your thin fingers cradle themselves
with the warm glow of an ember
the musk of cigarettes
a sweet bonfire
friendly toothed and sharp jawed
i wish so badly to be good enough for you
is the light behind your eyes dimming like mine?
maybe i’m just so used to falling all over myself for someone
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141,249 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Hi Luxeterna!
Ah, this is a favorite topic of mine! Making friends outside of childhood is always tinged with a little bit of a different tone. The stakes feel higher, you feel like you have to prove yourself more - but it also feels more exciting than ever before!
Overall, I think this poem is quite strong and I love the structure and imagery you chose. That being said, I think there's a few places where you could tighten some lines up to improve the overall flow.
This is a little abrupt of a start for me, and doesn't quite feel like it fits in with the rest of the poem. I would almost rather start the poem on line two, and potentially nix the starting line or move it later in the poem, whichever feels better to you. If you were to move it later, I would move it to right before the closing line. I think it would be much more impactful and make a little more sense pace wise with the rest of the poem. Plus, that way you start the poem with describing the other person, which is an exciting way to start that draws you right into the scene.
I'd get rid of the bracketed part. Sometimes less is more, and especially if you move line one to sandwich between the final lines, it'll be a more concise ending.
so the end would become
i wish so badly to be good enough for you
is the light behind your eyes dimming like mine?
maybe i'm just so used to falling all over myself for someone
On the topic of your final line, similarly to the starting line, it doesn't feel like the strongest parts of the poem. The meat of the poem is solid, so I'd love to see you draw out the imagery more on either end and see what you come up with. Overall, great poem - evokes strong emotions that are admittedly quite nostalgic for me as someone who is post-undergrad by quite a few years. Keep up the good work, let me know if you have any questions!
I'm really glad that difference between making childhood friends ones outside of my childhood is evoked!!! I actually love these suggestions so much and I think I will absolutely take these edits into consideration
Thank you very much for the awesome review!
I see this as a poem about falling in love with someone who you probably shouldn't be falling in love with. There are the opposing pictures it paints of postive things such as a "warm glow" "sweet" "friendly" and then the desperation of wanting to be good enough for them. and it seems like an unhealthy dynamic as they both have the "light dimming", i see this as a classic thing of people thinking they are "broken" and wanting to find other "broken" people
I really like the juxtaposition of creating an image of things that are both bad and good. like fire, it is warm and glowy but if you get too close you get burned. another similar one is cigarettes, they make you feel good but ultimately are bad for you. my favorite line is "friendly toothed and sharp jawed" at my first read i pictured a monster with large sharp teeth. however, on a second read i saw it as a attrative person with a pretty smile and nice bone structure. it seemed like a kind of violent way to descirbe it and i loved that.
overall i really like this imagery! it seemes like it could be lyrics to a song with the use of the brackets? im not sure but either way, great work!
I love this interpretation you have of it!! It could totally be an angsty falling in love poem lol. AND YAY I'M SO GLAD HOW SHE LOOKS CAME ACROSS WELL!! I was worried that it wouldn't come across as a description of a pretty person but you totally nailed what I was going for :.) Thanks for the review!!!! <3