Published July 29, 2011
A/N: Rated 16+ for implied drug use, subject matter, language, etc.
She’s fifteen years old. She's tall, thin, pretty and stylish. She has a suitcase packed to the top with designer clothes and hair products and makeup and the latest magazines. She has the perfect plan.
She’s looking both ways as she cracks her door open. There's a one-way ticket to New York City in her pocket, threatening to burn through it at any moment. It's safe in the hallway, so she drags the suitcase across the rug, one eye shut tightly and covered with concealer. Her pace slows as she passes her parents’ bedroom, and she hears their soft breathing through the door. When she opens the front door, she lifts up her suitcase over the threshold and slips out silently. She doesn’t look back.
Her name is Emma, and she’s going to be a model.
--
The station is small and easy to navigate, and she has no trouble finding her way. Her dream has always only been hours away, but her parents made her wait months. She drags her luggage onto the train and throws it into the compartment. She sits beside a young woman, but she says nothing to her. When the ticket collector comes, she’s staring out at the gray sky. After she hands him the stub, she closes her eyes, letting sleep take her the rest of the way.
She’s going to be a model.
--
The city is loud and dirty and cold—not what Emma expected. She’s looking for the bright lights, the smiling faces, the models and actresses walking down every street. She can’t find them anywhere. Maybe I’m just in a bad neighborhood, she tells herself as she walks around aimlessly. The sunshine will come soon.
Wind tosses her hair back and forth as she sits down in front of an abandoned building. She sets her luggage beside her and wraps her arms around herself to chase off the chill, but it finds her anyway.
She’s going to be a model.
--
She meets him. His hair is greasy and his shirt is wrinkled, but he has a great smile, and when he reaches his hand out to her, it’s warm. He reminds her of her father.
“Hey, you look tired,” he says, practically shouting. He gently guides her to the side, out of the unhappy mob. She nods, looking up at him warily. “Why don’t I buy you some coffee? There’s a nice place two blocks over.”
She smiles at him. She thinks that maybe two blocks over is just what she’s been searching for, so she follows him. She doesn’t know there’s a catch.
She’s going to be a model.
--
Her bare legs are trembling as she dials the number. He’s sleeping on the bed that now reeks of sex, snoring loudly—he seems to do everything at a higher volume. The phone rings, and she clenches her eyes shut, hoping he doesn’t stir.
It rings.
And it rings.
And it rings.
And it rings.
There’s no answer.
She leans against the bed and dials again. It rings four times, and then it’s quiet again. She hasn’t bitten her nails since she was seven years old, but she’s biting them now, chipping her blue nail polish away. She dials again and waits. Nothing. Standing up again, she runs her shaky fingers through her hair and exhales slowly. Then she dials again. Still, no one answers.
She puts the phone back on the receiver, her face devoid of any expression. Her knees buckle, and she sits on the floor, staring at the wall until he wakes up.
She’s going to be a model.
--
She’s sixteen years old. He takes her to clubs, parties and dark alleys. He shows her nose candy and yellow sunshine.
Nose candy makes her feel so happy and free, makes her feel like she can still be a model if she just finds a good agency. She doesn’t mind making him happy after she gets her fix, either.
Yellow sunshine takes her to faraway lands like the real New York City, Paris, Tokyo, wherever she wants to go. The world is breathing beneath her and she feels truly alive. Even when she closes her eyes, everything is sparkling and magical and hers—whoever she is at that moment, because now she’s always changing. She forgets he is even there sometimes, because the music is so loud and the colors are so bright.
She’s going to be something, but she just can’t remember what.
--
He's mad at her. She’s been a bad girl. She stole some of his precious nose candy. She knows what he’s going to do when he finds her. He won't be the first to hit her. She writes a letter, because there’s pen and paper on the table and she needs to do something while she waits.
