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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello Meth. Jordin here with a review for you and my team the greatest team 'Hot sauce' and it must prevail.
'Do you weep for me to here?' This needs some work it is wrong.Hope this little review helps you out some buddy.
And another thing I thing it is a wise idea to make your paragraphs 3-4 lines long.
And 'breaking the fortress wall' would be a better name for this piece of poetry.
And why will the walls crumble down into the dust Meth?
Good job.
Keep writing and good luck.
I hope this helps.
~Jon~
this was a very scattered review, for which I would write a review, if I had the time. Fortunately, I am actually in school right now.
This is amazing. Your poem is so strong and powerful it talks not just to me but to my friends that have been through at lot. My favorite part was when you said "When you locked yourself away, so that none could take you, break your heart, your spirit, you neglected to make a door. So here you sit, fists bleeding from the relentless beating and pounding against the concrete walls of your own heart." Everyone always builds a wall to protect themselves from others.
You used for three times in the first two lines. It was bothersome. This first stanza really does seem very repetitive. I would suggest trimming out unnecessary things, such as "built here for yourself." Yeah, just in general read it through and if you hear something that rhymes, check the other word and see what it rhymes with, make sure it's not the same word. If it is then try to change it up unless you're going for that style.
stanza 3, line six of that stanza, it's is supposed to be its. It's is 'it is' not possessive. That one always gets me too.
Overall I think you need to do some work to tighten this up. You've got a lot of words that need fixing, a few grammatical errors, and you're very repetitive especially in the first and second stanzas. Try to only use words once or twice in a poem far away from each other, not in the same stanza.
As for the image you're presenting, I think I would rather have been thrown into the world, felt the pain on the side of my hands, and the destitute depression of being locked in the castle she built herself rather than be told that these things happened. As it is you're almost like a mocking hawk that wants to drag this girl out of her prison rather than coaxing her out with love. I think this really comes off with how much time you spend explaining how she got into the prison, why she's there, and how tormented she feels being there. I would like to see this poem reworked without using the word you or I, or variations of those two words. I suppose you could consider this an Audy Challenge, although I am by no means Audy.
Can you spot the real poet? xD
I love this. It is just so well written..
I love this. It is just so well written..
I love this. It is just so well written..