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Thank you so much, ash for your two reviews!! You're too sweet to take all that time on this piece of work, so thank you (:
hehe. I'm glad you prefered the re-write (it took me all day =P ) and just thank you again for your awesome reviews - I just can't get enough of them!! 
Also, thanks for your two great reviews, they'll definitely come in very helpful. And, haha, I'm kinda good at the whole mind reading thing
--Lucyy xx
Sorry, luc, about the previous review. I loaded it today, edited it, and returned to find out that you had already corrected it.
So I guess just read through the above one, take the things I said into account and turn to this one for specifics 
This transition is abrupt and kind of choppy. Maybe try: The black doorway appeared unexpectedly in front of me. I had been too consumed with my thoughts to pay attention to where I was going, and I had no recollection of even reaching the steps. My senses were all attuned to that wondrous scent awaiting inside. or something like that.
I know what you mean about her wanting the scent to fill her nose fully… yet I find this kind of worded funny. Part of me loves this sentence, thinks it beautifully written, and the other side thinks that you could use some rewording. I guess I leave this up to you.
This is a really long sentence, yet I love every bit of it. So not to change any of it, just change the semicolon after darkness to a period and you’ll be good
Also, this is quite funny, because I mentioned a lot about your previous draft and how I thought you should go into more detail here. You fixed everything before I even got a chance to comment on them
Like I mentioned in my previous post, I said that the second sentence is not needed because the reader can understand as much from the first statement.
~ ~ ~ ~
I definitely enjoyed this rewrite a whole lot better. You added a lot more depth and insight to your story and gave it its own individual fingerprint, making it an original piece.
Nice work, luc!
Well, I just realized that you have edited like the entire thing so I decided to post this useless review anyway and get working on the next one. Sorry about this
Hey, luc! Gosh, I must seriously be working at a glacial pace because it took me forever to finally finish editing this. I think it might just me being slow
Anyway, hopefully I am forgiven for imitating a turtle lately and I see that you have a lot of reviews on this so I might not be much of help but I’ll try my best
I’m not the best with the actually structure with things but that colon after “silence” caught my eye right away and kind of stuck out. I’m not sure but I think a period would work a whole lot better and make a greater impact in the whole atmosphere/feel that you have created.
This is really choppy. I would combine these two sentences like so: I was curious as to how I got here for I had no memory or recollection of how I ended up here.
Also, I would work on elaborating more on her lapse in memory. Does this worry her? Or is she nonchalant about it? Explain
Okay, a few things here. First, she says that she holds up her hand then she drops it. That transition is really rough. Maybe try: …my alabaster hand outstretched. Then, my hand fell limply to my side, suddenly baffled for no particular reason. or something like that.
Also, you have that colon thing in there. I would only use colons when you are continuing with an explanation of something. Instead of a colon here, I would either use a plain period or a semicolon.
You use “screaming” quite a bit up till here. I would use something else just to vary it up
Wow, what a description you have, Luc!
First, I’m not sure I favor “creaming” here. I think you mean it in a way like “oozing” or something right? If not, I would just try to really figure out what you are trying to bring across and then find an appropriate word. And if “creaming” is it, keep it! I think part of my disfavor for it is that I’m not sure what you description is trying to tell the reader here. I get that the landing is giving off a creepy unknown feeling but that’s it. Is the feeling as if she is stepping onto protected bury grounds where she fears ghosts of her past to haunt her? Or is it more of a quiet atmosphere, where it feels like this house has been vacant for years? Either way, you need to figure out where you want the atmosphere to go from here
Okay, if she could smell the scent from below, wouldn’t she be able to pinpoint exactly where it was the closer she got? I’m guessing that she is a vampire, and if I’m wrong, ignore this comment, but I would just be aware that you have to capture the essence of your character while also setting the pace and scenery. But I know you can do all that, luc. I’m just being overly critical today for no apparent reason, so I apologize
Yes, I’m making another overly critical statement, but I think the reader can understand the human’s frightened just by the heartbeat comment. I don’t think the next statement that follows it is needed. Just a suggestion, I guess.
I really enjoy this ending statement. Nobody ever zeroes in on vampire’s feelings when it comes to feeding. They never go on the other side as you have (at least from the few work I have read about this subject
~ ~ ~ ~
Well, I found it enjoyable, as all your work is, luc
Watch your “LY” words. I noticed more than usual that you use them in abundance. They are okay used in minimum throughout the whole piece, but it sounded to me like it was every other word. I would cut down on that and you’ll be good.
Oh, and just be careful at the end how quickly the vampire was curious about the human and the next it turned into an emotionless droid, sucking the poor girl dry. Just make sure to keep the character real and 3D.
Good Luck with the continuation of this!
Ok; I'm not going to do all the tab things at the bottom characterization. narrative voice Grammar etc instead I'll just go through it as it comes
It was really good to begin with, now it's incredible 
I have to say Lucyy, it's so, so, so much better now
------------------------
Why did he send me here? Frustration and uncertainty filled my every bone. I love this so much more as an opening sentence. It works much better.
