This is the part of the first chapter, read and review please. You may need to read the prologue.
Waking up was never an easy thing to do for me, especially on a weekend. I dragged myself out of bed and placed my feet on the cold hardwood floor. I meandered into sage green kitchen, opened one of the dark wooded cabinets and grabbed a box of Frosted Flakes. I poured some in a bowel and topped it with some ice cold milk. I sat at the table and began eating.
My sister walked into the room, she was already dressed. Her hair, the same color as mine, was perfectly straight and she was wearing a nice pair of jeans that showed off her lean figure and a T-shirt that made her outfit look more casual. Her heart-shaped face had some light make-up and her blue eyes were shining brightly. "Morning Dee," she said cheerily and opened the fridge, grabbing a water bottle.
"Hi," I replied and took another bite of my cereal.
"Are you going to hang out with Lucas today?" She asked and then giggled. She thought I liked him, which was completely untrue. She thought life was like one of those sappy romance novels she always read. Where the two best friends fall in love and then live happily ever after, yeah, life wasn't like that.
"Maybe," was my blunt reply.
"You guys are so cute together, you should just go for it," she suggested.
I rolled my eyes, "Tell it to someone else, I don't like him like that," I knew this statement was completely true. I kept reminding myself, life isn't a cliche romance novel.
"Sure, sure," she replied and walked away.
I dropped the spoon back into the bowel and put it in the sink, I wandered into my room. I dressed quickly, I threw on jeans and a T-shirt and pulled my hair into two messy braids.
I decided to go on a walk, maybe I would walk by Lucas's house, he was outside a lot and he might see me and we could hang out. This was how most weekends went, this was how I liked them to be. I heard sirens suddenly, an ambulance flew by whipping my hair in my face.
I glared and continued walking, surprisingly, I saw Lucas walking up the street. "Hey," he said.
"Hi," I replied. He looked same as always, sweatshirt and a pair of baggy jeans. Suddenly, I realized something was different, his eyes were red and puffy, like he had been crying. "Luke? What's wrong?" I asked, clearly confused.
New tears formed in his eyes and he shook his head as they fell down his pale cheeks, he didn't respond.
I wrapped my arms around him, "What's wrong?" I asked again. I pulled away from him and looked into his eyes.
"My mom," his voice broke. "Dead." Was all he was able to get out before he started sobbing, we sat down on the sidewalk. I didn't care if people thought we were crazy.
"God Luke," I felt terrible, Luke and his mom were close, closer then most mom's and sons. "That's horrible, how did she die?"
He sniffled, "Suicide."
My jaw dropped, "What?" I stammered.
He nodded, his dad was a nice man but his parents were divorced, he lived with his mom full time because he liked it here better. He rarely talked about his dad. So my guess was he didn't want to leave. He started sobbing again. I leaned my head on his shoulder. "I'm so sorry," I murmured.
"She drowned herself, you know that? She used to tell me that would be the worst way to die, why? Why would she do this?" A pickup truck drove by and it was Lucas's dad.He had to have started driving early this morning to get here, when had his mom even died? He pulled over and got out of the car, he walked over to Luke tentatively.
Luke liked his dad, but he didn't love him. He had cheated on his mother, I didn't know how this would blow over because I wondered if Luke thought that was why his mom killed herself, but to my surprise his dad hugged him and he hugged his dad back. It was a touching moment, something you only really saw in movies. "I know you're scared, and that you were unprepared," his dad whispered as he cradled Luke in his arms.
Luke nodded, "We can talk about this situation later," his dad continued.
Luke pulled away, I wanted to cry for him, he looked awful, his hair was out of place now and his cheeks were tear-stained. His bottom lip was quivering as he looked up at his dad.
His dad didn't look so great either, he was wearing a simple sweat suit and his hair was military style, it was cut very close to his head. His hair was the same color as Luke. He had a nice build and he looked a lot like his son, he even had the same eye color. "Oh, Dakota," his dad started. "Sorry to drop this burden on you."
"It's okay, I'm really sorry," I said but was mostly directing it to Luke.
They both nodded, "So Lucas what do you want to do?" His dad questioned him.
He shrugged his shoulders, "Why don't you go talk to Dakota, I'll go talk to Mark," his dad suggested. Mark was Luke's step-dad, they were close, but not like Luke could feel comfortable living with just him.
"I just want to go home," he told his dad.
His dad nodded, "You want to talk about this now?"
He nodded, "We'll meet you there," I informed him. I wanted to talk to Luke, alone.
