomorrow, was the day I got my second chance. People were talking. That was a given. But I was hoping they would see past what happened and maybe be willing to accept me.
The stars glimmered overhead the night was quiet and still; that was exactly how I wanted it to be. I was tired of the clammor of my old life. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. My dad was picking me up tomorrow and the next day I would be back at school. It was the first day for everyone after summer break so they would be nervous too.
They wouldn't ignore me though. They would glare, point and giggle. The thought made me nervous. I had put the people I cared about through hell. Now I had to pay.
My mom hated my guts. She had good reasons. I had put her through so much pain, so much suffering. She wasn't the only one I hurt though. I snapped out of my trance when I heard the door open behind me.
"Peyton?" My counselor Grace asked.
I turned around to face her. Her long, wavy brown hair was pulled into a low ponytail and her frail face looked tired. "Yeah?"
"Why don't you come inside, it's chilly," she suggested. Grace was amazing and I liked her a lot. But sometimes she could nag and worry a lot. She and been my counselor ever since I first came here and we had grown rather close.
"Just a few more minutes," I sighed.
Her brown eyes looked pleading, "Just a few more minutes," she repeated and retreated back into the building.
I turned back around and stared into the dark water. I grabbed a stick that was near me and started tracing random shapes into the sand. I drew my phone out of my pocket and scrolled down my contacts until I landed on his name, Carter. Oh, how I wanted to call him and explain myself. It was too late, he hated me more then anyone. We were supposed to be best friends but that idea was over.
I shoved the phone back into my pocket and stood up, I walked slowly back to the building. I paused at the door and traced my fingers over the letters engraved in stone next to the door "Gulf Shores Rehabilitation Center for teens." It was located in Alabama which was a long way away from my home in Washington. The door opened, "Stop dawdling, it's getting cold. Get inside," Grace said with a slight giggle and grabbed my hand, pulling me inside the bright room. It was the lounge, the bright yellow walls were a large contrast to the darkness I had been seeing outside. Their were few things on the wall except posters of flowers or some other artwork. Some people were still up, sitting on the tan couches talking or playing board games in a corner. Most of my friends were sleeping and I didn't see them. Suddenly I realized this could be the last time I saw some of these people.
My room was down the hall. It was a single room which I was rather pleased about. Being with someone else would just bother me. The room was basically empty now, practically all my belongings were packed in suitcases that were stacked in the corner. The desk I used to use to draw was cleared of all my clutter as well as the dresser. The beige walls had been stripped of the posters I had once hung there. My sheets and blankets were the only thing left folded neatly and laying on the bed.
I sighed and flopped onto the bed. I rested my head in my hands. As I drew back my head I saw the barely visible scars that lined my wrists. "This is the past," I muttered to myself. That wasn't the only reason I was here, there were plenty more but I didn't like to think about it.
My sweatshirt was making me warm so I took it off and walked over to the mirror. I toyed at my red hair and threw it up in a ponytail. I grimaced at my lightly freckled face. My cheeks were tears stained from some of the crying I had done earlier. With my hands I tried to scrub off some of the running mascara but it was no use.
I wasn't nervous about seeing my mom, or dad, or my older brother. My stomach did somersaults just thinking about it. I was worried about what people were saying about me. Being fourteen and doing the stuff I did was quite the news for the kids at my school and I was sure that was all they were talking about.
Carter would be at school and I hated myself for getting him into so much trouble. He had taken the blame for me too many times and the last time had proved to be more then he could handle. Everyone hated me for what I did to him. I had put him through hell and dragged him all the way through the flames again.
I wondered if he would talk to me. I bet against it-he was popular and he probably wouldn't want to talk to the girl who wrecked his last year in middle school.
Maybe he was thinking about me too...maybe he had forgiven me for what I had done. I wished everybody would just forget about it but they wouldn't and I was stupid to ever think they would. I turned onto my side and sighed. I had put this on myself and nobody else was to blame. I just had to get through the day after tomorrow, maybe after that, I could hope for things to get better.
