Sometimes I'm reckless
Sometimes I'm calm
I go to places that are unattainable
I think of things that make me insatiable.
In some bodies, I'm a mastermind
In some bodies, I'm frail
I'm a parasite resting in some
I'm a genius to be showcased in a museum.
The universe is mine
I create imagination
I'm science, I'm art
I'm the destroyer of body, soul and heart.
I tell myself not to get too attached
For it, there’ll be consequences
Don’t let the heart take over, it doesn’t matter
In case it does, I'll perish and shatter.
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137,681 Literary Works • 672,057 Reviews
To the genious who is shocased in a museum
Hi ! I am diphylleia. I wish your health and heart are good.
I see that your poem contain so much feelings. Our mids really are whole kingdoms, and we are the kings of them.
I liked how you make the univers yours, and used your imagination to describe who you are. I wish that I can describe myself like you did. I am glad to read your masterpiece.
Thank you for sharing with us. Waiting for your next work.
Thank you for the review!
Hi mememiner! Haraya here with a review.
First off, It's nice that you're using concrete words throughout your poem. I'd like to encourage you to use more of them in your poems because it creates richer imagery and makes your poems more vivid. Avoid abstract words such as "unattainable" and "insatiable" and use more words like "parasite" and "museum." Don't be afraid to experiment with descriptive words.
While I think each description of the mind is suiting, I think there was a lack of a logical flow from several lines to the next. The first two were all right, since "reckless" and "calm" are opposite ideas. "Unattainable" and "insatiable" were somehow related I think, since they both deal with the limitless or boundless. However, "mastermind" and "frail" didn't seem to have a connection. The following couples of lines also stopped following this pattern. Having a recognizable pattern would have made your poem more cohesive. Moreover, it may help your poem sound logical, which would match the notion that the speaker of the poem is the mind, which is all reason and rationality.
Overall, I think your poem is interesting and imaginative. Wishing you the best of luck in your future works!
Thank you for the review!
Hello mememimer, I'm here to review your poem!
This poem has an intriguing and fairly uncommon subject, which makes it an interesting and refreshing read.
Your last two lines
bring a sudden comparison of the heart to the mind, and I think it would strengthen the poem to see this more throughout. Showcasing the struggle to keep emotions/love at bay and remain an indifferent "mastermind" would make the subject more specific and also create a conflict that the reader can sympathize with. It's always better to steer away from really broad subjects in poetry, and try to pinpoint something more specific to make the poem feel more personal. And for a poem like this one, it almost feels like a mini-story that should have a plot with conflict and resolution (or just conflict and cliffhanger).
I would also suggest dividing your poem into stanzas (which are like paragraphs in poetry). This poem is fairly short and it's not totally necessary, but I personally always find stanzas make a poem easier to read.
There's also some repetition throughout the poem that isn't very consistent and as a result, instead of giving the desired effect of emphasis (I presume), I feel that it just makes the poem a bit less engaging in some parts. For example, we have the first half of the poem that seems to be divided into couplets with similar structure within each couplet.
I've colour coded the above quote to show where the couplets are. The use of some rhyming further makes it feel like the poem is divided into almost mini-stanzas of two lines.
I understand your choice to design the poem like this, but I think it could be made stronger if you cut out the repetition and varied the language more. Also, in just the lines above, you use the word "some" 5 times, which sort of detracts from the meaning of the word, if that makes sense.
I do really love the language you use throughout the poem! Lines such as
and
are really poignant and convey your message beautifully.
All in all, a well-written poem and enjoyable read! I hope this review was helpful and if you have any questions feel free to ask.
Keep writing!
whatchamcallit
Thank you for the review!
Hey Mememimer!
This is definitely one of those poems where the last line defines the whole meaning, and I love that. Whilst reading it the first time it seemed quite arrogant, a bit of a navel gazer. I felt like perhaps the narrator was trying to over-compensate or build themselves up as some image of grandeur. Even the mention of being frail felt more like it was demonstrating the flexibility of perception rather than any actual frailty.
That was until those last two lines. The sudden, unabashed vulnerability exposed in those two lines change everything. Adding the rhyme at the end also highlights the importance of them quite well.
That arrogance and grandeur that came across in the first reading suddenly takes on a new meaning, and becomes weighted with that sense of fear and obligation instead of self indulgence. Being a genius to be showcased is so self indulgent until you apply the context that if this person is not a genius to be showcased, if they do not adhere to this standard, then they'll just fall apart.
All that said, if the intention was to create a balanced perception, rather than the grand one, then balancing the language out would do that. The references to being lesser are written in a way that don't have as much impact as the references to be grand, of which there are more.
An improvement that could be made is that it might be good to spend a bit more time on each of the metaphors, add some more colourful language, just to make them each stand out more and give the piece some more depth.
Hope this helps!
Thank you for the review!