Is it some kind of test? I discarded this thought away as soon as it surfaced in my jumbled brain; he would never choose to test me this way – it was inhumane. Sighing, I looked up at the neglected house. Shivers tingled down my spine as I studied the decaying walls; the spindly ivy that clung desperately to the crumbling bricks; the two storeys of grimy windows were like disapproving eyes peering down at me.I have to say, this is so much better. The imagery is beautiful and it just feels right. Parfait
A gust of wind suddenly whipped my slimy strands of hair around my face. I froze where I stood: a glorious smell assaulted my nostrils and had my reluctant body moving back towards the imposing, ancient manor. moent I forgot everything: what brought me to this house and why I was there – I could no longer remember. All that mattered to me now was the tormenting scent. This paragraph, again, works so much better than the first draft. Really, it does
As I approached the rusted metal gate, I slowed my footsteps and brushed my fingertips lightly over the edges before pushing it impatiently out of my way. I had to get closer to the derelict house and that smell.
The black doorway was unexpectedly in front of me. I didn’t know how I arrived there. I had no time to retrace my steps. Cautiously, I walked up the stone steps and stood in front of the wooden door; inky black paint peeled away at the edges from years of being neglected and ravaged by storms. I willed my ivory hand towards the door, but my palm refused to obey me. Instead, it stayed limp at my side: I didn’t know what to do. Was the door open?
Decisively, my eager hands pushed with all their force upon the brittle wooden door. It fell to the floor with a resounding crash. A loud shriek emitted from somewhere above me; it grated on my ears and had my misted breaths and frantic pulse racing. I stepped into the house and my bare toes curled in protest at being placed on the cold stone floor. Inquisitively, I tilted my head towards the sound of the high-pitched screaming. It intrigued me. No sooner had I took a step further into the dark hallway that the squealing stopped abruptly. Frowning, I wondered why it had stopped. The silence was pressing down upon me; I had to find the source of that shrill noise.
I looked towards the staircase, robed in majesty, dark mahogany banisters twisting upwards and into the unknown. I took three delicate steps towards it, feeling the moistness in the air wrap around me like sodden robes. That delectable scent strengthened as I neared the scarlet carpeted stairway; it made my desiccated mouth water and my steps quicken. My nostrils were itching to be quenched. Woah! So much better than the last, seriously, so
My steps were tentative as I made my way up into the gloominess, my toes relishing the feel of the luxuriously carpeted stairs. I came to an immediate halt on the top step. I could no longer see beyond the tip of my nose. Involuntarily, I squinted slightly to see in the shadowy darkness; the gloomy landing looked as though it had hidden years of secrets – I was almost waiting for a pallid ghost to glide across before me and slide nonchalantly through one of the three closed doors that lay in front of me. As I took a closer look, I saw that all three doors were scorched, as though they had suffered from hot flames licking away at them. Not for the first time, I wondered how this house could still be standing. But now it was not important: all other thoughts washed away as I rapidly smelt upon the enticing scent thick in the air. I looked frantically upon the blocked doors in front of me, taunting me. Which one should I go into? I walked warily towards the door straight in front of me, the scent in the air urging me on. I was now in front of the door. My trembling hands grasped uncertainly upon the brass doorknob. I turned it. It was unlocked. Pushing on the blistered wooden door, I crouched defensively, ready to protect myself. The door swung open slowly, as though teasing me. I waited impatiently in the doorway, the delicious smell strong in the air. The door was now fully open.
Something was in the middle of the dimly lit room: it looked like a mangled heap of dishcloths. Puzzled, I moved vigilantly into the room, wanting to inspect the unknown thing laid out ungainly in the middle of the carpeted floor. The heap shifted. Gasping silently, I froze where I stood. Instantaneously, I realised what the mangled heap was: it was a human. To be precise, it was the exact human I had heard screaming. It was easy to divulge; its heartbeat was frantic sounding. The human was frightened.
Walking fully into the room, I strode over to the person cowering on the floor. I placed my frosty fingertips upon its shoulder: she shivered at my icy touch. Her frightened face was looking back at me – her green eyes ablaze with dread. It was as though she knew what I was. Ignoring the terrified expression on her face, my eyes locked on her bare neck and at the thick vein pulsing heavily with blood and adrenaline. The scent was now stronger than ever. Bloodlust took over me and my glacial fingertips grabbed either side of her neck and I bit down into the thick vein. Warm blood gushed into my frozen mouth, thawing it out. One taste wouldn’t be enough. The hot liquid was blistering my mouth: I couldn’t get enough of it.
I felt her body twitch and struggle uselessly beneath me. I tightened my grip on her nonetheless. Soon her weak body was limp – dead. I had drained her, not only of blood but of life as well.
I straightened up and looked at the girl who lay dead in front of me. She was pretty. She looked strangely vulnerable laying there, her thick brown locks in disarray around her heart shaped face.
I turned my back on this haunting image; I would not feel guilty.
