This is in Luke's point of view. It was suggested and I decided to try it out. So, read and review please!
Luke's Point Of View
People always told me that when life gets you down to get right back up. But how do you do that when you feel like everything has already been completely destroyed?
I didn't want to leave the life I had built for myself behind. That would be stupid, but could I really live with Mark? Sure, he was a good guy and I generally liked him. He wasn't my dad though.
Everything was happening so fast. Decisions weren't an easy thing for me especially when it was a life changing one.
I hadn't slept all night. I had basically given up after three in the morning, I had too much to think about, too much to try and comprehend.
The sunny guest bedroom at my dads house was nothing like my room in Franklin. It had beige walls and a large bay window off to one side. The bed I was sitting on was queen-sized with a multi-colored plaid bedspread. It was pretty empty with only a closet, dresser, and desk.
I sat up completely and looked around realizing that if I choose to live there then I could decorate the room however I wanted. But, I wasn't going to start getting into interior decorating.
I stood up and walked over to the mirror hanging on the wall nearest the door. The person in the mirror didn't look like me. I didn't remember myself being that pale or my hair being that messy. Even smoothing my hair down didn't make me look more like my usual self. My eyes were red and puffy and my cheeks were tear stained. Crying wasn't helping, I had given up on it. Never did anything anyways.
Taking a deep breath I walked over to the desk where my duffel bag was sitting idly. I grabbed out a sweatshirt and basketball shorts and pulled them on. Cautiously I opened the door and walked down the steps and into the living room.
My dad seemed to have more money then Mark. The house was bigger and it had more expensive items in it. The living room was elegant and less cozy then at Mark's house. The couches were white. I found that weird because wouldn't they get dirty? The plasma screen TV was mounted on the wall and it was seemed to be rarely turned on. The white curtains hung neatly, unwrinkled. Everything was white even the fireplace. The room was spotless in a way that made me feel uneasy.
I walked into the kitchen, my dad was sitting at the island coffee in one hand and the newspaper in the other. Part of me wanted him to notice my presence but the other side wanted him to ignore me.
He looked up at me and I glanced away, avoiding eye contact. "Did you sleep okay?" He questioned.
"Yeah," I lied. I glanced around the kitchen. It was bright, as every room in the house was. I had only been at the house once, I didn't know where anything was.
"Do you want something to eat?" he asked.
"No," I sighed. Eating was far from my mind.
"Are you sure?" he persisted.
"Yeah."
He nodded and I walked out of the room. Being cooped up inside this house wasn't making me feel better about my life so I stuck on my old Converse and wandered outside. I was used to not telling people where I was going. At Mark's they were always busy. My mom being a weather person on TV and Mark owning his car company. In the garage I dug through some things looking for the one thing that made me forget about my troubles. I knew it was here somewhere. I moved a metal wheelbarrow away from the wall and smiled when I saw my old skateboard leaning against the wall behind it.
It was older then my other one at Mark's house. But, it worked still. I had brought it here when I talked things out with my dad the previous year. I dropped it at the top of the driveway and jumped onto it. The wheels glided over the pavement easily and as the cold wind blew through my hair, I could feel myself calming.
I didn't know my way around this neighborhood but it wasn't a busy street. It was much like my neighborhood back in Franklin with the nice houses and sidewalks. The ride was going well until I hit a rock and lost my footing, I landed on my knees and skidded against the sidewalk. "Shit," I muttered and looked down at my knee that was now bleeding quite badly.
I looked around hoping there would be a gas station somewhere for me to get a band-aid. My knee was aching so I stood up and got back on the board and kicked off down the road. My eyes watered. I wasn't crying, they were tears of pain. Down the road I saw a sign that was blinking a price, I hoped it was gas station so I sped up. Luckily, it was.
I stuck the board under my arm and walked inside. People stared at my bleeding knees but I ignored them. The teenage boy at the counter stared at me amused. "Do you need something?" He asked and gestured to my knee.
"Um, yeah," I murmured. He walked behind the counter. I looked up at the TV hanging near the counter. My stomach filled with butterflies, "Local Franklin weather woman has killed herself yesterday at about two in the morning. Our condolences go out to her son and husband. I bit my lip as a picture of us appeared on the screen. The clerk looked at it and then back at me, "Oh, kid, I'm sorry," he murmured. I frowned and ran out of the gas station, ignoring the blood that was dripping down my leg and onto my shoe. How come whenever I turned on the news, this was what was playing.
I jumped onto the board and flew down the road towards the house. When I arrived I didn't bother putting the board back into the garage where it belonged I just stormed into the house. Why did my mom have to be a weather person? Why couldn't she just be something low-key? How did they get those pictures? My dad looked at me and then down at my knee.
"You okay?" He questioned anxiously.
"No!" I yelled and ran upstairs.
