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E - Everyone Language

Life

by marwa


L.i.f.e

My life is lie

My life is shy

But I’m alive

Every second I feel I’m down

Until I decide to leave this town

No more fire

I just will keep desire

No more pains

No more wrench

I ‘ll be myself

I’ll be a bird which fly

I’ll be a dreamer who touch the sky

I’ll make a life like a butterfly

Because I’m sure that after darkness there is brightness

In every moon there is light

In every hope there is a dream

In every smile we face a disaster

This is life

Pains and sorrow

Smile and hope

We must face it and play it

Win or lose

But be sure that god always with you .


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8 Reviews


Points: 1031
Reviews: 8

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Thu Aug 08, 2013 3:46 pm
Equivocal wrote a review...



Frankly, though I respect your endeavoring in such an art. This poem is merely satisfactory, that is not to say that it is devoid of opportunity.

To begin, my review, I will first tell you that bold honesty is the best way to learn the art of honing your own talents as a writer. This poem is not very good, and it does not have flowing that is consistent with what is necessary for a poem of such potential gravity. You must elaborate in tongues of obscurity this torment, or this plague which cleaves to thee, and it is quite plain that the pain within you or within this character is quite obvious. Thus, I suggest that you take a deeper look within yourself, and ask yourself if life is truly this simple? Is life divided between good and evil, and is it black and white? Are there no aberrations within life?

This is a common problem within young writers, for they constantly founder at the task of creating psychological diversity, or even diversity for that matter. Life is filled with abnormalities, it is filled with psychologically and idiosyncratic characters which have endured the sorrow of life, and there are those who do not look so simply upon life. You must bring diversity, you must express your poetry through your grief in NEW WAYS, and especially you must take notice of the psychological difference between people. My friend now is the time to learn that not many people are just hurtful and malignant, for there is always a cause, a catalyst for ones behavior. Take these words sincerely, and I tell once more that honesty is a necessity.

Equivocal, a fellow young writer.




marwa says...


Thank for the critique .Also I want you to know that is the first poem I wrote and honestly I don't have any experience I'm just a little beginner who loves only writing .So sir if you don't mind help me !



Equivocal says...


Too true, you are young, and I believe that you are deserving of aid. However, it is a question as to how far do you deserve aid, for it is within you to take the words and the guidance I have supplied, and utilize it. For, I believe that I have helped you quite incredibly, and should you ever need any more help? I am here. But, I will not word your questions for you, enrich your vocabulary, read interminably, and allow for the truths of the world and their complexity to influence you.

Equivocal, a fellow young writer.



User avatar
8 Reviews


Points: 1031
Reviews: 8

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Thu Aug 08, 2013 3:45 pm
Equivocal says...



Frankly, though I respect your endeavoring in such an art. This poem is merely satisfactory, that is not to say that it is devoid of opportunity.

To begin, my review, I will first tell you that bold honesty is the best way to learn the art of honing your own talents as a writer. This poem is not very good, and it does not have flowing that is consistent with what is necessary for a poem of such potential gravity. You must elaborate in tongues of obscurity this torment, or this plague which cleaves to thee, and it is quite plain that the pain within you or within this character is quite obvious. Thus, I suggest that you take a deeper look within yourself, and ask yourself if life is truly this simple? Is life divided between good and evil, and is it black and white? Are there no aberrations within life?

This is a common problem within young writers, for they constantly founder at the task of creating psychological diversity, or even diversity for that matter. Life is filled with abnormalities, it is filled with psychologically and idiosyncratic characters which have endured the sorrow of life, and there are those who do not look so simply upon life. You must bring diversity, you must express your poetry through your grief in NEW WAYS, and especially you must take notice of the psychological difference between people. My friend now is the time to learn that not many people are just hurtful and malignant, for there is always a cause, a catalyst for ones behavior. Take these words sincerely, and I tell once more that honesty is a necessity.

Equivocal, a fellow young writer.




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55 Reviews


Points: 39
Reviews: 55

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Wed Aug 07, 2013 5:26 pm
mb1221 wrote a review...



Hi, mb1221 is here to review this piece.

First of all, welcome to Young Writers Society.
I would like to start this review by saying that this poem is an AWESOME first piece. I liked the way you used imagery, metaphors and similes; all the essential figures of poetry. You have made all your points clear, which is good. Poetry is usually complicated as hell for me, and I feel so happy when I actually understand a poem. Overall, this piece is great. Keep writing and I hope you will have a very good time in YWS. :)




marwa says...