He got into the truck and drove off. We started walking down the street quietly. "So what do you think you're going to do?" I asked suddenly, breaking the silence.
He shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know."
We arrived at his house, we didn't say anything but we just walked inside. The police had cleared out finally. Mark was standing there, professional as always. He did look upset but he was still wearing a nice dress shirt and jeans. His hair was longer then Luke's dad's and a much darker brown. His blue eyes were filled with sorrow.
"So," Mark said in a husky voice. "So we need to talk about this living situation?" He looked upset but he had a funny way of showing it, he just got right on down to business.
Luke nodded and sat down on the couch across from Mark and his father, I sat down next to him, "So what do you want to do?" Mark asked.
Luke shrugged, Mark frowned. "You don't have to stay here, I won't force you. You may be more comfortable with your dad, but it's whatever you want."
He shrugged again, "I don't want to leave her," he replied and gestured to me.
I felt my face get hot, he cared that much about me? "Don't let me stop you from making the decision that's right for you," I murmured and touched his arm lightly.
He shook his head and more hot tears spilled down his cheeks, "I don't know what I want anymore," he sobbed and ran up the stairs.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,013 Literary Works • 672,844 Reviews
Hiya again!
I think everybody else got mostly everything. Well, I love the story and the turn was unexpected.
Also, with the whole ambulance thing. I'm a bit confused. Was Luke walking down the street away from his house? Or was he near it? Becuase if he was near it, wouldn't she notice the ambulance in front of his yard?
Unless if he was coming for some other reason, how would he have known to come down if it took so long as it says? The hospital couldn't call him because they were just there, so they just found her, so how could he drive from so far away and be there right then?
And I wanted to point out your reference to 'things only seen in movies' (i.e. the 'classic American house' in the prologue and the father-son hug in this chapter). You might want to do something about that... (I know, not much help here).
I would like to know what her sister looks like. You say "her hair looks like mine" but I have no idea what the MC's hair looks like. Well, that is, unless if you put it in there and I kind of forgot about it. xD But I don't recall anything of the sort.
I agree with Lin, this is going kind of fast.
It was good, just some things!
Good luck!
doodle:]
Hello again! Love the story so far! But I have a few more critiques
Here we go!
You really need to vary the beginning of your sentences more. Almost every sentence started with a subject (I) and verb. I would try to change a few of these. Maybe:
"Meandering into the sage green kitchen, I opened..."
Also, the "bowel" you're thinking of is actually spelled "bowl".
GREAT description!
This sentence is incomplete. If you add "where the two best friends fall in love and live happily ever after" to the previous sentence it would work. And I might leave out the last phrase, or at least make it present tense, because life is continuous.
Many of your sentences are run-ons. Such as:
and
The first should be separated by a period between walk and maybe, and house and he. The second sentence could be separated by a period of semicolon between walking and suprisingly.
How tragic!!
I think describing the father's appearance here really draws away from the event, and is a bit unnecessary. If you'd really like to describe him, I'd do it later on.
But anyways, wonderful job! This is so tragic! I really love how you described the intense emotion in all the characters after Luke's mother has died. Keep up the good work
Hey there! I'm finally getting around to reviewing, so here I am.
I think xDudettex picked out most of the nit-picks. You had a lot of awkward sentences in this post, too. Watch out for those, hon.
Also, it seemed like everyone in the story was suddenly fine, except Luke. He was the only one crying in this. You would think that Mark, the step-dad, would be crying at least some.
Wouldn't Dakota cry some too? I mean, I would. I just thought it seemed unrealistic when he was the only one crying.
Then he isn't the same, right? Because in that next sentence, you say he does look different.
That's not stammering much, is it? If she is stammering, why not show that in the actual text. Like this:
"W-w-what?" I stammered.
I think the story is okay, but try slowing it down some. This all happened really fast. Try adding some more description and lengthening it out some.
Feel free to PM me if you have any questions.
*Cat
Hey =]
I really like the idea for this story and you managed to turn from looking cliche to quite original in this chapter.
Here are a few nit-piks;
I meandered into sage green kitchen, - I'd add a word after into - maybe 'the' or 'my' or 'our' or something - i'll let you decide.
I poured some in a bowel - i think bowel is supposed to be bowl
Her heart-shaped face had some light make-up - This sounds odd. Maybe you could try rearranging the sentence, i.e. 'She was wearing some light make-up on her heart-shaped face.'
