Young Writers Society

I know I made some random mistakes because I was deleting stuff and then I was adding things. So I forgot some words that I should've deleted. Thanks for the reviews.

I'm not going to do a review on the edit, but I will give you this:

Commas -vs- Semi-colons

A little tutorial done by yours truly. You should really check it out.

A few small catches...

I woke up in the and climbed out of bed,

I went into our shower, the floors were dirty.

Wiped some of the steam off the mirror

He had fixed her car and the "fell in love"

The had a few stains on them

If she could find money to buy herself alcohol that why couldn't she find money to pay for other things that we needed more.

I grabbed my bag off the coffee and walked out the door,

and onto the road. cell phone.

He asked, tugging at the string on his blue sweatshirt.

Ta, I'm Evi and I am here to [s]shred[/s] critique your story!

Hehe. Totally kidding.

That morning started out as any other morning. I woke up in the cot my mom called a bed; however, that was not how it was. (Not what it was, I think you mean.) It was just a mattress on the hardwood floor of our run down house in Kentucky. It had a few blankets on it, but that was basically it.

She had a normal bed, of course, she was special. It wasn't anything [s]that [/s]amazing but it was certainly better then my "bed".

So[s], anyways, [/s]I climbed off the mattress and into the bathroom. (The 'so, anyways' part is like you're directly addressing the reader. This works if you've just had a long heartfelt rant, or if you're writing a funny story, but this is neither and I think you could do best omitting that.) It was dirty; the tiled walls were [s]a [/s]filled with soap scum, as well as the floor tiles. I went into our shower; the floors were dirty[s] in it[/s]. They had scuffs of a yellowish, brown color. I ignored it (ignored them), and turned on the water. I didn't turn it on hot, however, (semi-colon here) if I did that my mom would flip out at our water bill. So I took a cold shower. It numbed my body and I shivered as I stepped out[s] of the shower[/s].

It was red, I liked it.

It had two bedrooms and one bathroom. Along with a kitchen and living room.

I stepped out of the bathroom, my hair was dry and I was wrapped in a towel.

I went to Goodwill occasionally and they had great clothes sometimes

I decided on a pair of blue and white plaid shorts and a blue camisole and over it I put on a white zip-up sweatshirt.

I sighed and walked into the kitchen. Many of the cabinets were already opened so I walked over to one where we kept medicine. I accidentally walked into a counter top and it jabbed into my hip. I clutched my hip and bit my lip. I kept walking and grabbed the green bottle of Excedrin from the cabinet and walked back to her room.
I tossed it onto the bed next to her and she ignored me, popping a few pills into her mouth. I sighed and grabbed my backpack from the living room with it's paint peeling off the beige walls. We had no TV, only an ugly blue couch, a coffee table, and a long clothesline that hung from one side of the room to the other. It held no clothes today, however.

Hey =]

I definitely think you have a good concept for a story.

I did notice that you used the word, 'dirty,' quite a few times. Maybe you could replace a few of them with different adjectives; 'soiled', 'grimy', 'grubby,' etc

-"I lived in this run-down house that me and my mom found, it was abandoned and since she didn't have any money to buy us our own house, we lived here."

Maybe it would sound better if you wrote;

I lived in a run-down house that me and my mom had found. It was abandoned and since we didn't have any money to buy our own house, it had to do.

I replaced, 'we lived here,' with 'it had to do,' as you already stated that you lived there at the start of the sentence before it.

We were safe, for now. - sounds interesting. Are they on the run from someone?

I didn't have the best clothes that a lot of kids had. But, they worked. - maybe put a comma after, 'had,' instead of a full stop.

I applied some light make-up but stopped in my tracks when I heard, "Lindsay," my mom called in a long, drawn out, slurred voice. - i'd re-phrase this sentence.

-"I applied some light make-up but stopped in my tracks when i heard my mum's voice. "Lindsay," she slurred, drawing out the syllables of my name."

She was staring at me; her hand was pressed to her head. - "She was staring at me, her hand pressed against her forehead."

These are only a few suggestions, but i hope i've been of some help to you. Like i said at the start, i definitely think you have a good potential story here, but like 'Stella' said, try to stick to what would seem plausable. If she can't afford clothes then how would she afford an ipod?

xDudettex =]