Leia,
I’m somewhere magical. Went to New York City, but I’m not there anymore. Sorry I didn't say goodbye. My body's floating off. He is gonna be here soon. I think I'm a bit afraid. I don’t know. I'm not a model. But that's OK. Do you know that there’s Sunshine everywhere here? I want to eat something really big but the fridge is empty! And blue-blue. And red-red. It’s all really deep and I wanna Dive in but the walls get in the way. More bruises, but it just replaces the old ones. There's music too. I miss you. I’m really afraid. I wish I could sleep for a bit. The lights aren’t as bright as before, and the colors getting super thin, just like me. I can’t get enough to fill up anymore. I bet the agency will call anytime now. If they don’t, I'll just die. I’ve been thinking about that a lot. Like, maybe everything’s sweeter when it’s dark. What's it like to be dead? Do you remember when we hid under the blankets and told ghost stories? I feel like I’m a ghost right now. It’s so loud. I’ve always got goose bumps. Do ghosts get goose bumps? I remember so many things, but I don’t like most of them. I miss you, Leia. Why don’t you come visit me? I’ll show you sunshine. It’s yellow.
Love,
Emma
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137,545 Literary Works • 672,042 Reviews
That was SO good. Oh my god, I could feel the excitement and nervous energy and blind, jittery happiness. Wow. It flowed reallyyyy well. I loved the part that goes "she's going to be something, but she can't remember what." But I think, just for the very first paragraphs, that you should specify things more, just because some things seem a little random, but it works for the rest. Great job!
Hi!
I really liked this. It was very meaningful, and I liked the vague, detached tone and the rhythm. The repetition of "she's going to be a model" is good because it really hits hard when she forgets it. That being said, having it at the end of each section did get a bit repetitious, and not in a good way. I like the repetition, but it did get a bit much. I think you could probably fix this by making the sections longer, so the repetitions aren't so close together and therefore jarring.
I don't think the bolded bit flows very well. It adds some foreshadowing, but I don't think you need it because when a girl meets a man in a big city who offers to take her home, we don't need the foreshadowing because we know it's going to end in tears. The bolded bit makes it too much. Saying he looks like her father is good, because it gives her a reason to trust him and the outcome even more horrible.
Who is she calling? I'd have thought she'd have called the police, and I'm thinking it's common policy for the police to pick up when someone calls them.
I think you should nix this. That way, ending on her name, it reminds us of the beginning when you tell us her name, and it gives a sense of real despair as we remember how far she's come since the beginning of the story.
I hope this helped! PM me if you have any questions.
-twit
Hello,
I'm going to be harsh because harsh is honest, and that's how we learn.
This is pretty good, I seldom read through an entire piece on YWS in one go. But, I did. So you have done something right. That being said, you have done somethings wrong as well.
Let us begin!
Not a bad start. The second sentence, despite being deliberate, is still a little distracting. You can flair up your writing with unique repetition etc. but you can also lose the attention of readers with pointless dragged out sentences.
There's so many ways to say what you have said:
She's tall, thin, pretty and she's stylish.
She's tall and thin, she's pretty and stylish.
She's tall, thin, pretty and stylish.
They all serve a purpose and I think you have got it wrong using this repetition so early. Then again, it isn't imperative - just a little distracting.
No she doesn't. Or maybe she does, but in my experience you give the ticket then take the train? It doesn't matter, we will assume that she doesn't evade ticket fares, you don't need to say it.The luggage description is pointless to as we are already aware she has a suitcase. You can do one of two things here:
or
See the difference? If you want to be succinct and stick to this concision, that rings through this entire piece use the first one. If the details of her past life matter, for example the setting, the weather, the station outside, the train, the seat, the luggage, the ticket collector, if these things matter lace them into the text with description. If not get rid of them altogether. You need to know what is important to your story. And anything excess should be scrapped.
This is good, much better.
I don't like heavy I'm not sure if it works here. Leave it if you must, I'm just not sure what it refers to? I don't know if a city can be heavy?
We expect models to be glamorous.
That doesn't need to be there. I don't think it adds anything, we know she's worried, reluctant.