As I stood to my feet, wiping my bloody, scarlet fingers down my tattered and ripped clothes, a slight movement caught the corner of my eye. Manically, I flung the door open and gasped at the sight of the disfigured face staring down at me.
----
This was so, so much better than the last version. The description and imagery is perfect. You've just, just got it right. Absolutely right. It flows well, the characters are better developed... everything. Everything is just better. I can't really say much more about it other than well done! It is a hundred million times better than the first.
The first was good.
This is great
-Kirsten xxx
I forgot to say; one of your best factors in this story was the end. It was not what we expected. We didn't know that she was a vampire until the very end, and so this was very effective. I'm glad you did it that way.
-Kirsten xxx
Enjoy! (:
slowly I looked up at the neglected old We need another word for old, old is too simple and boring. house, a nice smell assaulted my nostrils. I like the imagery here, but I'm not so sure about the wording. For one thing nice is another boring word. Another thing; nice is a positive word and neglected is a negative word. They don't go together properly. A nice smell would not 'assault' a nose, would it. As nice is a positive word we need another positive word to say what you want. If a smell was to assault a nose then it would probably be a negative word, wouldn't it? 
I hope you get what I mean 
I was curious as to how I got there. I could not remember. I took a quick step towards the rusted metal gate, brushing my fingertips lightly over the rough edges. I was now impatient, wanting to get closer to the derelict house and the mouth-watering scent that tantalized me. It was too much.
and I pushed with all my force.
Some parts were fantastic though.
Give them quirks. Is there something they love, hate? Observe the world around you to see how people interact, this can be used in your writing.
Make a character sheet. List everything about them, where they were born. When? How long their hair is. Perhaps they have a favourite t-shirt, it's striped? Well list exactly how many stripes it has on it. How big is the space between each stripe? 
Familiarise yourself with them. If you don't know your characters them why expect us to?
Create conversations between your characters and different people. Write their reactions. Work for a long time on this. It can prove extremely helpful.
Keep working on it 
I'm interested to see where this story goes 
------------------------
Silence: I agree. Don't start with silence, it's cliched and doesn't flow nicely with the rest of the story. In fact I don't think you need the word Silence at all. I'd just start with the next line. But you could probably just ignore that advice seeing as I'm not too good a topening sentences
Not even knowing how I got there, I was soon standing in front of the eerie house, my alabaster hand outstretched. My hand fell limply to my side: I didn’t know what to do. Was the door open?
Cautiously, I walked up the stone steps and stood in front of the wooden door; the black paint peeled away at the edges, through months of neglect and storms. Hesitantly, I placed my hand upon the door. It felt fragile under my touch. I pushed on it lightly: it didn’t open. My eager hands placed themselves on the fragile wooden door (the inky paint contrasted strangely with my ivory skin) Personally; I don't think this needs to be in brackets, it's just additional information. Actually, it's good information so we want to know it. Don't shove it away in a bracket, put it out
The foreboding door fell to the floor with a resounding crash. A blood curdling shriek sounded somewhere above me. I stepped into the house, my bare toes curling in protest from the cold stone floor and inquisitively, I titled my head towards the sound of the high-pitched screaming. It intrigued me. The shrill screaming stopped abruptly. Frowning, I wondered why had it stopped? The silence was now pressing down upon me. I needed to find this anonymous Hmm... I don't think you need the word anonymous here, it's kind of redundant. person.
I looked towards the mysterious, majestic staircase twisting precipitously upwards and around into the enigmatic unknown. I took three graceful steps towards the imposing stairway, readily sniffing the scent of the moist air around me. That delectable scent was even stronger here, making my dried out mouth water and my steps quicken. I had to get a taste of that glorious smell.
Darting up the luxuriously carpeted staircase, I came to an immediate halt on the top stair. Involuntarily, I squinted slightly to see in the shadowy darkness. The gloomy landing was sinister looking, creaming out to all that it should not be entered: it should remain untouched.
The enticing scent was now thick in the air around me, taunting me. Frantically, I looked upon the three closed doors in front of me. Which one should I go into? I walked warily towards the middle door opposite me, the scent in the air urging me on. Without warning, I was in front of the door. My trembling hands grasped uncertainly upon the brass doorknob. I turned it. It was unlocked.
Pushing on the blistered wooden door, I crouched defensively, ready to protect myself (if it was needed). The door swung open slowly, as though teasing me. Impatiently, I waited in the doorway, the delicious smell potent in the air. The door was now fully open.
Something was in the centre of the dimly lit and unfurnished room. It looked like a mangled heap of dishcloths. Puzzled, I moved vigilantly into the room, wanting to inspect this unknown thing laid out ungainly on the carpeted floor. The heap shifted.
Gasping silently, I froze where I stood. Instantaneously I realised that the distorted heap was human. To be precise, it was the exact human I had heard screaming. It was easy to divulge; its heartbeat was frantic sounding. The human was frightened. I think that the human was frightened should have a line to itself to add effect. Just a matter of personal preference though.