End of chapter
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140,783 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Hiya, I’m here with your review. Sorry it took me a while. I ended up, just, not touching my computer but I’m very sorry. Anyway, here it is. I see that Eliza:) has pointed out most of the grammar issues but these are the big things I wanted to bring to attention.
Though Eliza:) had told you to make this two sentence (and I do agree) it just reads sort of…awkwardly. Try rewriting these so they are either one cohesive sentence or two sentences that flow into each other smoothly.
I’m not sure if it was just a silly accident, but there should be a comma after sand, not a period.
Try something more along the lines of: “The building was quiet behind me, probably because everyone else was sleeping.”
The comma is unnecessary and I would alter things a little. Like: “Tomorrow would be the day I would get my second chance.”
After what, add “had” and after “maybe” add “they would.”
This can all be one sentence like: “The night was quiet and still with the stars glimmering overhead, exactly the way I wanted it to be.”
This can be one sentence. “My mom hated my guts and with good reason.”
This just sounds funny with both “nag” and “worry a lot.” Try either: “..she could be a nag.” Or “…she was known to worry a lot.”
This doesn’t need the comma. Just use: “I shoved the phone back into my pocket and stood up, walking slowly back to the building.”
This needs a little fixing up too. Try: “I paused at the door and traced my fingers over the letters in graved in stone next to the frame:(double use of door is redundant and sounds bad.) “Gulf Shores Rehabilitation Center for Teens.” Don’t forget to capitalize.
Here, you can remove a few words (I know that sounds like a terrible thing to do and that the whole world might end if you take out some words but trust me, no one will die
Here you can make a few more alterations. “’Get inside,’ Grace said with a slight giggle, grabbing my hand and pulling me into the lounge whose bright yellow walls were a large contrast to the darkness outside.”
All of this seems very awkward and I would suggest something along these lines: The walls were nearly bare aside from a few posters of flowers and a couple of pieces of artwork. Several people were still awake, sitting on the couch talking or playing a board game in the corner. But most of my friends were already sleeping and suddenly I realized that this could be the last time I would see some of the people.”
This has a messy sound to it. Something like “My cheeks were stained with tears from crying earlier.” It may be shorter but like I said, fewer words aren’t going to kill anyone. At least I hope not.
When you have a series, all of them need to be the same. So it should be “…my mom, my dad, or my older brother.”
In the sentence before, you said that you weren’t worried. Then all of a sudden her stomach is doing somersaults. Perhaps use something like: “Instead, my stomach was doing somersaults thinking about what other people were saying about me.”
Also, your paragraphs need to flow into each other smoothly. Try adding something like “Not only that, but Carter would…” at the beginning.
Instead of “what I did” use “what I had done” that way you use your tenses sounds better.
The way you use your hyphen lacks style. Try: “I was betting against it. He probably wouldn’t want to talk to the girl who had wrecked his last year in middle school.” I erased “he was popular” because it is unnecessary information and doesn’t help move the story forward at all.
This doesn’t need to have the those three periods. Just make this into two sentence.
Again, this sounds very awkward. Try: “I wished everybody would simply forget about it. Bit it was stupid to think that they would.” Too many words can cause your reader to stumble over what your trying to say. Also, from experience, I should make mention that the words “just” and “very” are almost unwanted in formal writing. It’s not bad when your addressing someone informally but when your telling a story, it just lacks taste.
Okay, this is the end. I promise. But again, this makes the reader stumble. Try: “I had brought this upon myself and nobody else was to blame. It was only a matter of getting through the next two days. Maybe after that, I could hope for things to get better.”
Alright, aside from all of the things that I pointed out, this wasn’t bad. I really want to hear all of Peyton’s story. Also, I want to commend you on not giving everything away all at once. It keeps your reader wanting more. However, don’t take too long revealing everything or readers will eventually loose interest.
Anyway, very awesome. Let me know when there’s going to be more.
Hey, Colleen.
Sorry about taking so long to review this. I've been pretty busy lately. Since you've already gotten a lot of nit-picky reviews, I am going to be sparse on the nit-picks and do an overall.