Are you making a statement about him? Is that why you insist on using caps? It appears either amateur or innovative, I'm leaning towards amateur - simply because it's very distracting. Him, His, He, He, He, his, He. Why leave just one pronoun un-capitalized? But you see how distracting that is, we know he is significant because he is the only other person to be mentioned.
This is very creepy, it's quite unrealistic too. It's almost as though you couldn't think of a way to make them quickly meet and move in together? I don't know I'm not a girl, but I don't think any girl is that naive or that silly. I may be wrong though. I think you should have him offer to get her a coffee, then from there he can offer her a place to stay "until she gets set up" or something like that.
him, Him - why? seriously I won't mention this again but if you want to make a point about him by using caps atleast be consistent. Maybe it's just an error, I'm not sure. Good foreshadowing otherwise there's a catch
again and again and again. Seriously? I know it's your style but seriously. Have her ring, chew her nails on the edge of the bed, ring, wait five minutes, ring. Break it up because no one keeps ringing over and over, do they?
Other than that I love this here. You make us wonder about who she is desperately trying to get hold of.
So she manically dials without doing anything between calls, then she gives up and doesn't call again? It's inconsistent. If you break up the ringing with some sitting, pacing around the room, biting nails, twiddling thumbs - then we know that a certain amount of time has passed and she has tried to contact her friend over a period of time. Because at the moment it appears as though in a frenzy she dialled. hung up, dialed, hung up and so on then stopped and forgot about it - which is unreasonable. Either have her ring once and maybe call back in case her friend missed it. Or break it up.
Should be a comma after 'and'
Here you switch point of view quite suddenly. Stick with her point of view. What I mean is talk about how things directly affect her, her take on what's happening.
'And He is always happy that she wants more of Him after she gets her fix.'
should read:
'She didn't mind making him happy after she got her fix.'
or something like that. You see the difference I'm sure.
This is good. I would remove the word 'trips,' its obvious which drug you elude to and trips is a little confusing, it was for me anyway. Its like is she taking trips or does she believe she has gone to these places or? I think I got it in the end but other then that this reads like a genuine experience, well done.
I like this. It's refreshing after you have rammed home the idea that she is determined to become a model and now she's confused.
This is where it get's really unrealistic. Change yellow sunshine to 'nose candy' and it's fine. Here is the problem. People get upset about Cocaine because it is expensive and sought after and you can do a lot over a short period of time. Acid not so much. You can't recreationally take enough acid to warrant such attention from your supplier. So if you want her to be in big trouble have her take some and spill it, or share it or go on a bender. Also, people get addicted to blow, nobody get's addicted to acid.
The letter is perfect. The only other thing is the last line
Still? It's fine as is but it's just as effective to end with the good bye.
This is good. It's great, infact. I wasn't a huge fan of the voice it was told in and, other than a couple of factual errors, this is reasonably seamless. If you can provide us with a little more insight into how she left, and why she couldn't say good bye I think this will move from great to excellent.
Well done.
I loved this story. It was one of those stories that kept me engaged despite my short attention span =P
The story flowed very well. I liked how you used one line to link each part to the next. I always seem to like that =)
I thought the story also had a great theme and progressed through her life at a good pace- the gaps in time making me want to continue on rather than making me ask myself 'what just happened?'
I like how the start of the story hints towards her innocence, but at the same time, her great determination as well as her shallow view of the world and seeing how much changed from the day she left and how her greatest dream had faded away.
I didn't find any mistakes in it, but I am not very good at proofreading my own work, so I wouldn't call my word reliable. I really REALLY enjoyed reading this and honestly, I don't have anything to add in terms of criticism. I think it's well-written and nothing I could say or offer you would probably help because it would just be me looking endlessly for something to pick on =P. Overall, a brilliant piece of work in my opinion =)
I liked it!
Its always like that, what you thought you would see isn't always what you should expect. Keep writing.
Excellant! Loved the rhytmic flow of everything, it made the story really enjoyable and easy to read. This really evoked emotion from me, not really sure why, I think it was the message at the end
Anyway, good work and please keep writing!