Once upon a time, a long time ago, there was a girl who was in love with a boy. This story is not a narrative, don’t get me wrong, I would love to be in love, but it is not about me. This story is fiction, definitely not about me, because in this story the boy loves her back.
I don’t know how their story began, but I know what they are now. He loved her as the stars love the moon, and he knew they belonged together. She, on the other hand, wasn’t as romantic about the idea of the two of them. Instead of living above the clouds she felt like they were in the middle of them. She was the rain and he was the thunder and she feared that someday the storm would clear and she would dry up while he continued rumbling in the aftermath. She lived in a constant fear of disappointing, that she wasn't what he thought she was. And while she worried, she couldn’t see that he only sat in awe of her.
It pains me to say I watched as she sabotaged her own happiness. Because she didn’t trust herself to be lovable, she didn’t trust him to stay in love with her. So she waited for what she thought was the inevitable, and pretty soon the moon the stats loved so much, began to eclipse.
Just as I don’t know the beginning of this story, I also don’t know the end. But I can hope that she loved him enough to see that all she needed was to love herself and I can hope that he continued to love her despite the storm being over. The rain indeed will dry up and the thunder eventually stops. I hope the clouds clear to show the moon coming back into the light, surrounded by the brilliance of the stars.
m.c.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey there! joallover here for a review on this wonderful Review Day for team Mazarine Marauders!
I'm in agree with @Temi, this does not feel like a poem to me. Even though it was more of a short story, I still enjoyed it very much. It is a wonderful concept, a sad story (one that I can relate to) and you wrote it wonderfully. The metaphors are beautifully placed and your wording is amazing.
Although, in the good, there is always the bad. I have nitpicks.
In the first paragraph, you have a little bit of repetition.
"...I would love to be in love, but it is not about me. This story is fiction, definitely not about me,..."
You seem to be so intent on making everyone know that it is not about you, it makes people believe it actually is you, but you don't want anyone to know. Either that, or it is based off of something you have experienced.
Another thing I found could have been better was the line "She lived in a constant fear of disappointing." I believe that it would sound better, more poetic, as intended, if it was something such as "She lived in a constant fear of disappoint" or "disappointment."
Other than that, you did amazing. In having such little information about the story of the couple, having no end or beginning, you portrayed the story as well as anyone could. You have a very strong conclusion, and the reformation of the metaphors are very powerful in tales like this one.
You did wonderfully in this piece. Good job! I enjoyed this very much. Keep calm and write on!
Peace Love and Fahrvergnugen!
-joallover
Thank you for the feedback! It means a lot and you make some good points. With the repetativeness in the first paragraph you caught on to the point, so good on you.
Thank you for the advice and kind words!
This has a beautiful concept. However, I don't think it's a poem. It does have a poetic feel to it... I think you should also check the word play in this write up. For example, ''She lived in a fear of disappointing''... (I don't understand the word play here). I have to say that your story telling skills are beautiful you just need to know how to use the right words to suit whatever concept you choose to explore.
Tend your flame...
Thank you so much. I'll keep that stuff in mind, it helps
This is so beautiful and sad! So poetic! How can people bear to see their love in so much anguish? It hurts my brain. (not to mention my heart.) :' S
This is perfect, so i'm not going to bother reviewing. LOVE THIS POEM!!! <3
~CuriosityCat
Thank you!
First of all, I think, perhaps, you have placed these brilliant thoughts in the wrong category?
Or am I missing out on some new way of writing poetry?
Nitpicks. Typos.
"He loved her as the stars love moon,"
Should be "He loved her as the stars love THE moon."
Use the same articles.
"pretty soon the moon the starts loved so much began to eclipse."
What? Reword that better.
Furthermore, you need to add some more commas in certain places, but that's it.
This is an amazing story with amazing ideas and amazing plot. Make it into a movie (or a novel) or something!
Thanks for the review. I appreciate it, sorry for the mistakes, those come from not rereading. My bad :/