Published December 11, 2004
"Ho Ho Ho"
Santa pin so sharp
Cherry nose, holiday cheer
See the blood you draw
"Evil"
You smile and I know
That behind those straight, white teeth
Is a heart that beats
"They’re Chipped Now"
I painted my nails
To keep that night forever
Red, like blood, like lips
"Guitar-Fetus"
Like an embryo
It takes form in my fingers
Look, I’m a mother
"Maybe"
Maybe you’re a whore
But my pockets are empty
I’ve nothing to lose
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141,379 Literary Works • 674,384 Reviews
Hello!
VioletFantasy here to give your wonderful haikus a review! I was so happy when I saw that these haikus are ACTUALLY haikus. They follow the 5-7-5 rule and are only three lines long. People pretend to write haikus a lot, but they don’t follow the format.
I’m going to review each of the haikus, starting with “Ho, Ho, Ho”. This one was ready well written! It shows the darker side of Christmas and all of the pain that it can cause. Christmas can be a very stressful and chaotic time. It draws the energy out of us like drawing blood. That was a very clever metaphor.
“Evil” was definitely my favorite haiku out of the five. It shows that looks can be deceiving, and you have to look underneath the skin to see their true evilness. The line about the straight, white teeth is what sets this one apart from the others.
“They’re Chipped Now” is the darkest haiku out of the bunch, in my opinion. I think it has everything to do with the title. The memory of that night must have faded away, since the nails are chipped now. Also, the use of blood in the last line sent chills down my back for some reason. It just seems really creepy. Beautiful, but creepy.
The next haiku kind of seems out of place with the overall theme of the other ones. They are all dark and slightly spooky, but “Guitar-Fetus” has a different vibe. It is more thoughtful and not creepy. Comparing a guitar to an embryo is a genius idea. The way you describe it is just absolutely amazing.
The last one made me laugh! xD The narrator’s attitude is very care-free and adventurous. They don’t care that this person is untrustworthy because they have nothing that the person can steal. “Maybe” was very interesting and it made a good point.
Overall, I loved your haikus! They were original and unique. I genuinely enjoyed reading them and hope to read mire if your poetry in the future! Keep writing!!
Alright....so firstly I want to say that these cant exactly classify as haiku, because haiku follow the 5-7-5 syllable rule, and you seem to have overlooked that. Seconsly, I think the point you want to make is sort of......vague, because I don't understand what these are about. i don't mean to offend you: it's just that I don't quite get the meaning.
Anyway, keep writing!
Mysti
I don't usually see what's so effective about Haikus but you managed to say a lot in just a few lines so well done you! The language is rather simple but then I suppose there is little space for extensive imagery so altogether you've done a really good job here! My favourite is 'evil.'
I like these haikus. They've all got a similiar theme running through them, and they all got the same general type of tone. References and allusions are suitably bleak, and each haiku is a story in itself. Well done.