So, here (finally!) is your review:
Hmmm. This is a sentence fragment. Join it with your next sentence, i.e. :
As I sat watching the waves crash over my feet, I wondered what it would be like to go back.
Waves crashing around your feet? That sounds like the waves are extremely rough and are practically engulfing you. Perhaps something like, "waves washing over my feet."
Then why is she thinking about it in the first place.
She was amazing? How? Why? Tell us. "Amazing is far too general."
Overall
Topic/Theme/Plot
I'm interested to see how you will make this plot your own. Depressed teen in a mental hospital has been done over and over. Slitting wrists has become a cliche in writing. So have fun and try to make this your own!
I'll be honest, this story made me rolll my eyes a bit. I've read so many things like it, and it's mainly because of...
Your MC
Right now, Peyton is like every depressed little emo teen in literature. Boo hoo this, boo hoo that. Give her a little more sense of personality. Is she humourous? Does she look at the world poetically? Is she bitter? Does she see the glass as half full, or half empty.
Pacing
I don't really know how you are planning to pace your plot, but the story needs to move along, and fast. Having a book where the MC only complains the whole time would be a bit boring. ^_^
Vocabulary
You use a lot of the same words over and over. I'm not saying to vomit up a thesaurus into your writing, but try to vary it a little.
Hope this helped,
Sakura
Oooh, another idea?
:
Let's start with some super-awesome-funtastic nit-picks
I personally think that you should change the "you" to "I", though it's up to you. You could even turn it into a quote like: People always told me, "You only have one life, so don't screw it up." or something
The period after "sand" should be a comma.
This sentence is kind of awkward after the one before, but maybe even just adding a "But" before it would help it flow better.
Right now this sentence is a comma-splice. You can either make two different sentences or replace the comma with a semicolon.
There should be a comma between "cold" and "but".
There is an unnecessary comma between "Tomorrow" and "was".
There should be a comma between "overhead" and "the".
There should be a comma between "break" and "so".
There should be a comma between "me" and "though".
The comma should be replaced with a semicolon because right now you have a comma-splice and a semicolon is the same as having a comma and bonysaf (and, but, for, nor, or, so, yet).
Maybe it should be: "Yeah?" I asked. This would just be to help the character know for sure that it is the main character talking.
Right now the second sentence is a fragment. I suggest that you combine the sentences with a comma before "but". You shouldn't use "a lot" twice so close together, especially if you end up combining the sentences.
I think that the first comma should be a period because it really isn't a part of the current sentence and should just be made into a new one.
There should be a comma between "friends" and "but".
This is a comma-splice. You can change the wording so it works, or you can just make two sentences.
Maybe there should just be a period after "door" to make it a new sentence? "teens" has to be capitalized.
There should be a comma between "Alabama" and "which".
The comma after "opened" should be a period. The comma after "dawdling" should be a semicolon.
The "Their" here should be "There".
There should be a comma between "room" and "which".
The comma after "now" should be a semicolon because right now it is two complete sentences connected with a comma when it needs a bonysaf as well (or just replaced with a semicolon).
Aww... She was a cutter (I'm assuming)
There should be a comma between "warm" and "so".
"tears" should be "tear" and I think it needs to be "tear-stained".
There needs to be a comma between "mascara" and "but".
There needs to be a space after the "..." and "maybe" has to be capitalized.
There should be a comma between "it" and "but".
More general notes:
I think that this is a good way to set up a story and I hope that you try to take this one further as well.
I feel as though you could do a little bit more about the important upcoming characters, but other than that I thought it was good
-Lydia <3
Okay i love it, it is really gripping and it makes
you want to know what shes done
to make everyone hate her so much!
Love it
Please keep writing i want to know what shes done!
Hey there, Colleen. I'm going to do a quick run over of the actual piece, and tehn we'll get onto comments, 'kay. I'm sorry if I accidentally miss out letters or apostrophes too, I spilt a bottle of lemonade over my laptop, and since then the keys have been a bit stiffer. xD So, shall we start?