She thought I liked him, which was completely untrue. She thought life was like one of those sappy romance novels she always read. - you use 'thought' in both sentences - maybe you could rearrange the second sentence, i.e. 'Life to her was like one of those sappy romance novels she always read' or you could try using another word instead of 'thought.'
I rolled my eyes, "Tell it to someone else, I don't like him like that," I knew this statement was completely true. - the comma after eyes should be a full stop.
I dropped the spoon back into the bowel and put it in the sink, I wandered into my room. - this sentence sounds a bit robotic. Maybe you could change the second bit to something like, 'before wandering into my room.' You misspelt bowl again too.
I dressed quickly, I threw on jeans and a T-shirt and pulled my hair into two messy braids. - you could do the same with this sentence. 'I dressed quickly, throwing on jeans and a T-shirt and pulling my hair back into two messy braids.'
This was how most weekends went, this was how I liked them to be. - maybe change the second 'this' to an 'and.'
I heard sirens suddenly, an ambulance flew by whipping my hair in my face. - 'I suddenly heard sirens and an ambulance flew by, whipping my hair in my face,' would sound better.
I wrapped my arms around him, - the comma should be a full stop.
"Dead." Was all he was able to get out before he started sobbing, we sat down on the sidewalk. - "Dead," was all he was able to get out before he started sobbing and we sat down on the sidewalk.
"God Luke," I felt terrible, - I'd change the second comma to a full stop.
"That's horrible, how did she die?" - maybe you could describe how shocked she is and how hard she finds it to ask him this question. I know i'd find it difficult to ask that question to someone - especially if it's only just happened.
He sniffled, "Suicide." - change the comma after 'sniffled' to a full stop or change the 'S' to lower case.
My jaw dropped, "What?" I stammered. - the same here with changing the comma or the 'W.'
He rarely talked about his dad. So my guess was he didn't want to leave. - I'd join these two sentences together by changing the full stop after 'dad' to a comma and changing the 'S' to lower case.
He started sobbing again. I leaned my head on his shoulder. - "He started sobbing again and I leant my head on his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him."
He had to have started driving early this morning to get here, when had his mom even died? - "He would have had to start driving early this morning to get here. When had Luke's mom actually died?"
He pulled over and got out of the car, he walked over to Luke tentatively. -...,"walking over to Luke tentatively."
Luke pulled away, I wanted to cry for him, he looked awful, his hair was out of place now and his cheeks were tear-stained. - "Luke pulled away and I wanted to cry for him. He looked awful; his hair out of place and his cheeks tear-stained."
"It's okay, I'm really sorry," I said but was mostly directing it to Luke. - "It's okay, I'm really sorry," I said, but my words were mostly directed at Luke.
He nodded, - the comma should be a full stop.
"So," Mark said in a husky voice. "So we need to talk about this living situation?" - I'd remove the second 'so.'
Luke shrugged, Mark frowned. I'd change the comma to 'and.' Maybe you could describe how Mark frowned too - did it look like he was angry or frustrated by Luke's answer?
I felt my face get hot, he cared that much about me? - I'd change the comma to a full stop.
I murmured and touched his arm lightly. "I murmured, touching his arm gently."
he sobbed and ran up the stairs. - maybe use another word instead of sobbed as you've already used it quite a lot. 'Wept' maybe?
Overall;
Don't get put off by my amount of nit-piks - I tend to go a bit overboard lol. Your grammar isn't really that bad - you just tend to put commas where there should be full stops and vice versa. Don't take my criticism too hard as most of it is based on my opinions.
Like I said at the beginning, I really like the idea that you have for the story and I think it has a lot of potential. I'd love to read more =] Could you please PM me when you upload the next part?
xDudettex
Wow that took a turn I wasn't expecting. Good! I read the prolgue and was a little afraid of the cliche romance novel thing myself. (me and my best friend are actually alot like Dakota and Luke. everyone thinks were in love. haha it can get annoying I know where Dakota is coming from when she gets bugged by it.)
I think that this has a lot of potential. i think there were a few minor spelling errors (im new and still haven't figured out the whole quote thing..so ill leave that to you.) Just read through it a few more times and you'll probably find them.
I love how descriptive you are. I try to be more descriptive but it sounds like im just listing things around the room. So good job.
you should pm me when you have more up, im eager to see where you take this story next!
My only complaint is that you misuse commas in this piece. It seems like you forget how to use any other punctuation sometimes.
This part is correct except for the comma.
Very good point there.
Also, you have the Apostles' names here! Is there a Matthew and a John in the story?