That morning started out as any other morning. I woke up in the cot my mom called a bed; however, that was not how it was. The middle bit of this sentence doesn't flow very well, I'm afraid. Replace it with "...a bed, but that's... It was just a mattress on the hardwood floor of our run down house in Kentucky. It had a few blankets on it, but that was basically it. Cut out the word "basically," you don't need it.
She had a normal bed, of course, she was special. It wasn't anything that amazing No "that" but it was certainly better then(than) my "bed". It's not good to use the word bed again so soon. Use "better than where I slept.
So, anyways, I climbed off the mattress and into the bathroom. It was dirty; the tiled walls were a filled with soap scum, as well as the floor tiles. I went into our shower; the floors were dirty in it. The grammar here doesn't sound so good, revise it. They had scuffs of a yellowish, brown color. I ignored it, and turned on the water. I didn't turn it on hot, however, New sentence here. if I did that, my mom would flip out at our water bill. So I took a cold shower. It numbed my body and I shivered as I stepped out of the shower.
Luckily, my hair was naturally straight so all I had to do was blow dry it for it to look good. It was red, I liked it. It made me unique and different from everyone else.
[/b]The nex paragraph is unneccasary here, merge the two together.[/b]Not that I wasn't already different, but the kids at school didn't know that. I lived in this run-down house that me and my mom found, it was abandoned and since she didn't have any money to buy us our own house, we lived here.
The house was small, and a grayish color. It was dirty and there were random things strewn all over the place. It had two bedrooms and one bathroom. Along with a kitchen and living room. It was hidden in a woodsy area so nobody ever came looking for it. We were safe, for now.
I stepped out of the bathroom, my hair was dry and I was wrapped in a towel. The house was cold; we usually didn't turn on the heat, because of the bill.
Bills still got delivered to this house; they weren't addressed to us, but to the old owners. Luckily we had found the house soon after they had left because the government hadn't known it was abandoned.
I walked into the cramped bedroom and over to a suitcase that contained my spring clothes. I didn't have the best clothes that a lot of kids had. But, they worked. I went to Goodwill occasionally and they had great clothes sometimes.
I decided on a pair of blue and white plaid shorts and a blue camisole and over it I put on a white zip-up sweatshirt.
I was fourteen years old and for the most part I took care of myself. My mom tried to get money for us, but not the right way. She would sell prescription drugs, any type of drug really to get some extra cash. Sometimes she would even go buy herself drugs. Her addiction wasn't really drugs, it was alcohol. She was always drunk or dealing with a hangover.
I started back into the bathroom and looked into the streaked mirror. I applied some light make-up but stopped in my tracks when I heard, "Lindsay," my mom called in a long, drawn out, slurred voice.
I exhaled deeply and walked down the hallway, stepping over clothes on the floor. "Yeah mom," I asked, stepping into her bathroom.
I closed my eyes at the sight. She was sitting on the bed, her eyes were glazed over and her hair was all out of place. She was staring at me; her hand was pressed to her head. "Get me some aspirin would you?" She said in a high, squeaky voice.
"I have to go," I replied.
She frowned, her brow furrowing. "I don't care," she hissed.
I sighed and walked into the kitchen. Many of the cabinets were already opened so I walked over to one where we kept medicine. I accidentally walked into a counter top and it jabbed into my hip. I clutched my hip and bit my lip. I kept walking and grabbed the green bottle of Excedrin from the cabinet and walked back to her room.
I tossed it onto the bed next to her and she ignored me, popping a few pills into her mouth. I sighed and grabbed my backpack from the living room with it's paint peeling off the beige walls. We had no TV, only an ugly blue couch, a coffee table, and a long clothesline that hung from one side of the room to the other. It held no clothes today, however.
I grabbed my bag off the coffee and walked out the door, down the creaky wooden steps, and onto the road. I had only two things that really meant anything to me, my IPod and cell phone. I took out my IPod and stuck the earphones into my ears. The music made me walk faster.
I was almost to school when I heard someone call my name, "Linds!"
I turned around. "Hey Chase," I said to my best friend. He was popular, more popular then me. But, I know more about him then other people do. He was in a band, and future quarterback on the high school football team. But, that didn't matter. Not to me. He smiled, brushing his long brown bangs out of his bright blue, shining eyes.
"How come you always walk?" He asked, he didn't know where I lived, I figured I should tell him, but I never did, I couldn't.
"Why are you walking now?" I questioned, completely ignoring his question.
"I missed the bus," he said with a shrug.
I'd known Chase since we first came here, when I was in third grade. My mom took care of me more then, she felt more obligated since I was younger and couldn't do anything myself. But now that I was in middle school she learned to ignore me more.
I nodded and started walking again; he followed me and then stopped abruptly. "How come I always get the feeling you're hiding something from me?" He asked, tugging at the string on his blue sweatshirt.
I looked at him and took a deep breath, "I don't know," I stammered.
"Well are you?" He asked quizzically.
"No," I replied.
"Okay, because we're best friends, we have to tell each other everything," he laughed. I smiled, we had made a pact that we would tell each other everything, it was cliché, of course, but for the most part we did tell each other everything.
"I know," I replied and kept walking. The guilt was building inside of me; he told me everything, why couldn't I just tell him? He smiled and that only made it worst, he had the best smile, a smile that all the girls fall for him even though he thought most of the girls at our school were sluts.
"Good," he replied and kept walking.[/quote]

Hey Colleen, I don't think we've met before! I'm Stella (or whatever you want to call me) and welcome to YWS! I shall be your critiquer today...

I. NITPICKS

were a filled with soap scum,

Luckily, my hair was naturally straight so all I had to do was blow dry it for it to look good.

"Yeah mom," I asked, stepping into her bathroom.

my IPod and cell phone.

"How come you always walk?" He asked,