Published January 12, 2007
Each time I thought, "I love you,"
A star joined the night sky.
So gaze above and think about
your affection's alibi.
Each time I craved to hold you,
I was the breeze that would embrace.
So question why the wind has gone
and left without a trace.
Each time I saw the rain fall,
I'd beg the clouds to part.
So wonder why you feel
a constant storm within your heart.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,399 Literary Works • 674,390 Reviews
It doesn't flow properly. You're trying to use parallelism to achieve a fluid effect, which is good, but your words aren't going along. This is because of word choice.
So...
Each time I thought, "I love you,"
A star joined the night sky.
So when you write poetry, it has to lull. When I read this out loud it looks like this (as far as voice goes)
strong weak strong weak strong weak strong
strong strong weak weak strong strong
That probably looks like gibberish, but actually, it's where the stresses are pretty much put. A stress is mostly words. What words sound strong? In other places, time might stand out, but between "each" and "I," the word "time" doesn't really stick out, so it's good. So it has to do partly by the sound it makes and partly where it's place.
That's a very very brief synopsis, and probably bad at that, so ask Incandescence or backgroundbob for more information, if you want it. ^_^
For me, especially in rhyming poetry, I want to have a seesaw effect where it goes up and down a lot. The first line does this to some extent, but it's the second line that kills it for me. It has all these strong words smushed together in the front with a weak ending.
So look at the poem and figure out what words you want to emphasize and what words you want to hide away, and then write it as such. At the moment, the rhythm is killing it though.
Aw, would more people please comment this one? I have a feeling it's a little too corny ... I need help.
Ah, thank you! And yes, I completely agree. I'll make that correction. =]
This is so beautiful in it's simplicity! The only thing I would change though, is move the "a constant" (3rd stanza, third line) to the beginning of the fourth line. It adds more structure and rythm, don't you think? =)
Take care,