Chapter 2: The Trials The trials is a test that Guardian initiates undergo to test their skill. The first test covers magic ability and knowledge. The second test covers ranged combat and the third test is sword combat. A final fourth test is when a group of Angels, usually four, are grouped together and they are sent to perform a task.
It was a flawless day, with no clouds in the sky. The temperature was just right and Dailan awoke feeling great. In the past few days he had done absolutely nothing but sleep, talk with friends, and socialized with the other members of the order. No matter how hard he tried and pried none of the Guardians would divulge the secrets of the trials. The training field where Dailan met Garus was only occupied by the two. “Are you ready Perino?” Garus asked the boy before him. “Yes Valan Garus.” Dailan replied. Valan was a respectful name for a teacher, and Perino was a respectful name for an student.
The first trial only took a few hours and Dailan only had to recite the history of magic and cast spells, some more difficult than others. The second trial was a bit more difficult. Dailan had to use his bow and shoot at targets that were placed at different distances from himself. He shot crouching, and standing, and he could aim for no more than six seconds. Many of the arrows hit the designated targets and only a few missed. The third trial was sparring. As tradition had it both Valan and Perino fought with their current weapons. Dailan used his shield and sword and Garus was using a massive great-sword. Garus would have an advantage because his sword had a greater reach, but Dailan would be able to move more quickly. He'll probably never even land a hit. Dailan thought. “Don't forget to dull your blade.” Garus said. “O, yes Valan.”
“Mucrone hebetare cover.” both said as they ran their finger along their blade. The spell meant; dull the blade, and cover. It did as it spoke, in a way. The blades were not dulled, but there was a sort of invisible cover along the blade, only about a half inch thick. The blades would not cut, but they could still break bones and bruise.
Garus and Dailan walked backward, only a few feet, and nodded toward each other, which officially began their duel.
The blades collided with sparks. Each spark the same color of the owner's shwalen. Dailan had thought that with Garus wielding a great-sword he would be very slow. What he did not think of was Garus's increased speed and the fact that he was very experienced with a sword of that size. The force behind Garus's blows passed through Dailan's shield and with every hit pain was swept through his arm. If Dailan even wanted to land a blow on his opponent he would have to start soon, before the pain became overwhelming. Dailan timed it perfectly. As Garus lowered his sword to strike at Dailan, Dailan turned his shield at the moment of impact. Not only was the pain less, but it threw Garus off his balance. Dailan swung his blade at Garus's temple. Right before the moment of impact Garus ducked and drove his shoulder into Dailan's gut. God, he's a lot faster than I thought. Dailan thought as he fell to the ground, breathless. Garus swung downward again and the blow was blocked by the shield. Dailan however saw an opening at Garus's feet, and took advantage. Dailan's feet were swept behind Garus, and he fell. For the first time Garus was on the ground, and Dailan had landed his first blow. Dailan rose to his feet before Garus and pointed his blade at his neck. “Not bad for a first time, eh?” Dailan asked. “Only because you cheated.”
“There's no such thing as cheating in combat.” Garus only grumbled, and stood up. “I think you're good. Come back in two hours time and I'll show you to your group, and assign you your mission.” Dailan nodded his acknowledgment, and left the field.
Later that day Dailan, and his companion Coda, walked to the same sparring field where Dailan and Garus had sparred. The were three others there already. Garus, Mathias, Dailan's friend since boyhood, and another Angel named Adriana. The Angels had no problems with women fighting like the humans did. “Since we all are here now I will tell you what we have to do.” the initiates stood still, waiting for instruction. “As you all know the fourth trial is really a test. We four are going to be journeying to Faregy.” The Angels gasped in shock; with the amount of Kan there they would never make it out alive. “Yes it is a dangerous task, and yes it will be hard to complete, but this task is very urgent.”
“Do we get to be told what the task is?” Adriana said. “The trial, not task, has to do with something that Rikku informed the counsel about when he brought you here,” Garus's eyes landed on Dailan, “the counsel suspects that the Dark Brotherhood is indeed, behind the war. If the brotherhood is behind this, then ending this war is going to be much more difficult.”
“I thought the Dark Brotherhood had been banished to some other realm?” Mathias asked. “They were, but if they did happen to escape, which is possible, it is highly likely that the brotherhood bound the Lar-a'Kan to themselves. This would explain how they know our language, and can use magic.”
“What are we to do when we get there?” Dailan asked.
“We are only going to see if there is any evidence of the brotherhood returning. If there is, we need to get back here as soon as possible and inform the counsel. Does that sound simple enough?”
“Yes.” all three of the Angels said.
“Good, then we need to travel to Iro, and use the moving rune.” Garus finished. The moving rune is a not a rune at all, but instead it is a sort of room. In the room is a great portal which will take any who travel through it to the Angel's earthen capital of Rastaug. From there they would ride on their Foragok to Faregy.
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hello! Gheala here.
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Hm.. Is that paragraph necessary? When I read it, I felt as though I'm listening to a lecture and I honestly didn't like it as an opening. But I did like the next paragraph a lot. Is there any chance that you could start the chapter with the second paragraph? But if you're willing to keep it, then I think you should make it in past tense, like the rest of your chapter.
Put this alone in a paragraph. You need to start new paragraphs when there is a new quotation.
New paragraph here. Always start a new paragraph when you make a new quotation for a different person.
I liked those lines. They made me very interested. Nice job.
Alright that confused me a little. I didn't know who was talking to who. In the first line, is that two people talking? Or just one?
And in the second line, make sure you put a comma instead of the period in the end of the quotation.
That was a very very long paragraph. You need to make it shorter, because your reader will probably get distracted and might even skip a few lines. Think about that.
I think you need a comma after "impact".
New paragraph here.
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Alright, now with the overall stuff!
So, first of all, I liked this. You do have your ways to make me interested enough to be able to read the story. You're obviously very talented.
But I do have some remarks about the chapter. I didn't find any spelling mistakes, which is of course a good thing. The flaws you have in that chapter is mostly about dividing your piece. What does that mean? Your chapter needs to be divided into descriptive paragraphs and dialogues.
Once you write a new quotation, you need to start a new paragraph and if you're going to write a new quotation, you need to start another paragraph. If you don't do that, your reader will be confused and he or she won't know who's talking, like I told you.
I think that is all. Yes, that piece was very good and I think that paragraphs and dividing them is your only problem. Try to fix that and good luck!
Hoping everyone will read this as they stop by but if youve looked at my profile recently youll see that i found an old story that i used to write and its a lot like this one. I also like it better and its more interesting and less cliched(my opinion). Soon Ima have the rewrite up and I'll change The Cataclysm Chronicles name to the Guardians Creed(that might be what I name it) and I'll change the chapters appropiately because I wont have enough points. Don't know how everyone will like each version better so I'll put them up differently and leave it to a vote.
Icy here to review! I haven't read the first chapter but I also know that I would prefer people to simply read & review my current chapter rather than going back to the first one. I hope you'd prefer that too!
At the end of this I would insert something about how the tasks are hard, and few succeed. For me it just adds an element of tension into the chapter.On to the review:
Of course, make sure that it fits with your story too.
A chapter is usually much longer than the one you have posted here. I would take this oportunity to describe the first two tasks in much more detail. The reader needs to get aquainted with the MC and in my experience chapter two is the one that determines a lot of character traits.
Try to avoid using 'sparring' and 'sparred' in the same sentence - variety is better.
This is all I really have for nitpicks. As I said, try to expand this chapter more because at the moment it only looks like it is one or two pages in length. You have left many gaps where you could expand - take advantage of them!