A/N 4/19/18: I have made edits! They are in bold, and the original text will be strikethroughed.
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monachopsis - n. the subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.
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Pale blue eyes fluttered open, the only light in the darkness.
There was nothing but black. Blackness and a sterile, regulated cold. That was all he saw. The boy could not move, nor could he turn his head to see what was going on around him. It wasn't that there was something there to block or stop him, but it just seemed impossible to do at the fleeting moment. His mouth was sealed shut by something, and there was not the slightest of sounds. He didn't know where he was or who put him in this situation. Confusion wrapped around the boy in a barbed snare. He had to get out. He had to run. Struggling to open his mouth, the boy strained against the invisible forces pressed against his bare skin. Finally, his jaw unclenched, and the boy took a gasp of air. The scent of chemicals wafted around him, alien and foreign to his nose and tongue. Yet the oddity left was that...Why couldn't he see anything? He willed himself to say a word, he willed himself to speak. What came out moments later was a hoarse, desperate cry.
"Hello?"
The boy heard himself speak for the first time. Fragile and alone. Vulnerable. Weak. Singled out. No one, or no thing answered him for the first time. This place was so, so far from home.
Access granted.
"Could you repeat that?"
Access granted.
This voice...Was it merely part of his drifting consciousness? Or was it a voice that bothered to talk to him in the dark. No one the boy knew owned this voice, no one except for one person. But she was dead, and he would never see her again. And then, to the boy's surprise, a single white point formed in proximity. The boy reached out in vain to touch it, realizing now that he could finally move. His index finger and the single point met, and a blinding explosion of light and color came from it.
In the swirling matrix of colors, shifting hexagonal patterns, and lines of code streaming in a pale blue, the boy stood still. Flashes and glimpses into other worlds and realms came and went, purely ephemeral. The boy saw things no one else had saw before; Thousands, millions of things, whether they were living, dead, or possibly figments of his imagination. All gone in a single moment. Spinning lights dizzied him as he stumbled forward, his legs weak and exhausted.
The boy outstretched his pale, left palm, and a glowing ring of white circled around his wrist. His name, age, and gender wrapped around the ring, the words and numbers slowly rotating around it.
//Alister Lydall
//Age 15
//Male
Was this the person he had to play? The role, the act that would only go on for so long? Or was it a fragment of him that stayed beyond the first moments he remembered in this void.
Do you accept?
Alister rendered the voice in his head vaguely famine, soft and gentle with traces of earth.
"I accept," Alister exhaled, and his eyes closed.
Welcome to Sonderland.
Alister nearly screamed at the familiarity of the name. This was the land taken away from him.
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There was a dying forest trying to resurrect itself within the West Winds, with spindly, ancient trees looking like clawed fingers, scuttling creatures meek and passive to the armies that constantly treaded through it. To them, it was only a mere change in time. There were no inhabitants of the forest that people remembered anymore other than in storybooks of the other dimension, Earth. This forest had once been so lush, so beautiful with colored flora and fauna that almost seemed to dance in the eye of the beholder. The past was gone, though, the forest having lived through wildfires and gunshots and the brutality of war. In the forest's border, however, there lived a girl alone. She was used to her surroundings and knew the forest like the back of her hand. Her family had once been remembered, once respected for helping deface the former Queen of the West Wind. They had been hatters.
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Madeira Hattable poured herself a cup of steaming Earl Gray milk tea, dumping the scalding hot liquid down her throat. She smacked her lips. Put her hands on her hips. Flipped a wavy, multicolored pigtail. Grinned at her reflection in the mirror through the satisfying burn. Presentable enough, she thought, and walked over to the door. What the door opened up to was a tall, well-built girl in shades of blue-magenta and purple. Her hair today was long and stick straight, reaching to her waist. Striped but stylish high-high socks covered most of her legs. Two fuzzy cat ears stuck out of the girl's head, and a fluffy tail swished uneasily.
"Oh! Cheshie!" Madeira squealed, embracing her best friend, who only stiffened as a result.
"Don't call me that," the Cheshire Cat grumbled, but hugged her friend back nonetheless. Madeira giggled and pulled the Cheshire Cat's hand into the living room of her suite.
"So what brings you here today?" chirped Madeira, who was pouring tea for Cheskaire. "Because someone's in an unusually bad mood."
"You don't usually have a male Alice look-a-like crashing into your house day by day."
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Hey Manilla! I'm excited to read and review this, so let's just get into it.
Grammar and Syntax:
*all alterations made by me are in bold and I change/add things on when I feel it's needed
You tend to ask questions a lot that are in third person and that is kind of repetitive and at time cliche. You're an amazing storyteller and have a natural talent for writing but I wonder if you could find other way to let the readers get into the characters brain than to asked questions. I mean you could if you wanted write about Alister thinking in first person.
Plot:
This was definitely not what I was expected after reading your prologue but I am not disappointed at all! I'm actually really intrigued and interested in this story you have. It's seems like a VR/video game idea and I love it! It's also really neat that Alister is a boy and not a girl. I don't think I've read an Alice in Wonderland retelling/inspired story where the Alice inspired character is male.
Final Thoughts:
I'm kind of getting anime vibes but maybe that's just me. I'm excited to read more and find out what happens next.
marms
The screaming at the familiarity part will lead to elements to be revealed later in the plot.
Famine = Feminine (haha, typo)
no not anime vibes. o no.Milk tea is just tea and milk. Boba tea is when tapioca bubbles are added to milk tea.
I'll prob go back and add more of an intro for the Madiera-Cheskaire scene. Thanks for your feedback!
Your welcome!
Please feel free to ignore my advice, it is just advice. It is not intended to hurt you or to be mean, it no meant to demine your story or make it seem bad that said . . .
1. What I liked
I love your creativity how you mention darkness at the start of the story is awesome.
2. Flow & Style
Your style was okay but your flow . . .was a bit choppy. You start out by calling him he the boy and him it get's a little odd. Secant you seem to jump into the secant part so quick and it doesn't make sense with the above paragraph. Your ending seemed abrupt far to quick. It doesn't seem complete
2. Character & Character develoupment.
Your characters . . .seem to have little character. Just traces of it. You might want to give them a little more. I think it should really help readers get into it more. There really doesn't seem to be much of a story here either consider fixing that?
3. Overall and encouragement
Great job quite interesting. I am looking forword to this.
Thank you for your review, but I'm curious what parts you didn't like and why.
Did it come out as though I didn't like certaint parts? Oh, I didn't intend for it to turn out that way.
The problem was the first part, it was confusing how you constantly referred to Alister as a boy or just use the word him. It was confusing, why not jsut call him Alister?
I also didn't like the secant part because it didn't have anything to do with Alister being in Sonderland your his arriving there, and there didn't seemt to be any point to it at all.
That's all. Hope this didn't offend you.
I didn't call Alister his name in the beginning to invoke suspense and mystery.
The second part would introduce Alister - For he is the male, blond Alice-look-a-like. It would also introduce the two other main characters - Cheskaire and Madeira.
Cool. Very cool.