I want to be a fag in stitches
Laughing at all the straight mistakes.
I want to be a linebacker on ice
Carving out delicate figure eights.
I want to be a diseased doctor
On my last leg while I stitch another.
I want to be an adorable killer
Victims pinching my cheeks as they're smothered.
I want to be a filthy health inspector
with a germ-studded handshake that nobody checks.
I want to be what no one expects.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Truthfully, this wasn't funny at all. It wasn't exactly boring but it wasn't exactly grappeling.
The only funny part is paragraph four: 'I want to be an adorable killer; Victims pinching my cheeks as they're smothered' It wasn't really funny after that.
It was 'Okay' in the humor genre, if I had to rate it 1-10 it's a 3
Sorry.
I was kind of bored, but I did understand the humor. Frankly if it was longer after the last 2 paragraphs I wouldn't of read it.
Now don't be offended, take my criticism a change to prove me wrong.
Time for tips:
-Try to add a little more humor.
-Write, write, write. Practice makes perfect.
Also I don't get the first paragraph; 'I want to be a fag in stiches, laughing at all the straight mistakes?' That makes no sense at all.
Despite that, there are no grammar or punctual mistakes that need fixing.
Keep trying, don't give up yet.
I hope you consider my advice.
Sincerely, @ScarletDreams14
Writer, Artist, Student and Reader
Hi, J.C. here for a review!
This poem was impressively retarded. Which is a good thing. In my house, we use the word "retarded" as a satirical compliment. Trust me, it's a compliment
Okay, I'm not quite sure what these lines mean. The rest paint easy pictures, but this one eludes me. Probably because I'm Home Schooled.
I found this description hysterical because I can relate to it completely. I've played linebacker in HS football for three years, and I enjoy ice skating during the winter at our lake. Not to say I'm "delicate" with my figure eights, but the whole scene is funny.
Creepy. This would make a great book or movie, though.
I agree with Strange below, this is a needed part of the poem, even in it's simplicity. That is, if the title of the poem wasn't what it is. Really, it's such a simple thing, but I feel you should pick one or the other and omit the one or the other so that it's not repetitive.
But over all, well done. It's rare that I actually laugh at something I read, so good job!
Thank you lyssiekins!
#TheFaultInOurReviews
Hey, yo, lyssiekins! Strange here on this fantastic Review Day and I have a review for you!
This was, clever? Is that the correct word? I can't say another word. This feels a lot like a subliminal motivational poem, but that's just me. See, it's kind of generic. Kind of. A diseased doctor? An adorable killer? Not generic.
This is the line that's generic.
[quote] I want to be what no one expects.[/quote}
Though it's basically the main theme of this poem, and if you didn't put it you would of left the reader in a confused state, the idea is simple. Sadly, too simple to help out a poem. The idea of this isn't unique at all, I have to admit that. The descriptions? Yes, those are really unique. This is a bright and quirky humor poem. It made me laugh, was weird, and simple and witty. That's what most good humor poems need. You land on most of the punches, just not the theme. I really do want to read more poetry from you, preferably humor, but I want to see how good you do with dramatic poems. Good job on making a weird, and quirky poem, like I say again. I can't say much else, because there isn't that much to say to it. That's all, basically. Just, that. It's just a random poem that has no inner meaning to it, than what it says at the end.
Overall, good job.
Strange gives you...
7.5/10
Good job,
Keep writing,
Stay groovy, my friend.
#TheFaultInOurReviews
hey warlord is here for review.
your concept for this poem was excelent.i cannot imagine any thing more better than this .this is the real humour .
best of luck for your next poem.and i gotta say the poem is the dose of satire and humour which no one expected.
Sorry to say this but Warlord, your grammar and punctuation is a bit off.
The first letter of each sentence needs to be capitalized. Here I'll fix it for you.
Hey warlord is here for review!
Your concept for this poem was excellent I cannot imagine any thing more better than this. This is real humor.
Best of luck for your next poem and I gotta say, the poem is the dose of satire and humor which no one expected.
I just wanted to point that out ^^
Sorry to say this but Warlord, your grammar and punctuation is a bit off.
The first letter of each sentence needs to be capitalized. Here I'll fix it for you.
Hey warlord is here for review!
Your concept for this poem was excellent I cannot imagine any thing more better than this. This is real humor.
Best of luck for your next poem and I gotta say, the poem is the dose of satire and humor which no one expected.
I just wanted to point that out ^^