This shot gets it started.
This shot's for the pain.
This shot's for the lover I always loved in vain.
This shot's for my devil,
This shot's for your God,
This shot's for every time you just smile and nod
This shot makes it go away
This shot's to forget
And I know these next six shots
Are ones I will regret
Lay your head by mine
Don't you fear for me
I promise I'll be fine
Angel I can't see
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey metalamor,
Repetition kills the effect of this. I see what you're trying to do -- it's kind of like a mantra, a saying for each shot, but in this format it comes off quite badly. For slam poetry, this might sound better, but on the page it comes off too lazy and unimaginative to really work. The last stanza, while a nice message, is not something I can really critique. The problem with these kind of "for my friend" poems is they're impossible to review -- they're not work that should be on this site, really.
I think this poem is good, and shows the darkness and truth of alcoholism that its because of something, to drown some pain out or to stop them thinking about something that's happened. I like the
because its shows the unholyness connected with alcohol and the idea of alcoholism and also the fact that all hope and belief in god has gone from the person but if somebody else has the belief it could help save them. I liked the line about regret too and the way the whole poem is written at the start. It creates the sense of worry and unstability in a person but the end bit shows the reassurance and help that can be given and is a nice way to close the poem. A very good poemHm...I never really saw that. Thanks for pointing that out; I didn't even realize it. Everyone I know in person always thinks of the vodka first so they didn't think it meant anything other than alcohol xD
Oh, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. Maybe you can add a little bit of specific info, because the terms you use are very general and could apply to both a shot of vodka and/or a gunshot. In addition to that, I don't really think of vodka when I hear the word, "shot".
So just keep this mind when you revise. ^^
-Elinor
It's not about gun shots. It's about shots of vodka. One of my best friends in the world has a drinking problem and whenever I tell him I'm scared for him he tells me not to worry, hence the last stanza. I wrote this for him. Just clearing up any confusion
Hi there. This was interesting poem; I enjoyed the concept and the fresh ideas, and the repetition of "This shot" made it seem all the more spooky. However, this poem does suffer from a few things.
Firstly, in poetry, you should use contractions minimally. So, "This shot is" rather then "This shot's" would be much better. It sounds a bit better too, no?
Secondly, it sort of seems like you're yelling in this poem. I understand that this a racy subject matter, but I never want to feel like I'm being yelled at when I read poetry. I say this poem could benefit from a bit slower pace. Add thoughts between each line. Will the narrator ever regret shooting who she is about to shoot.
You've got some nice framework for this, now it's time to fill it in. PM me if you have questions.
-Elinor