Play: Getting Back With The Ex
Characters:
Phil – Main character
Nicole – Phil’s ex-girlfriend
Steve – Phil’s skateboarding friend: known him since 6th grade
Nate – same as Steve
Scene 1: Wednesday Morning
Setting: Its Wednesday morning. Kids are just getting off the bus. Steve and Nate are waiting for Phil to get off the bus.
Phil: Hey guys, how’s it going?
Steve: Dude, what happened?
Phil: What are you talking about?
Nate: You know, you and Nicole
Phil: How do you guys know about that? It just happened last night?
Nate: It’s going around school that you and Nicole broke up. Oh here comes Nicole.
(Nicole walks in and sees the guys and walks towards them)
Nicole: Hey guys, what’s up? Oh, hey Phil.
Steve: Hey, Nicole.
Nate: What’s up, Nicole?
Phil: Oh, it’s you.
Nicole: ya it’s me. What are you doing after school?
Phil: Staying after, why
Nicole: Just wondering
Steve: I got to go. I have Ms Bell and, well you get the picture
(Steve nudges Nate)
Nate: Ya umm me too see ya
Phil: See you guys later.
(Nicole laughs)
Phil: What’s so funny?
Nicole: I don’t know why I’m laughing I just feel like laughing
(Bell rings)
Phil: Well I got to go to class. See you at lunch
(Phil and Nicole go to class)
Scene II: Lunch Time
Setting: its 4th lunch. Steve and Nate are waiting for Phil in the cafeteria.
Steve: What’s up with Phil and Nicole?
Nate: What do you mean?
Steve: After they broke up it seems that they have been spending more time together
Nate: What’s wrong with that? At least they’re not fighting like most ex-couple
Steve: Maybe you’re right (whispers to himself) for once
Nate: Hey! I heard that
Steve: whatever
(Phil and Nicole walk into the cafeteria)
Phil: Come on (laughs) Stop it.
Nicole: Why? (laughs) Its fun
Phil: No it’s not fun (tries to look serious but fails)
Nicole: Yes it is fun and you know it is
Phil: Ya I know. Hey can you get me lunch please
Nicole: Ya what do you want
Phil: Umm, a tuna sub
Nicole: Okay
(Phil hands Nicole the money for lunch and she goes to the lunch line as Phil walks over to the guys)
Phil: Hey guys, I was talking to Nicole.
Both: We know, we saw you
(Nicole walks over to Phil and hands him the lunch tray)
Phil: Thanks Nicole. You’re the best
Nicole: You’re welcome and thanks I am the best aren’t I
(Nicole puts her tray down and begins to eat her lunch)
Nicole: Are you guys going to sit down
Nate: Yeah I will
(Nate sits down)
Steve: Can I talk to you Phil? In private.
Phil: yeah sure (looks confused)
Phil: Be right back okay, Nicole
Nicole: Okay
(Steve and Phil walk away from the group to find a place to talk)
Phil: What’s wrong Steve?
Steve: What’s up with you and Nicole?
Phil: Nothing wrong. She and I are just friends
Steve: That’s what you said before she became your girlfriend
Phil: Don’t worry it won’t happen again. I made a mistake before and I won’t do it again
(Nate walks towards them)
Nate: Is everything all right you two?
Both: Ya everything’s okay.
(the guys go back to the table and go back to eating their lunch)
Nicole: What was that all about?
Phil: Nothing
(Just as the bell rings the guys and Nicole finish their lunch. And go to their next class)
Scene III: On the Bus
Setting: Its after school and the guys and Nicole are on the same bus. But the bus driver isn’t on the bus
Phil: How was last period?
Steve: It was good
Nate: Ya same here
Nicole: Last period was the worst
Steve: Let me guess Ms. Bell had a bad day
Nicole: You guessed right
(the bus driver gets on the bus and starts it)
Phil: What took her so long?
Steve: Who Knows?
(the bus starts to move)
Nate: Finally the bus move
Phil: I know right
(The guys and Nicole talk for about an hour and the bus stops)
Nate: Hey this is my step see you guys tomorrow
Phil: See ya Nate
Steve: Ya see you tomorrow Nate
(Nate gets off the bus along with a few kids and the bus keeps going)
(fifteen minutes later)
Steve: Well this is my stop see you two tomorrow
(the bus stops and Steve gets off the bus)
Nicole: Can I ask you something
Phil: ya what do you want
Nicole: Do you mind if I stay at your house
Phil: No I don’t mind
Nicole: Thanks Phil
Phil: Why do you want to stay at my house?