Walking fully into the room, I strode over to the person cowering on the floor. I placed my frosty fingertips upon its shoulder: she shivered at my icy touch. Her frightened face looked back at me – her emerald green eyes ablaze with dread. It was as though she knew what I was.
Ignoring her terrified expression, my scarlet eyes locked upon her bare neck and the thick vein which pulsed heavily with blood and adrenaline. The scent was now stronger than ever. Bloodlust took over me and my glacial fingertips grabbed either side of her neck. My razor sharp, sparkling white teeth bit down, relishing the thick vein; warm blood gushed into my frozen mouth, thawing it out. One taste wouldn’t be enough. Hot liquid blistered my mouth; I relished the taste of it.
Her body twitched and struggled uselessly beneath me. I tightened my grip on her nonetheless. Soon, her pathetically weak body became limp – dead. I had drained her, not only of blood, but of life as well.
I straightened up and looked at the girl, who lay dead in front of me. She was pretty. She looked strangely vulnerable laying there, her thick brown locks in disarray around her heart shaped face.
I turned my back on the haunting image; I would not feel guilty. It wasn’t my fault I was a vampire. I really love that as a last line.
Description and imagery.
It was good. It was. Just be careful of your word choice and it'll be great
Narrative voice.
I liked it. I liked the way she doubted and questioned herself at times, yet still knew what she was talking about. Writing this in first person was a good decision.
Grammar.
Was very good. There was few mistakes if any. I applaud you for that.
Characterization.
It was considerably good considering how short the piece was. It wasn't very long at all yet you still managed it well. If you're going to go on to write more I reccomend that you produce your characters to a higher extent.
Overall.
It was good
-Kirsten xxx
----
What do you think of this being a prologue/preface?
_________________
Thank you so much for your amazing review - you must have taken ages on it, so I really can't thank you enough for the time spent on this, so thank you
And I know, the thing about brackets, but as this was a previous essay, there were certain punctuation (brackets were one of them) that I just had to use to get a better grade, as in my normal writing I wouldn't really use them. This also goes with the fdescription - the staircase bit was overwhelming, I know, but my teacher told me to put adjectives in there, so I did! =P
I totally agree with working on the background of this story. I should really have worked on this and changed it from being an essay to a piece of a story - which I will get to working on soon as, as I have now made up a plot!!
Thank you again for reading and reviewing this, I'm so going to donate points to you for this amazing review, I really couldn't be more grateful for the effort you have put into this, so thank you
I think that's all, just thank you again
--Lucyy xx
Here as requested, Lucy Goosey.
Don't be put off if I'm harsh, I'm only here to help.
I'm afraid this opening sentence isn't quite doing it for me. The colon is out of place, and besides, 'silence' is a cliched way to start. It's slightly unnerving to begin with a word punctuated with a colon, and I'm not sure it's grammatically correct. Furthermore, you have multiple thoughts in here and there is also a misuse of punctuation. But never fear, for I will correct it!
My Edit: Silence. Slowly, I looked up at the neglected house. A nice smell assaulted my nostrils.
That's the punctuation and the technicalities sorted, but we still need to improve on this a lot. 'Old' and 'nice' are bad words to use in a story because they're really basic and primary-school-ish, they tell you nothing and paint no vivid image for the reader. Show your readers and listeners what you're talking about--help them to experience the imagery of the story. Put in some "sensory" handles.
These are words that describe the things that you hear, see, taste, touch, and smell, so that the reader can identify with their own experience. Give some examples rather than purely mental/intellectual descriptions. For example: "He made a loud sound" versus "He made a loud sound like a hippo eating 100 stale pecan pies with metal teeth". I know, that's way over the top, but hopefully gives you an idea of what figurative language can do.
Get the basic plot and setting figured out. When is it? Is it in the present? The future? The past? More than one? What's the season? Is it cold, hot or mild? Is it stormy? Where is it? Is it in this world? A different world? An alternate universe? What country? City? Province/State? Who is in it? What is their role? Are they good or bad? What is the precipitating incident that made this story happen in the first place? Is there something that happened in the past that could effect what happens in the future?
Opening sentences
Opening sentences are probably the trickiest - for me, a least. An opening sentence needs something to fire the imagination of reader. Make the reader want to know what happens next - something that pulls them into the story. Makes them ask questions - who is this, what's happening, what's going to happen?
You're not really looking for scene setting or establishing character - that comes later. Dramatic openings should try and put you right in the middle of things.
One of the best opening sentences I know is from George Orwell's book '1984':"it was a bright cold day in April and the clocks were striking 13."
There's a great balance to that sentence - the first half seems ordinary and reassuring and then, bang, he hits you with the twist.
Where is there? We need detail, you need to elaborate. All we know is there's some old house with a girl standing outside it. The whole 'how did I get here' scenario has been repeated a lot, so you need to elaborate and make it original. You definitely need more description. Sensory handles I talked about earlier? Embrace them, for they will be your saviours.
This has already been explained in the previous sentence and is slightly redundant because of that.
Seeing as it's rusting, we know it's rough. So nix the 'rough' as it slows the flow of this sentence and makes it rather clunky.