Join the club.I'm glad to see you've edited it since other people suggested you do so. I would nix the however. It's not quite redundant, but it's certainly verging on being so. I'm going to be rather mean here, seeing as that's one of the best ways to improve. She obviously can think about it, as she's doing so. What you really mean is she shouldn't be thinking about it.
No need for a comma here. You need a comma here, seeing as you're discussing two differnent things, either put it between the glimmered and overhead, or overhead and the. Clammor is spelt incorrectly. I spell it clamour, but Americans (I think) spell it clamor. Should be there, as their is possessive. Slightly confusing, try:
"The desk I used to draw on," or something like that...
This story was interesting. It's not really my type of thing, but it does have potential to be good. Keep writing, and about not being able to stick with an idea - don't worry.
I'd write them all down, and choose one to pursue, then later you can go back and write other stories using your ideas, or per'aps you can use the ideas as subplots in this story. &c.
Keep writing;
sorry I couldn't've been of much more help, this really isn't my usual genre.
~Kirsten
Hey Colleen =]
Wow, you have so many different ideas for stories! I find it hard to stick to one idea too - that's how my third story 'Imo' came about.
Everyone who reviewed above me has already picked out everything so I'm just going to say that I love this concept for a story. Like Pippiedooda I'm really curious to know what your MC did and I can't wait to read the next part.
Don't abandon, 'Another Sunset' though, I really like that story too!
Great job!
xDudettex
Hello fellow blue!
) or you choose the first day of school. I'm split as to which one it would be nice to look at, since both look interesting, but the way the prologue is going, you've given us enough information to continue this forward. All I hope is this has a happy ending.
Punctuation: You're missing commas and periods in a lot of places. Here is a guide to getting them all strait. ^_^
Theme: You'll have to handle things pretty delicately, whether you choose to cover the "heck year" (comments are supposed to be clean.
Description: It's a bit unnatural the way things are described. Your MC especially. Would you think "close your hazel eyes" or simply "close your eyes"? I know you're trying to get some description in without using the old mirror cliche, but be careful when you're doing it so it doesn't sound unnatural.
Characters: I find your MC could be a bit more regretful in her thoughts about the past and her relationship with other people. Crying about what she's done to her friends would seem a bit more believable, unless she's cried herself out about what she's done and doesn't want to cry anymore. What about some more thoughts on her being in a rehabilitation center? Is she sad to leave? Happy? Is she going to miss her friends there? Does she have any friends there? Think about your relationships and try to focus more on them. ^_^
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey
Hey, Colleen! Thanks for posting on my "Will Review for Food" thread. I'm glad you asked me for help
Okay, this is too long of a first sentence to start out a story. Try breaking this up into two, or maybe three, like: People always told me that you only had one life to live, so don't scew it up. However, I had screwed mine up beyond repair. or something like that.
Should be a comma after "sand"
This is awkwardly worded. Maybe try: The stars glimmered overhead, the night silent and tranquill; it was exactly how I wanted it to be. Then, after you state this sentence, go into more detail about why she wants it quiet so the reader learns more about her.
Should be either a period or a semicolon, not a comma, after "nervous"
I would put in the word "and" between "guts" and "she" here.
I'm sorry, I know this is super random, but I have seriously read over three stories in the last two days alone that has the main character named Peyton. Is there a trend being set on this cite or what?
Should be a period after "water" not a comma.
Again, it should be a period after "up" instead of a comma.
This last part is worded funny. Maybe try: Everyone hated me for what I had did to him. I had put him through hell and then had dragged him all the way through teh flames again. or something like that.
~ ~ ~ ~
This was well written. You had a good, steady start and I feel you have a good piece here. Some things you might want to tweak is adding more detail or maybe going more in-depth about the things she did.
Otherwise, I really have no complaints.
Keep on Writing!
Noooo you can't end it there! I hope you write more soon as right now I really want to find out what she did- although I do think you have just the right amount of mystery for now
anyway on with the review 
I'd break this sentence up with either a full stop or a dash and I'm not sure if however sounds right- maybe but would flow better?
