Published September 9, 2009
Well I wrote this for my Mom. I'm giving it to her for her birthday. Let me know what you think.
I remember the days
of childhood;
I remember them
with a smile.
When a rainbow
was enough
to make the day
worthwhile.
The world to me
was harmless
and filled
with childlike joy.
When life was all about
Barbie dolls,
Beanie babies,
and toys.
But looking back
upon those days,
its not the dolls
I hold in honor.
What I hold dearest
to my heart,
was then and now
being your daughter.
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139,456 Literary Works • 672,567 Reviews
It's adorable! I love it!
There's only one place that seems a bit out of rhythm:
I think it was the italicized "babies," that threw it off; it added an extra beat that doesn't exist in the other lines. But you don't have to change it; the poem is still beautiful, nonetheless.
I'm sure you mom will love this.
This was simple, but really good. I really miss my childhood days as well. Everything was easier back then, like you said. The world seemed much more simple. You were alive, and the world was yours to explore. There was no pressure to succeed by mankind's terms, no stress, just an imagination, a willingness to learn and explore. I feel like you touched on these subjects very well in your poem, and I hope you keep writing more stuff like it.
.
Oooo! That's a great idea, writing a poem for mom.
The main thing I would tweak would probably be these lines, and that's mostly because they don't actually have to do with her but rather they're saying, "At the time, I paid more attention to these than you." Which is probably true and whatever, but it takes a huge chunk of the poem, and you probably want to focus more on her and what she means to you.
Best of luck! I'm sure your mom will love it.
Hello, I'm Vernon and I'll be your reviewer, I understand this is personal, but I seriously wish you hadn't post this on here, kept it for a blog or something, because I have to review and your poem lacks reviews. For the above reasons very likely.
To begin, this poem, is empty of substance, you lack anything to pull it together, to give it purpose, right now it's just some words mentioning nostaligia and ending with how you love your Mum. I've no problem with this, I have a problem with your execution on this. First point I consider important in poetry is to avoid generic rhymes, because in most cases it greatly diminishes the poem appeal. Another point 'Show don't tell' you see this everywhere on YWS you should show us, make us feel the love for your Mother.
To explain this, I suggest using the senses here, the smells you remember, the noises, everything. A good poet you might consider reading is Carol Anne Duffy, I believe you could learn a lot from her poetry.
Goodluck
VSN
I love it! If only I could write poetry, I would be proud to give my mother something like that! My only suggestion is to make it run better by changing:
The world to me
was harmless
and filled
with childlike joy.
When life was all about
Barbie dolls,
Beanie babies,
and toys.
TO:
The world to me
was harmless,
and filled with
childlike joy.
When life was all
about Barbies,
Beanie babies,
and toys.
Anyways, I love it!