This is all happening so fast. You need to describe the main character's emotions more and give us some background, maybe in the form of flashbacks? Have her go a bit woozy and some random memories flash back to her [in italics, obviously] of why she's here. Mystery is excellent if done smoothly, here it's just too vague.
You must nix the 'not even knowing how I got there' part, because it's honestly killing this sentence. You've repeated again and again that she doesn't know what's going on, so there's no need to drum it in to the reader's head once again. Trust them a bit.
Don't state the house is eerie, show us how it's eerie. Oh and alabaster is a bit eeeurch. I doubt somebody narrating in first person would describe their hand as alabaster, you know? It tends to bbe used in third person by people talking about fair maidens and the like.
Maybe avoid the repetition of 'hand' by using 'arm' or 'it'. And replace the colon with a fullstop, it would give it a lot more effect.
This isn't a bad sentence but I've broken it up for you here to add effect and improve the flow:
Cautiously, I walked up the stone steps and stood in front of the wooden door. Black paint was peeling away at the edges from months of being neglected and ravaged by storms.
You've cluttered this up with too many adverbs; cautiously, hesitantly. I have the same problem so don't worry. Take away either hesitantly or cautiously, they both mean pretty much the same thing so you won't be diluting the effect.
Replace the colon with a semi-colon. Your use of colons seems to be somewhat erratic, it's not that you're using them incorrectly but you're stopping the flow of words rather than smoothening it.
Never, never, use brackets in a story which isn't narrated through diary entries. It stops the reader from taking the story proffessionally at all. The content between brackets was redundant, so I've nixed it. If details don't advance the story, then don't include them. I'm not sure 'eager' is the right word, it's building up entirely the wrong effect. And the repetition of 'fragile' is annoying. I've rewritten this for you, if you don't mind:
Eagerly, I pushed with all my force on the brittle wooden door.
You need to take out 'the foreboding door' because
a) A door can't really be foreboding
b) We've already established that it's the door we're talking about.
So, rephrase: It fell to the floor with a resounding crash.
Shorter, snappier, and moves the action along much better.
Insert 'from' before 'somewhere.' And blood-curdling is way, way overused in horror stories. Replace it with something more original or describe how it was blood-curdling to the narrator. We're not getting enough of her emotions, surely she must be scared, agitated by these noises?
I've rephrased this for some of it didn't make sense and there was a typo of 'tilted': I stepped into the house and my bare toes curled in protest at being placed on the cold stone floor. Inquisitively, I tilted my head towards the sound of the high-pitched screaming.
The uninteded alliteration in this sentence makes it clunky, you really need to rephrase.
The question mark isn't meant to be here.
Firstly, this sentence really doesn't tie in with the previous one, and secondly, how do you know they've established it's a person? It's slightly unnerving that the narrator is suddenly deciding that. You need to make this more gradual, add characterisation.
Eeek. This sentence was way too cluttered up with adjectives and adverbs. Description is a great tool but you need to actually show, rather than telling. Definitely get rid of 'mysterious, majestic.' The alliteration makes it ludicrous and you should show us why it was majestic and mysterious rather than simply telling us this. Describe the staircase, did it have gilt banisters, a golden threaded carpet? Was it mysterious because of its dark, hollow wood or its echoing stairs? You get my drift.
'readily' is redundant, nix it. And I doubt the narrator would describe her own steps as being 'graceful.' That takes all seriousness out of the story so you really need to get rid of it.
A taste of a smell? And you've repeated yourself way to many times; there's so many 'glorious smell', 'delectable scent' one after the other. Rephrase: My nostrils were itching to be quenched.
Stair = step. To avoid the repetition of 'stair'.
And darting is the wrong word to use.
The use of the colon here is actually effective. There's a typo - you said 'creaming' instead of 'screaming.'
Nix 'around me', it'll make the flow a lot better: The enticing scent was now thick in the air, taunting me.
Nix the brackets and their content. Redundant.
Overall comments
As you can see, the final part of this wasn't torn apart, as it actually improved quite a bit. You built up tension a lot better and the description also improved. However, I hated the last line. 'It wasn't my fault that I was a vampire.' It was really chick-lit, if you know what I mean. The rest of this piece was written in a really sophisticated style, with sort of Old English usage and it wasn't really modernised at all, but that last line did not work at all. It was sort of - pathetic. It made the story fall flat, which was definitely not the finale you need.
I
I got confused quite a bit in this. It was too vague, that was your problem. Get the basic plot and setting figured out. When is it? Is it in the present? The future? The past? More than one? What's the season? Is it cold, hot or mild? Is it stormy? Where is it? Is it in this world? A different world? An alternate universe? What country? City? Province/State? Who is in it? What is their role? Are they good or bad? What is the precipitating incident that made this story happen in the first place? Is there something that happened in the past that could effect what happens in the future? Obviously, you don't have to be as specific as all the examples above, as mystery is a key part in this story. But at least describe and elaborate a bit more.
II
You need to describe a lot more, to paint a better visual image.