I get what you mean about waves rolling but I think you could use a better description- perhaps crashed or washed.
I'm not sure why but glimmered seems a bit out of place to me
As its going back to their school its not the first day- I'd add in something like 'first day back after the (whatever holiday it was)'.
I'd add a dash after reasons to separate the sentence a little. I'd miss out 'though and add 'had' before hurt too so the sentence runs a bit smoother. I'd put a was before snapped and I'm not sure about trance- I think contemplating or thoughts might work better.
suggested could be a better replacement than replied.
Sauntered to me doesn't sound right here- it kind of gives off the impression of being arrogant which doesn't fit with what you have said so far on the counsellor. Walked or retreated could replace it or something similar.
'I grabbed' should be grabbing or you need to start it as a new sentence. I'd change one of the 'grabbed' so you are not repeating it- 'I grabbed my phone out of my pocket' could be 'I drew my phone out of my pocket'.
I'd rephrase this and put it all into one sentence, something like this might work- 'It was located in Alabama- a long way away from my home in Washington.'
I wouldn't really expect a counsellor to act like that- I'd more think she would be exasperated but still kind so instead of 'Get inside' saying something like 'Stop dawdling' and maybe 'took' instead of grabbed. I'm not that keen on the last sentence- perhaps you could say how the colours were a sharp contrast to being outside in the night or something, describing the effect they had on her.
I'd rephrase this, it might run a bit smoother as 'My sheets and blankets were all that was left, folded neatly and laid on top of my twin-size bed.'
This sounds like a bit of a strange action from what you describe- resting her head in her hands might be better and instead of removing her hands I'd say drew back as 'removing' sounds a bit robotic.
I'd add 'too' before warm as being warm isn't that bad
I'd change the last part of this sentence to be a little clearer- perhaps 'and the last one had proved to be more than he could handle.' or something similar.
I'd change the comma after it to a dash.
Overall: This is a good introduction- I think you have an interesting storyline and I am VERY curious as to what awful thing she has done. I'd stick with this!
I think you need to work more on description- although you do say what she looks like its all a bit robotic whereas you could add in the information in a more gradual and subtle way. You could have her inspecting her face in the mirror and grimacing at what she saw or describe the wind blowing her scarlet hair or fiddling with it as she sits on her bed in her room. I think some more description on the lounge area could be good- are their pictures up? How does she feel looking around? Is she friends with any of the people sitting down? You have managed to describe the beach area brilliantly though- really setting the scene.
I'm a bit hazy on the counsellor- where does she go after she has pulled her inside? How does she feel towards her? Just a couple more sentences on her might work well. I haven't got much of a sense of the MCs personality except for that she feels very guilty, I think that's fine for now though as you're just introducing her and her problems. When you say she is nervous though I might add a bit more about how this feels to her- mouth dry/ head ache/ stomach doing somersaults that kind of thing
I like the cliffhanger you have left it on and how nothing gets explained- I'm hoping answers will come soon! Hope I've helped
This story was really interesting! I hope you continue writing it!
OK so some of the run-on sentences suggested above would
become very choppy if you turned them into separate sentences.
When you do, try adding more detail to them because no one likes
choppy sentence structure. Well that's about all I have to say
right now! Keep writing!
~Justy
This could be separated into two sentences.
There should be a comma after sand.
This could be separated into two sentences.
There should be a comma after but.
There shouldn't be a comma after tomorrow.
This is a run-on sentence.
If there isn't any point in pointing out the hazel eyes, don't include it.
This is a run-on sentence.
This is another run-on sentence.
Don't capitalize my.
Make sure you don't have any run-on sentences.
Don't use any run-on sentences.
This is a run-on sentence.
This is a complete sentence.
This is another run-on sentence.
This is a run-on sentence.
You forgot a word.
Don't use run-on sentences.
Don't use any run-on sentences.
This is another run-on sentence.
There should be a comma after it.
Don't use run-on sentences.
The story was good. The biggest problem you had were run-on sentences. Keep on writing.