Thank you so much :)



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Reviews: 88

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Wed Aug 07, 2013 4:16 pm
whitewolfpuppy wrote a review...



Hey there! I'll be reviewing your poem this lovely morning. :)
Well so far, I love it. I like how you choose your words and keep everything down. Though I do have a few questions, are you trying to use rhyme? If so, you do have with only a few words, other's not so much. That is something I would define in the poem. (That is just me, you can discard it if you would like.) Other than that, at the end I wouldn't put a space between the period and the word. That might be a typo but I just noticed it. Other than that, wonderful! Have a nice day,
~Whitewolfpuppy




marwa says...


Thank for giving me your opinion ; that is really important for me .Yes I try to use the rhyme :)



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Points: 390
Reviews: 17

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Wed Aug 07, 2013 4:08 pm
sanju says...



The flow of the poem is smooth and effortless. You have been able to pass across the message with minimum words. This shows your hold over the choice of words. Overall, a good one.




marwa says...


Thank you so much :)



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Reviews: 30

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Wed Aug 07, 2013 3:35 pm
ScandalousPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello!

I liked the fluency, it was really nice! The word choice was also good but I think there was a formatting error, with the no stanzas thing? Separate it into stanzas and it will make it easier on the reader! It'll help them absorb the information and there are just natural breaks and different ideas that call for stanzas!

Okay now lets do close edit thing:

L.i.f.e

I don't think this is needed, except maybe for a title? Or just take away the periods between the letters.

My life is lie

My life is shy

But I’m alive


I feel as if this is one continuous sentence. Add a comma or a period to the end of it, so the reader knows when to stop and such.
Also, I feel as if there could be a new stanza here for it's a new idea/ thought here.


Every second I feel I’m down

Until I decide to leave this town

No more fire

I just will keep desire


Here, I am confused with the "no more fire, I just will keep the desire." What do you mean? You will keep the feeling to move and not do it?


No more pains

No more wrench

I ‘ll be myself


Good, I like this.


I’ll be a bird which fly

I’ll be a dreamer who touch the sky

I’ll make a life like a butterfly

Because I’m sure that after darkness there is brightness


Love it. The metaphors are great.
Remember periods and commas...


In every moon there is light

In every hope there is a dream

In every smile we face a disaster

This is life


The last line here makes the fluency kind of stumble here. Maybe rearrange it?



Pains and sorrow

Smile and hope

We must face it and play it

Win or lose

But be sure that god always with you.



I like this poem alot! It's nice and short which is good.
Can't wait to see the finished piece!
Any questions, message me!


~scandalousphoenix




marwa says...


Thank you for the critique and thank you for reading my poem :) !



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Wed Aug 07, 2013 3:23 pm
KLovelace wrote a review...



Hello, K here to review! I hope this is helpful!

I'm going to go line by line first, to show you places that might need a little work. First, there's this- "My life is lie," which is not grammatically correct. Did you mean, "My life is a lie?" then there's- "I just will keep desire," which should probably be, "I will just keep desire." Then, there's this line, "I'll make a life like a butterfly." That is my favorite line, I really loved it ^.6 Then, in the last line, you left out 'is' so it should read- "But be sure that God is always with you."

Moving on, I'll do your strengths and weaknesses. Starting with your strengths, you have good word choice here. There is a little bit of room for improvement, but you still do a really good job of telling the story. There is also a pretty okay flow going here.

Now your weaknesses. First, punctuation. I know it's hard to put punctuation in poetry for some people, but it helps the reader a lot and directs the flow so much better. Also, you might want to try stanzas in your poetry- it breaks up longer poems like this and helps them flow better as well. Last, you might want to try making the lines around the same length, but that's only a small suggestion ^.^

Overall, I really liked it and I hope you keep writing!




marwa says...


Thank you for the critique and your tips :)



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Wed Aug 07, 2013 3:18 pm
221B wrote a review...



I like this poem, it is very easy to connect with.

I did notice a few places where your tenses were mixed up though. For example "I'll be a bird which fly" should be "I'll be a bird and fly" or "I'll be a bird which flies". Other than that I didn't notice many things that needed fixing. The flow was nice, too, but maybe try putting it into stanzas? It seems very rushed since there isn't punctuation or stanzas to offer places to pause. Try reading it out loud to make sure it sounds how you want it too. (:

Very lovely poem, I hope to see more from you!
~ 221B




marwa says...


Thank you for reading my poem and for your tips :) I will keep writing ! :)



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Wed Aug 07, 2013 3:09 pm
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marwa says...







I don't do time.
— Liberty