z

Young Writers Society


12+

(so don’t lose me, follow me home) : 1/4

by mephistophelesangel


1. Jamie

When Jamie sees the two men making out in front of the bench, her hands are in the middle of picking up a massive pile of dog poop. Daisy, the one hundred-forty pounds of fluffy black fur and unbound energy that he is, pulls desperately on the leash tied around Jamie’s wrist. Attempting to go after a squirrel, perhaps. The park always has an abundance of squirrels during the summer. It is Daisy’s greatest joy in life to chase after the little things, and it’s funny until Jamie gets tugged along. Under normal circumstances, Jamie would try and bring the Newfoundland under control; however, well, she’s preoccupied with trying to put the dog poop in the small plastic bag and watching the men furiously make out.

The mushy pile of poop finally slides into the plastic bag, and Jamie wrinkles her nose as she quickly ties the bag shut. Even after 7 years of living with Daisy, the putrid smell never fails to bring forth a hint of disgust onto her face. The heat of the hot summer day seems to make the smell even worse. Beads of sweat roll down her forehead, and she wipes it away.

Although she’s far too aware that it’d be considered as rude, she keeps her eyes on the men. After a more careful once-over, Jamie decides that the men aren’t making out. No - it’s more like a violent embrace. The taller man with red hair has his arms around the other one, and their faces are right next to each other.

Well, can't blame me for jumping to conclusions here.

The men are too far away for her to make out exact words, but she catches little phrases as the men continue to engage in -what seems to be- an intense hug.

-be alright, always be…, she hears. There… not there …okay.

The shorter man has bright blond hair that Jamie is quickly envious of, and when he convulses and shakes his head violently, Jamie sees his eyes. Even from a distance, she can see a certain lifeless quality to them that raises the hairs on her arms.

The blond man’s torso seems to be spasming. The red haired man keeps speaking a in low, murmuring voice.

Jamie realizes suddenly that the men are not hugging. The red haired man is either trying to get the blond man to sit down on the bench, or trying to tug him up. With an increasing feeling of being an intruder, Jamie stands there with Daisy tugging on the leash, the sun stabbing into her eyes. After what feels like forever, the red haired man succeeds in gently easing the other man down onto the bench. The blond man’s hands have stopped spasming. Quietly, the red haired man turns around to sit down next to him.

She feels awful for staring, but it’s nearly impossible to not stare at the red haired man’s face - well, what remains of it. A pink scar that ripples across the left side of the man’s face, deforming an eye and the corner of his lips, twitches as the man smiles.

If a single brown eye hadn’t flickered in her direction, Jamie would have kept staring, rooted to the spot. With a surprised jerk, Jamie spins around, starts walking briskly and urges Daisy to come along, her heart pounding. She dares not look back until she’s a good distance away from the bench, and when she does, she sees the red haired man wiping the other man’s forehead with a flower-patterned handkerchief. The blond man sits still, his back slightly hunched over, and stares out into empty space. It wouldn’t have been entirely unfair for Jamie to assume the man to be an expertly made wax figure, left in the small park to sit on the bench and stare for all of eternity.

The uncomfortable feeling of intruding on a private moment returns. Jamie tugs Daisy along as she keeps walking, and doesn’t look back again.


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590 Reviews


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Wed Jul 19, 2017 11:54 am
Mageheart wrote a review...



Hello, mephistophelesangel! I'm here to review your work! I'm sorry in advance if my review isn't all that helpful. I'm trying to become a better reviewer, but I'm still not used to reviewing some of the things I'm going to mention in this review.

Your grammar is pretty spot on, except for one part where you mention how long Jamie has lived with her dog. The number "7" should be written out because it's a measure of time. Other than that, I couldn't find anything wrong with your story's grammar!

Even after 7 years of living with Daisy, the putrid smell never fails to bring forth a hint of disgust onto her face.


You also do a great job with the descriptions in the story. None of them are jarring to the reader, and all serve a purpose in conveying the story. The descriptions help enforce the mysterious mood of the story, as well as allowing the reader to get a glimpse into the action.

In regards to the characters, Jamie is the only one the reader really knows about. Not much information is given about her except that she's had a Newfoundland for seven years and that she's a curious person. But that works well for this story; you're trying to make the story seem mysterious. If you added a lot of information about her suddenly, rather than over the course of the story, it would detract from that.

The two men mentioned are also very interesting characters. The way you described them, and the lack of explanation for their actions, makes me very curious about what was happening in the park when Jamie was watching them.

I hope this review helped. I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh! Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

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Tue Jul 18, 2017 6:57 pm
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review as requested! I see that this is the first part of a short story. The title is interesting, so we'll have to see how this goes. Without further ado, let's jump right into the review.

When Jamie sees the two men making out in front of the bench, her hands are in the middle of picking up a massive pile of dog poop


What a weird line to start with. I can't say that this doesn't hook the reader into the story, though I also can't say that this is what I expected going in. I have to say though, when you're going to talk about the feces of a dog in this detail, there better be some payoff. Is this used for humor? Is this used just for an activity that Jamie is doing at the time to notice the men? Also, why does it take two paragraphs for her to do this? Not a large complaint, though there's an unneeded focus on this for seemingly no particular reason.

I figure the men are important to the short story because of how much Jamie observes about them in the first part. This is definitely a different way to start a short story because the reader wonders where this is going and I have to say that the mystery aspect in this part is strong because we as the readers are wondering what's going on, though that doesn't give excuses for the future parts. I expect them to unravel and make sense of what's going on, which is hopefully what ends up happening.

This is a little...surreal? That's the only way I can describe this thus far into the story. There isn't a clear direction to where this is going, though there are a multitude of places that I can see this ending up. Keeping the reader in the dark here is done well and so is hooking them in. Those aspects are done well. I did find the pacing to be a little fast though that may be because there's not a lot of content here and instead what is here is stretched out a bit. Interested to see where this goes! May continue reading this out of curiosity.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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