Effective writing makes you feel almost as if you're 'there'. Look closely at this example from a book I have at hand, and you'll find lots of references to sensory things such as sounds and sights. . Look closely at the writing to detect his methods (you'll be finding out more about these later). Notice how Chatwin gives his reader the sense that he is showing us this woman rather than merely telling us about her; this is a key descriptive skill: show, don't tell! Also, notice that this works because of his use of vivid and original figurative language.
She was waiting for me, a white face behind a dusty window. She smiled, her painted mouth unfurling as a red flag caught in a sudden breeze. Her hair was dyed dark-auburn. Her legs were a Mesopotamia of varicose veins. She still had the tatters of an extraordinary beauty.
She had been making pastry and the grey dough clung to her hands. Her blood-red nails were cracked and chipped.
Now, your turn! Can you imagine a car journey? What might you see, touch, smell, taste and hear?
seen
- Like a fiery red fist, the Ferrari Testarossa punched its way past our ageing Ford Fiesta...
touched
- the open window allowed a cool spring breeze to caress my cheeks...
smelt
- an ancient jalopy of a school bus spluttered along in front of us spewing out nauseous black clouds of exhaust...
tasted
- the bitter taste of the pre-trip travel sickness pill still clung to back of my throat...
[/b]heard [/b]
- the screeching siren of an ambulance forced us to pull in and wait till it passed...
It works, doesn't it? And you can make it work for you. You'll gain a higher grade, too, so it must be worthwhile.
Though don't get too obsessed with lots of detail. Do give detail, but only give enough. It's one thing to say that your eyes are green and seductive, but another to say they are mostly bright green with yellow lines around the pupil and dark forest green specs, and two dark sienna dot sized spots in the lower edges with dark blue/green outlines. Too much detail can be boring and confusing.
III
The characterisation was somewhat weak in this story. I didn't really see the MC's personality coming through at all. You need to describe her emotions at the different events happening in the story, was she indifferent, agitated, perplexed, terrified? Elaborate on her feelings, how she's reacting. Otherwise, your reader will have nothing to empathise with, nothing to engage with. At the end of the story, I didn't feel anything for the main character. I didn't really care about what happened to her. But that can be improved quickly, with work.
Keep a notebook nearby, and write down little details about real people. Does your friend have a strange way of twisting her hair when she's excited? Do you notice how your brother has a comeback for everything? These little details make up the character.
Flesh out your character. If you are developing one very important character, have fun with it! Give your character an entire profile! What is his/her name? Where were they born, and when? Do they wear striped socks or solid ones? Is their hair blue or flame-red? Write down a bunch of these details, even if they may not be necessary for the story.
Show them interacting with different people, seeing the world through their own perspective, having their inner monologues, contradicting themselves(yet make sure these contradictions apply consistently and make sense), changing into different directions, having crises of faiths, justifying themselves, making decisions and taking actions of their own.
IV
Anyway, Lucyy, I really hope this helps you. Sorry for rambling on and being harsh, I only mean to help. This story has potential, and you could do a lot with it if you follow a few of the guidelines I've provided above, and elaborate more. Try to be more provocative with your words, and just take more time with it, it'll work wonders on this piece. If you would like exterior advice, why not try this link on writing a short horror story: Click here
It certainly helped me a lot when I needed to write this for school, and it's concise and fairly clear. You're definitely not a bad writer and I enjoy reading your stuff, so don't get discouraged by anything I say.
Good luck!
-Sarah
Wow, thank you so much for this awesome review - you're such a talented writer - I'm totally overwhelmed by the examples you gave me - just amazing (:
I will take everything into account that you told me - it will all help me so much in all aspects of my writing, so thank you
Wow, I don't know what else to say except thank you for this awesome review - it will really help me out as I start to alter this and make it into a short story, so thank you
By the way, did I say thank you? Oh well, thank you, thank you, thank youuuu
--Lucyy xx
Hey there,
Here's your favour! I had an entire free period to kill when I got your message, so your plea was well-timed!
You brilliantly built up the sense of dread in the opening few paragraphs, through your crisp, short clauses. I love the deft way you used a colon in the first sentence: it was unusual, ambitious and used correctly, I might add! (Too many people don't know when to use a colon and when to use a semi-colon; well done!)
However, the energy with which you started the piece so well started to drain away. You need to stop the pace from slackening, mainly by cutting down on your adjectives and adverbs. Take this paragraph for instance:
"I looked towards the mysterious, majestic staircase twisting precipitously upwards and around into the enigmatic unknown. I took three graceful steps towards the imposing stairway, readily sniffing the scent of the moist air around me. That delectable scent was even stronger here, making my dried out mouth water and my steps quicken. I had to get a taste of that glorious smell."