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125,014 Literary Works • 672,845 Reviews
Hey! I finally to what you wanted me to review! ^^ Here we go!
Dad is possessive here, so there should be a comma before the s. So it will be Dad's.
A weather person is a meteorologist.
Also, Luke's dad lives in Memphis. He used to live in Franklin.
The two cities are in two completely different divisions of Tennessee. They don't even have the same news stations.
Grr....I'm trying to find a good way to explain this.
There are three different local news stations. There might be a News Channel 5 all across Tennesse, but there is a local one for each division.
So news that would be on in Franklin wouldn't be on in Memphis, because they are in different divisions.
I think I cleared it up. If I haven't, just PM me and tell me, hon.
Also, I don't think you need all that description about the house at the beginning. There is no point in it really.
I liked doing this Luke's POV. It helps the reader know how he is feeling.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
*Cat
Hey =]
Thanks for the PM!
Most of the nit-piking seems to have been done already so I'll just review the story line.
I definitely think this part has helped move the story along as the reader gets to see the story from Luke's point of view. Dakota could only describe what Luke looked to be feeling, but writing with Luke as the narrator means that you can really explore how everything has affected him.
Like the reviewer above me has pointed out, you need to make sure that you don't feminize Luke too much and I think in this part you achieved a boys point of view quite well.
Just make sure that you don't rush the story too much as when he's in the garage it seems to pass too quickly. Maybe add in more description of Luke's surroundings or what the people around him look like, i.e the boy behind the counter. Did anyone else realise that it was Luke on TV. - Just a thought
Overall, I think this part worked really well and I think the story is coming along nicely. I'll definitely be reading the next part!
Can you PM me when it's up?
xDudettex
Hey, I'm here to review your work *cheers*. From what you told me, it sound like a really interesting story-line. I hope you decide to keep it going!
):
So, let's get started with some nit-picks (because those are just soo much fun
I think that you should change this to something like "But how am I supposed to do that when I feel like everything has already been completely destroyed?" because it's almost like you're switching tenses here. The same idea should go for the "you" in the sentence before as well.
There should be a comma between "dad" and "though".
There should be a comma between "me" and "especially".
Change the first comma to a period. Because this is currently similar to the prior sentence, you should change "I had basically given up" to "I basically gave up" so that it doesn't sound repetitive. Change the second comma to a semicolon because otherwise it is a comma-splice and either needs a bonysaf (and, but, for, nor, or, so, yet) or a semicolon to replace a comma and bonysaf.
You should replace "It" with "The room" because right now, at least to me, it almost sounds like he's still referring to the bedspread.
You should change "I sat up completely" because it never says before that he sat up at all, nor did it say he was actually on the bed (which I am assuming) in the first place. There should also be a comma between "around" and "realizing" and the "then" is unnecessary
There is an unnecessary comma between "But" and "I".
I think that you should replace the comma with a period.
There should be an "It" in front of "never" because otherwise it isn't a complete statement.
There should be a comma between "breath" and "I".
There should be a comma after "Cautiously" and "I".
I think that the second sentence kind of pulls you out of the story because it's a question. In order to make a variation in sentence length and structure as well, maybe you should do something like "The couches were white, which I found weird because they didn't seem to get dirty."
You should re-read this sentence and fix the wording.
There should be a comma between "white" and "even".
The comma between "kitchen" and "my" should be replaced with a period. There should be a comma between "island" and "coffee".
There should be a comma between "presence" and "but". Maybe you should replace one of the "wanted"s with a similar word so that it's not repeated in the same sentence.
You should either replace the comma with a period and create two separate sentences or add a "so" after the comma.
"he" should be capitalized.
"he" should be capitalized.
There should be a comma between "life" and "so".
You use "wall" twice in this sentence. You should consider replacing one of them with a different word or taking one of them out.
If you want it to flow better, it should probably be something closer to "It was older than my other one at Marl's house, but it still worked."
There should be a comma between "neighborhood" and "but".
The comma should be replaced with a period.
There should be a comma between "around" and "hoping".
The comma should be a semicolon because right now the sentence is a comma-splice.
You should just start a new sentence where there is currently a comma and add a comma between "station" and "so".
There should be a comma between "knees" and "but".
I'm assuming that the butterflies in his stomach weren't talking (:P) so maybe you should put in some indicator that it is the television talking. Also, you forgot the quotation-mark at the end.
Personally, I think this question kind of draws you out of the story. It's up to you whether you change it or not, but I think "this" should be "that" and you need a question-mark at the end instead of a period.
I'm really sorry if that was harsh
Now onto more general notes:
The dialogue was realistic enough, though I think that you should make more of a significant difference in the way one character talks when compared to another.
A few of the descriptions don't seem to be very boy-esque. It's not a very important observation, but it's just something I noticed that you might want to watch out for
Overall, I thought that this was a really good base for a story and I hope you continue it and see where it goes.
-Lydia <3