Nicole: I have homework and I want to spend time with you
Phil: Okay that’s a great idea
Nicole: Cool I cant wait (Nicole kisses Phil)
Phil: (looks stunned) okay
(the bus stops at Phil’s stop
Phil: This is our stop
Scene IV: Phil’s house
Setting: Phil and Nicole are outside Phil’s house
Nicole: Hey I have to call my grandmother before we start doing the homework
Phil: Okay
(Phil opens the door and lets Nicole in)
Nicole: Be right back
Phil: Okay be quick
Nicole: I will
(Nicole runs to the phone and calls her grandmother to tell her that she’s at Phil’s house then hangs up and goes back to where Phil is.)
Nicole: Okay I’m back. Let’s get started with the homework
Phil: That was fast.
Nicole: It doesn’t take me long.
Phil: Yeah I know so lets get started on the homework. What do you have?
Nicole: I have Math and English.
Phil: Same here.
Nicole: Cool that will make it easier.
Phil: Ya it will.
(they spend 1 hour doing homework)
Phil: Well that’s it. We’re done with homework.
Nicole: Ya we’re finally done (laughs)
Phil: My hands are numb. (shaking his hands and laughing)
Nicole: Same here.
Phil: Well what do you want to do?
Nicole: Hey why do we go back out?
Phil: We can but the guys can never know.
Nicole: Okay I’m fine with that.
Phil: Cool
Nicole: But you have to ask me to be your girlfriend
Phil: Okay will you be my girlfriend?
Nicole: Okay but I get to be the girlfriend (laughs)
Phil: Cool
THE END
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Well Suzanne covered most of my thoughts...I thought it was wayyyyy too short.
I could kind of see it being like an episode for a show on the Disney Channel though...which is not necessarily a bad thing! They need writers for those shows, too.
True that.
I have this little thing, I don't crit submissions made by people who haven't fulfilled the 1:2 crit rule, or close enough.
*placeholder for guaranteed crit as soon as you make 2 critiques*
Apparently Suzie covered most of the grammatical mistakes. I like to write scripts, too, and you did well. No over-description that a lot of novice script writers write, just basic setting and characters.
But your characters seemed a little unnatural to me. Every time you had characters talk at the same time was unrealistic. They could talk at the same time, but honestly, what are the odds that they'll say the exact same thing at the exact same time? Each character here has their own unique personality that you have to keep in mind.
That's another thing: it seemed to me that instead of writing what your characters would say and do, you wrote what need to be said and done. A common mistake with any writer. Get to know your characters a little more, and rewrite. I know rewriting sounds tedious--something that I've always feared myself--but this sounds like a first draft to me, and you don't turn a first draft into a final draft on the same page.
I like the idea, though. You did good!
First, I would like to welcome you to YWS. If you have any questions, or need help with something, feel free to PM me. Keep in mind that YWS has a 1:2 post-critique ratio, which means that for every one thing you post, you should critique two. Which means you need to go critique two things. ^_~
Your style of script writing scratches me the wrong way, so I'm going to clean it up (how I like it, which is the usual style I have seen). I'll also mark a few things within the quote.
As you can tell by all the red scattered about, you forgot about capitalization and punctuation in several places. A lazy writer is annoying. Why should I put my effort into editing something for you if you put no effort into writing it?
I won't go into the other scenes; I'm sure they're just as problematic as this one. Playwriting is difficult if you aren't good at dialogue. The whole scene revolves around dialogue, which means it has to be good dialogue, and the conflict has to come out through the dialogue. In this first scene, what happened? From what I read, honestly, I don't know. In fact, it is way to short to be a scene. I wrote a one act place (10 to 15 minutes) and it was a lot longer than this. The lack of conflict, characterization, or a problem is what really gets me. Without the title, I would have no idea what is going on... Your dialogue is just there to be there, and nothing is happening. Think of it like any story, you need to introduce a conflict as soon as possible, and you need to work at it through the dialogue.
I suggest that if you haven't read plays, you should start reading some. That was the only way I learned how to write a play, other than my experience with fiction. I do not know who I could suggest to you. I have read plays by Oscar Wilde, The Doll House by Henrik Ibsen, Dr. Faustus by Marlow (Although, that was hard for me even, so I would say avoid it, haha). And if you are really curious about how to write a play, I have this book called The Playwright's Handbook by Pike and Dunn. You might want to consider picking it up. For me, it was all obvious, because it was the exact same things I did for fiction writing, but for someone who is struggling with the basics of the story as well, it might be helpful.
I hate suggesting my own work to people; I feel like I am pretentious. But if you would like a quick read of a play, to see what one is like, I have my play Flowers for the Wake on the site. It is short, and good, which isn't coming from my mouth, but from those who have read and watch it. The play was produced by my high school's theater troupe late November. ^_~ Everyone loved it.
Best of luck with your playwriting! Again, if you have any questions about YWS or about anything I said in this critique, feel free to PM me.
Not a writing activity.
* Moved to Scripts *
umm, i think this should be in "Other Fiction" or something...
*waves for a mod*