Published August 2, 2009
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141,295 Literary Works • 674,334 Reviews
Hmmm I really like this poem, I felt like I coul relate, I also liked the rythm but unfortunately you lost it in the last paragraph. I like the words you chose and the fact that the doll is a metaphore, well done! I loved the start but some words didn't fit, but when I carried on reading it fitted perfectly!
TAKE OUT THE RHYMING!
Nah, just kidding.
Actually, it's really not that bad. I like how you used the doll to represent girls in general. Plus, the rhyming scheme wasn't completely ridiculous... I wasn't bothered at all. Which is good, considering that I am an evil poetry critic of YWS.
Several suggestions:
--> Describe how the girl is played with! When I read that boys liked to play with her, I wondered, "How?" Because, in my experience, boys tend to torture dolls, and it would be interesting to see how you described how they played. That way, we get an idea of who this doll really represents as opposed to just a vague notion.
--> In one part, you talk about how she is played with by everybody and then you have her sitting on this shelf. What happened in between? It's confusing, so you should describe how she became everyone's favorite doll to the discarded doll, if that is indeed what happens.
Anyway, those are my main comments. That's one of the better poems I've seen on YWS, so I'm totally giving you a star, but make sure an edit it so that it becomes even better, eh?
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!