This paragraph would feel much sharper and "on the ball," so to speak, if you got rid of all the unnecessary dead weight. Only fully describe something if it's pertinent to the story. When you come across an adjective or adverb, see if you can get round using it, like I did in the first sentence below. Pretend you're being fined £10 for each adverb and £20 for each adjective, so budget accordingly. Your revisions might look like this:
"I looked towards the staircase, robed in majesty [1], that twisted upwards and into the unknown. I took three delicate [2] steps towards it [3], feeling the moistness wrap around me like sodden bandages [4]. That delectable [5] scent strengthened as I neared its source [6] ; [7] it made my mouth run dry and my steps quicken. I had to taste it [8]."
I'll explain everything here:
[1]: This is a much stronger image.
[2]: "Delicate" is a better word; "graceful" doesn't emphasise her cautiousness.
[3]: Don't repeat anything if you don't need to!
[4]: The imagery here is more powerful and unusual; I thought the reference to mummies and death seemed appropriate.
[5]: This is a well-placed adjective, so I kept it.
[6]: Using an active phrase instead of "was [adjective]" is much more effective; I'll explain later.
[7]: Semi-colons are cooler! If used correctly, of course.
[8]: Same point as (3).
My edited passage might seem longer, but you can see a difference already. If you have trouble, spend five or ten minutes watching the scene unfolding, like a film. Really take your time searching for the (most important) details to use to capture the mood; if you can do this, your vision will be much clearer and this will come across in your writing.
As I mentioned briefly above, don't use too many 'was/were' sentences - "He was frightened, she was happy" - far from conveying any sense of emotion, these are in fact so emotionally limiting. It is a form of telling: only use it when you really need to move the story along, such as in bridges between scenes:
"He saw the strip of blood red careering towards him. A crimson tide surged through his veins. He felt the weight of the world bursting through the barrier into a wall of wild cheers (lots of showing here)... The moment was delicious." (telling, this moves the reader into the next part of the story)
So, instead of:
"Gasping silently, I froze where I stood. Instantaneously I realised that the distorted heap was human. To be precise, it was the exact human I had heard screaming. It was easy to divulge; its heartbeat was frantic sounding. The human was frightened."
We could have something like:
"Gasping silently, I froze where I stood. The distorted heap began to morph into something I recognised; a human, perhaps? The woman I heard screaming? Her heart pulsed with mine."
The only other major try not to repeat words when you could have either omitted them or stuck in a synonym. My advice: Get a thesaurus! Learn to love it for its true worth. Let's look at this section:
"Not even knowing how I got there, I was soon standing in front of the eerie house, my alabaster hand outstretched. My hand fell limply to my side: I didn’t know what to do. Was the door open?"
You use "hand" twice here; unless you were repeating to achieve a certain effect (which I highly doubt), just a simple substitution sounds better (like the alliteration?):
"I didn't know how I arrived there. I had no time to retrace my steps; the house lay before me, its windows like eerie eyes peering down. I willed my alabaster hand (this is brilliant) towards the door, but my palm refused to obey me. Instead, it stayed limp at my side."
As it stands, this is a great piece of work; it just needs refinement. I hope this helps you achieve the grade you wanted.
Well done!
Gahks
This is my new working project, please help me out!!
--Lucyy xx
Thank you (:
I'm glad you liked it and thanks for reading it!!
--Lucyy xx
This story had a very eerie feel to it. The twist at end is like the glue that ties all the pieces together
Just a notice to everyone who read my story (and hopefully new people?? hehe :p ) that this is my final draft which I got A-A* for. Yayy
:D:D
I want to thank all you awesome people who took your time to read and review this and gave me tips on how I can improve - I love you all!! haha
So, thank you all
--Lucyy xx
Thank you both for your thoughts, they will definitely help in my re-drafting process, so thank you very much
& also thank you for reading this and I'm glad you liked it
Lucyy xx
Hi,
So you have a lot of comments on this and I would personally give you A. I really enjoyed your story and even though there were a couple mistakes it was still well developed and interesting. I wasn't too fond of this sentence:
There can't really be a scream sound, so you could say something like: I heard something that sounded like a blood thrilling scream above me. Or just say: a scream.
I really did enjoy this story and look forward to more of your work.
If you need anything PM me.
Love,
N
This is a totally and completely and amzing story! I love it xD
I would definitely give you an A. The only problems I have with teh story are when you put a : at the end of a few of the sentences. It disrupts the flow of the story in my opinion. Instead either end the sentence and find a way to include the other part or add a comma then include it. I also don't like this sentence: "I heard a scream sound above me." A scream sound? I think we know what a scream sounds like. LOL
Instead either take SOUND out or describe the scream. As in "I heard a blood curdling scream above me."
I really enjoyed your story. It kept me interested and wanting more. I REALLY REALLY REALLY hope you continue writing!
Heyy, just to let all you awesome people who read & reviewed my story the grade I got for this first draft .. it was a B!!
yayy (:
I'm in the process of re-drafting it at the moment and doing all the necessary things I need to do to boost it to an A grade (maybe even an A* d: ).
Thank you for all your reviews, some of what you lovely people said will definitely help with my re-drafting process, so thanks again!!
Lucyy xx
Haha, thank you so much
I'm glad you didn't know she was a vampire until the end, as I had to add in some twist at the end, so I'm glad it worked 
Thank you so much for reading and reviewing this & I'm glad you liked it!!
