z

Young Writers Society


12+

(so don't lose me, follow me home) : 3/4

by mephistophelesangel


3. Haley

To be fair, it’s a small town and there’s not many people that are interested in her small instrument store. It’s also her store, so Haley refuses to believe that she’s being nosy by staring. And - who wouldn’t stare? It’s not like she’s in the minority or anything. Or so she thinks.

The subjects of her thoughts are, as usual, standing by the small piano. It’s an old one, but the wood is still shiny and Haley brings in James every two months to keep the keys smooth and in tune. Nobody’s bothered to buy it so far, and she’s been stuck with it for more than a decade. As the two men engage in a conversation -uncomfortably one-sided- by the piano, Haley flips through another page in the book, although the contents of it had been pushed into a far corner in her mind the second the men walked in.

The redheaded one presses on a key, and Haley tries her best to not look like she’s listening as she slowly leans forward in her chair behind the counter. She knows that the redhead knows how to play - no, the guy is good. Which, admittedly, Haley did not expect at first because - well, first impressions do matter. She imagines that making good first impressions might be quite challenging if you only have half a face.

As usual, the redhead gently guides the blond guy to sit on the far end of the piano bench. Even after days of seeing the two together, Haley still finds herself wondering about the exact nature of their relationship. Although she knows that quite frankly, it’s none of her business, it’s difficult to not be curious about a guy who only kind of has a face and another one who apparently aspires to be a realistic human doll. It’s especially difficult to not be curious about them because of the carefully murmured words and gentle touches; Haley would think of them as lovers, except that doesn’t seem quite right. It almost feels as if, by thinking about those men as lovers, she’d be committing some vile crime, a thoughtless violation.

The redhead starts to play, and Haley unconsciously closes her eyes. She knows she’s heard it before, but the exact name of the song slips through her fingers.

The notes are gentle, never too loud. The melody ripples through the small shop like a river, and Haley can’t pinpoint the exact reason why her eyes water. Blinking, she quietly leans forward so that she can see the piano better. The music blocks out the noise outside the shop, and as she stares at the small smile on the blond man’s face, she can think of nothing.

She has the craziest desire to simply give away the old piano to the men, to tell them to take it home on their way out. As she quickly dissuades herself, the music stops. She hears the piano bench being pushed back and she jerks back into her chair, unwilling to give away any signs of what she had been doing. The two men stop in front of the counter as Haley struggles to calm down her heartbeats. She glances up and sees the redhead, who has an arm around the blond man’s shoulders. Five days has been enough time for her to know that the redhead is guiding the other man around, since apparently he’s incapable of walking around by himself.

The smile has melted away from the blond man’s face, and for a brief moment Haley wonders if the redhead had seen that small smile while he was playing; the first hint of something human.

The pink scar on the redhead’s face ripples slightly as he smiles. He looks like he’s about to say something, but then he glances at the blond man as if he has made some sort of noise -he didn’t-. With no further pause, they walk out the door.

Haley stares at their retreating backs and she thinks about the way that the blond man smiled.

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Sun Jul 30, 2017 12:41 am
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review on Review Day!

Another different perspective! Not what I expected. I thought we would've went back to Jamie though I can see that the possibility of that is lowering because in each part there's a new character introduced to follow. Unless the last part is divided up by all three of them but looking at this, I kinda doubt that. What I'm not all that fond of is the fact that we never get enough time to be attached to any of the characters that we're following. Jamie and Garrett don't get enough pages for me to care for them too much, but maybe that's the point? The actual stars of this short story are the two men because they're in each part thus far. I'm intrigued by this technique of having the characters that we're looking through the eyes of be of little importance to the overall story.

At least, that's how I see this so far. They're more spectators of the redheaded man and the blonde man. All of these characters sort of revolve around what the two of them are doing, and I found that to be fascinating. The reader is still in the dark for the most part about what's going on so I do hope that the ending wraps this up with a strong execution because now all the pressure is on the reveal. All of the events previous to the next part are written to build up to this fourth part and create the tension.

Each different perspective so far is unique and I have to say that the second part is the strongest for me in being the most unique. The way that this is written is odd and this is a large risk to take--to put all your money on the last part being well-executed and blowing the reader's mind. I'm hoping that I'm not overwhelmed, though we'll see what happens. The last part in a mystery or the reveal of the mystery is usually the center of the story--the climax. The decider on whether this is a strong short story or not. I hope to be amazed, Mephisto!

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Fri Jul 28, 2017 10:46 am
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, mephistophelesangel! I'm here to review your work! I'm sorry in advance if my review isn't all that helpful. I'm trying to become a better reviewer, but I'm still not used to reviewing some of the things I'm going to mention in this review.

I didn't have any problems with this work's overall grammar, so I'll move onto the other parts of the work.

I love how you can tell a story without using any dialogue. Your descriptions tell every bit of information I needed to imagine and understand what was going on. And, as in previous parts, they added to the mysterious mood of the story.

Like in the last two parts, you slowly slip in more details about Riley and Steve. Steve seems to be quite good at playing the piano, while his music is the one thing that can make Riley smile.

I hope this review helped. I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh! Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

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Fri Jul 21, 2017 3:40 am
midnightdreary wrote a review...



Hi again! I like the continuation of the "different person point of view" thing. I also noticed that throughout your whole series, everyone has been staring, thinking 'huh, I shouldn't stare' then continuing to stare, except more discreetly.

I enjoyed how Haley is always thinking that what Steve and Riley are doing is none of her business, multiple times through the story. I just like Haley all around. She seems kind, curious and just like generally a good person.

I like how you describe Steve. A lot of authors describe people (mostly men) with a scarred face as handsome, but they don't know it. You don't do that and instead show everyone's natural reaction to Steve, which is, "why is that guy missing half his face?"

Also, Haley's curiosity is infectious. Shes observant, so her observations make the reader wonder about all the little things that go on between Steve and Riley. Like Riley's smile and how he seems like he said something but actually didn't.

I'm excited to read the next chapter! I'm really hoping you'll explain everything that's happening, but most short story authors don't do that. I can still hope.





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