Young Writers Society

Part One is officially out!

Alister in Sonderland - One

man do i love breaking promises to myself.

Hey Manilla! Thank you so much for asking me to review this. It really means a lot! To be honest, it's a lot more fun to review things when people ask you to, so thank you. I'll get straight into the review.

Grammar/Syntax:

*all alterations made by me are in bold and I change/add things on when I feel it's needed

"Dear reader, the Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll you know is a lie. For one, Alice Liddell's adventure was not, in fact, a dream. Our version of your 'Wonderland' is alive and real, with half the magic from a decade before.

"You don't believe me? You claim that my tall tale is 'utterly preposterous' and 'ridiculous'? Why, stop using those big words you hardly understand yourself and listen up.

"Sonderland is in danger. The Four Lands of the North, South, East, and West Winds are warring with each other, and innocents are getting caught in the crossfire―

"Stop interrupting me! This affects your world, too.

"Sonderland generates the creativity you puny humans use for ideas (The repetition of 'create' was unpleasant). We've reinvented the wheel, and perhaps we might share our creation with you as a simple act of generosity (I don't get this line). But that's besides the point.

"Peer into my looking glass―the only thing known to exist that lets you take a view of the second dimension―the land that shares a world with yours. The true dimension. Sonderland, if I may say so myself.

"I'm not crazy! I swear on my life, I'm not mad! This isn't some stupid crystal ball from your dumb fairytales. Not all fairy tales have a happy ending, you twit. Please, I'm running out of time. At least let me talk if the visual truth will not persuade you (This last line doesn't make much sense to me, as readers we have only heard words and have seen no visual truth).

"There was once a single speck in the universe (Point makes me think of math and geometry and well if you want to be more correct, I'd use "speck." It sounds better too). That is what your "Big Bang" theory claims. But, in fact, there were two.
¶
"These two points exploded, for some reason, and they formed the world you know―and the world I know. Earth and Sonderland, side by side, hidden from each other in the folds and dimensions of space and time.

"You humans never invented an invention that let you see our realm, but we invented one only a hundred years after the first intelligent beings, your 'human' equivalent, came in Sonderland. (I am "in" America, I am not "on" America. This sentence confused me. I had to read it three times to understand that you meant that the people of Sunderland invented a device to see humans a hundred years after they appeared in Sunderland. At first, I thought you meant that the people of Sunderland invented a device to see humans a hundred years after the humans which contradicted the first part of the sentence. Very confusing. Perhaps if you fixed the wording it would make sense.)

"Our world was the paradise you humans always imagined yours to be in the afterlife. The weather was 'just right', with a light breeze and occasional rain (Quotes within quotes should be the single quote marks), species coexisted with each other, our forests were a work of colorful art, and the people were loyal to their rulers. They trusted each other. We all lived in harmony. Peace, I daresay! Balanced perfection! Where are all of those things now, I wonder?

"Well, our lands coexisted peacefully until your 'Industrial Revolution' took place. Slowly but surely, our dimension stared to fall apart. (This doesn't make sense because a "big hit" doesn't happen "slowly but surely.")

"Things started falling apart. The Seven Sins were introduced to us: We started killing, lying, stealing, backstabbing, and murdering (I'm pretty sure 'killing' and 'murdering' is the same thing, but 'murdering' has a darker feel to it so if you need to pick one, pick that one). How could you have possibly lived with those things for centuries? Millenias!? Generations upon generations of sinners? (I'm not sure why but I don't like "sinners" maybe it should be "sin" but then again "generations" refers to people. I'm not sure, but I thought I'd make a note anyway)

"By then, the Four Lands each had a sovereign ("Now" is a present tense word and you're writing in past tense). Each Land went in the direction of the Four Winds, as mentioned before. The sovereigns basked in their current power, hungry for more. So they slaughtered, conquered, and let the borders shift. Your Alice Liddell barely made it out alive, for the Queen of Heart tried to chop her head off and burned her body to a crisp.

"In fact, there is no King of Hearts. We have a King of Diamonds to the East, an Emperor of Clubs to the South, and an Empress of Spades to the North. Fall into their traps and you surely will not make it out alive.

"Now, I plead with you. Take away your machines. Take away your fossil fuels. Take away your factories[. and surely, Sonderland will not burn. Because if Sonderland burns, Earth is going down with us.
¶
"Believe Alice Liddell when she speaks of the truth...If she is not yet dead." (I don't like this last line. It just seems cliche to me and I know you're hoping to add tension with this but the tension is already there)

--

"My name is Madeira Hattable, the Mad Hatter (Hahaha, @Hattable). Come with me, for you are the one that will save us all."

*reads the definition at the top of the story*
Oh... so this is going to be a story that makes me question my existence, isn't it? *takes a deep breath* alright... let's do this

Hello!

It's really windy here were I am right now, but I'm going to try to ignore it as I edit your story. It may or may not be lowkey scaring me though But anyway, I'm going to go through my grammar suggestions first, then I'll give you my overall review of the story!

Our version of your 'Wonderland' is alive and real, with half the magic from a decade before.

"I don't want to write several paragraphs of dialogue for you here, so I'm probably only going to make these a few lines, but it still works.

"See how I didn't add a end quote to my dialogue above because I'm still speaking in this paragraph below? That's how it's supposed to look. Still put the opening quotation mark on the beginning of the paragraph however, just so readers know the character is still speaking, and you didn't simply forget to add a end quotation mark. Only when I stop speaking do you add the end quote. Like this."

At least let me talk if the visual truth will not persuade yoy.

These two points exploded for some reason...

"You humans never invented an invention that let you see our realm, but we invented one only a hundred years after the first intelligent beings, your "human" equivalent, came on Sonderland.

balanced perfection!

Well, our lands coexisted peacefully until your Industrial Revolution took place.

Believe Alice Liddell when she speaks of the truth...If she is not yet dead.

Hello, manilla. I am here to provide you a review. Let’s get started, shall we?

I. PLOT
It is quite interesting reading a story that is like Alice in Wonderland but it has been re-invented. I can see if you put your own unique touch into the story, at the same time, still kept the Alice in Wonderland taste into it. For Example, the mad hatter. Everyone knows who the mad hatter is, and I am glad you kept him in the storyline, or at least the prologue. He seems to be the one who is going to narrate the whole storyline? Or is it only for the prologue? We shall see, am I right?

II. NITPICKS & STUFF
The only problem I have with the whole story is the quotation marks. Since this is the prologue and the mad hatter seems to be narrating the story than actually talking, there’s no need for the quotation marks. That’s all I have to say on that note.

There is not much to go on since this is only the prologue of the story and does seem to be a short prologue ( not too short, but short. Lel. )

III. OVERALL
Overall, I find the plot of the story quite intriguing. The re-invention of Alice in Wonderland is something I have never read before, so I like it. Remember, when it comes to narrating, no need for quotation marks. Narrating and speaking are two completely different things. I noticed in your author’s note that you will be continuing your other novel before getting into this one, so I see what you’re trying to do. I will go read your other novel. The title looks cool to me. Keep up the great work. Keep writing and enjoy the rest of your day.

- Kanome

I'm going to finish Danser before continuing this, I swear :')
@Hattable