Yayy!! *dances* hehe d:
Lucyy xx
im an awful nitpicker when it comes to grammar and spelling and such but I shall give you my opinion on the story. Well first of all I love how you described things 'assulting my nostrils' that was a nice use of the word assulting and gave me a nicer picture. I liked how you described the charecters and how you made it seem like at fist this girl we were meeting that was looking at the house was the victem of some thing creepy. But then we found that she was a vampire and she was the one doing this 'haunting' fresh and origional I loved it! Congratz on making a nice un-edward cullen-y story. (a skill I have not yet mastered!)
I will do
Ooooh! Grades = suspense. Let us know how you do.
grimy89098 --
No worries, thank you for pointing it out and also reading this (: I gave it in to my teacher today, so I will hopefully know what grade I got soonish
Thank you so much for reading it & I'm glad you enjoyed it!!
Lucyy xx
i know you didnt want detailed critiques but i just wanted to point this out
try: "and crouched defensively"
sorry, couldn't help myself, thought it could help.
loved the story
then again, im partly disturbed so...
loved the end
-grimy
seeminglymeaningless --
Thank you again for reading this.
Thank you for reading it, and good points, but the point of this story was description, so I didn't pay much attention to the storyline as I normally would. And thank you, I'm gald you liked my imagery & I would be extremely happy if I got those grades
thatannagirl --
I'm glad you enjoyed reading this
Lucyy xx
Oh my goodness! You're right!
Besides the fact that it was obvious that the main character was a vampire, that a beautiful girl is alone in a building that is all but falling apart, that she screamed for no apparent reason. . .
This story was alright.
Imagery was fantastic in the beginning, though it fell short towards the end - understandable, considering the 600 word limit. Also, almost every new paragraph starts with "I" - a gifted writer such as yourself should surely be capable enough to substitute different words therein?
All in all, a nice short story - it kept me interested enough to read all the way through it.
By all means, I'm not a teacher, but judging by how my teacher marks my work, you should get a fairly decent mark for this. It's appalling how badly some of my fellow class mates write. A/B is guaranteed - if you got a C, I would be surprised.
Cheers, Jai
Yes, of course I can!! I'm just flattered you're so interested
Thank you for being so dedicated d:
I hand in my first draft to my teacher on Tuesday, then I will have to wait for her to mark it ... but I will let you know about it as soon as I do!! (:
Lucyy xx
Can you do me a favour lucyy and post the edited one as soon as you can...I like to know how they turn out and I will be bugging you for news from your teachers and stuff and I want to know what mark you get and all sorts! I'm a pain in the bottom I know but at least I'm dedicated. There are worse things I could be!
thatannagirl --
thank you for reading my work, and good point, I will try and vary my words: I did kinda overdo the whole 'I have pale hands' thing oops d:
in_the_moonlight --
You weren't harsh at all!! Thank you for reading this and pointing out those points - they're very valid (: & thank you, you are too sweet, I'm glad you like my work
Lucyy xx
Hey Lucyy-
Okay I'm just gonna go ahead and review your work and then tell you more.
[quote]I was stood in front
You did this twice. I think you were either trying to say- I stood in front or I was standing in front.
[quote]The enticing scent was now thick in the air around me, taunting me
I think you should've describe the scent more. I know that it was so enticing you couldn't wait to taste it, but what exactly did it smell like. Apples, cake, perfume? After this you described the character's hands like 5 times, they have pale skin.
Okay now that all of that reviewing is over I'm going to apologize if I've been really harsh. To be honest I loved your story. I think at times it was just a tad awkward, but it was great and I read it because all of your other works were great. PLEASE KEEP WRITING!
-Moony
Cool story, though not overly creepy, it was good. I think you would benefit by showing instead of telling a little more. Also, you said described the vampire's skin as being pale at least four times; maybe you could describe it as alabaster or ivory instead. Anyway, I liked the way you described "toes curling in protest" and "glacial fingertips". Nice!
Aww thank you & I totally get the 'creepy' thing - I just couldn't think of a better wrod at that moment
& lol I'm not after cheating, this'll be my own work, but I just wanted to hear what people thought of it & if i could do anything better
Anyhooo thank you so much for your review,
Lucyy xx
Hey...not sure whether this is particularly legal but I wish this I knew this site was around when I was doing my GCSE's....it's like a little godsend I suppose...but anyway!
I love the fact you have incorporated the sense of touching into your work. This is often lost in this type of piece but you've used it to your advantage. Nice one mrs!
I would say, "the mouth-watering scent was tantalizing me.
For GCSE standard, i think "creepy" is rather colloquial and you can think of a better, more descriptive adjective to use in its place
Try not to overuse semi-colons. A full stop would suffice here dear. And colons in other places...have a read through and do a count. No more than two of each in a piece of writing this short, I reckon.
The rest of it is good, usually people go off the mark at the end but not you! Lol, I'll put fresh eyes on it tomoro though if you want me to!