** I am no longer using YWS but I'd like to say thank you to everyone who commented on my work and helped me to improve it - you guys are seriously amazing and I love you all. Thank you!! 
xx **
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139,463 Literary Works • 672,570 Reviews
This was great, but I must admit that I am midly confused. The reason being is your character says she doesn't understand human emotion though she is one, but then it says she's half-human. Maybe I wasn't paying close attention and missed something, but I'm not quite comprehending. Other than that it was amazing.
A full stop would work better than a semicolon. Darkness is more a separate entity from night than a descriptor. Also, the comma mucks up the meaning of the sentence. Is "lit only by the rainbow colours of twinkling Christmas lights" referring to the darkness or the village?
Darkness is the subject of the sentence; village is the object of the preposition. Draped and lit are both verbs, and so, you would think, directly linked to the subject. If that made sense.
In any sense, nixing the comma and adding in a "which was" will fix this issue.
Much more wordy than it needs to be, and much too wordy for my tastes. We already know that she killed Peter, so that bit is redundant.
I suggest something like "Atop the same grassy hill I had surveyed the village from hours before, I waited for the shattering of their happy existence."
How can festivities lay high? It makes no sense. For one, lay is a passive verb - you lie down after you lay your keys on the table. Also, how can festivities lie high in the first place? o.O Both lie and lay denote things at rest, and as festivities are the opposite of restful, it makes no sense. @_@
Hoping is understood to be wistful.
And I see you like your semicolons and colons. I see you like them a bit too much. Periods are deserve some love, too, you know. :P They're much less intrusive.
The wordiness pretty much killed the sentiment for me. I suggest going through and rewriting every single sentence/paragraph as simply as possible and with as few adverbs/adjectives as possible then add in the details/descriptors essential for the meaning of the sentence.
Conciseness is a beautiful thing. :P
Jarring. The previous paragraph made it seem as if you had finished talking about happiness, then BAM! Happiness again. I suggest incorporating this into the previous paragraph.
Would work better as its own paragraph and, perhaps, italicized.
Gah! Too wordy, and tense shift!
I suggest "My eyes instantly fix on the opened pub door. The light from inside pools onto the silver-frosted ground and casts a ghostly shadow upon Peter's corpse."
Also, how exactly does a ghostly shadow of light work?
Too many ands and independent clauses. @_@ This really should be separated into at least two sentences.
To keep with the pattern you already set as well as cutting down on the wordiness:
"Emotions all too familiar to me. Emotions I inflict upon any human that dares cross my path."
Also, as our narrator thinks so little of humans, apparently, having her refer to them as a that rather than a who makes more sense.
The sentence fragment doesn't really work here. It's too abrupt and inconclusive.
Also, what tense is this chapter in? Past or present? There is much switching in between, and it is confusing.
You need to transition into this paragraph better. It goes "I have questions" to "I don't turn people into vampires" suddenly back to "I have questions".
So, overall, you need to cut down on the wordiness. Not only did the unnecessary words sometimes confuse the meaning of the sentence, they also made the entire chapter feel more melodramatic than bitter or cynical (at least, that was how I felt). Bitter people tend to be biting. They don't bother with flowery sentiments or language; instead, they cut down to the heart of the matter as quickly as possible.
Other than the wordiness, I did enjoy this chapter since we got a lovely peek into her thoughts and motivations. :3
Hey, Luce.
Just thought I catch up on your latest. And unfortunately, everyone else has taken care of the little nit-picky things, so I will comment only on my one problem:
So the bold things are the ones in present tense. (EX: We walk to the park. "Let's feed the ducks," she says.)
The underlined things are past tense. (EX: We walked to the park. "Let's feed the ducks," she said.)
This is really the only spot I noticed difficulty with tenses. Everything else seems fine. I know the difficulty with tenses; I love present tense, and two of my stories are in it, but the other is in past, so I get them mixed up constantly. I'm sure know the problem. I'm assuming it's supposed to be in present tense, so here is my re-write:
So there you have it. I hope it clears that up. That's the only part I could see that was messed up.
I like the bitter, sarcastic tone your MC has. Especially these lines:
Anyway, great work! Pm me if you update this.
xoxo
~Sunny
Hi Lucy
It's Dreamwalker, supplying the review!
. Then I shall ablige the best I can, although I cant promise it will be as harsh as you want it for your grammer and neatness is fairly unflawed so I'll just nick at some of the storyline and a few things I didnt like.
Ah, you like harsh critiques
Kay, so, here is goes.
Beautiful use of a semicolon. I normally hate them, but used right only inhances the storyline. The first sentence is intreging and catches the reader right off the bat. I like that.
Now this is where I would draw the line. I really depise the idea of the semicolon, but when used right, it works. When overused... well thats when I draw the line. Two semicolons in one sentence is where I would draw the line.
The reoccuring theme of happiness throughout her thoughts is interesting, but the word in itself becomes redundant. Watch out for that. Try using words like joyous and exuberated or some sort that will cut down on the repetitiveness or it will start to drawl after awhile.
This sentence doesnt really sound quite right. Try saying 'them' instead of 'humans' for it just sounds strange from the standpoint, like it's switching thoughts halfway through.
I dont like the use of the word Simultaneously in this sentence. I think it would be better without it, and more powerful or a statement without it as well. It is only one line, and those tend to really get the reader going. The longer word sort of takes away from the powerful though.
The word 'shriek' feels a little too repetitive. Change one of them to something like 'screaming' or 'crying out'.
The word sorrow is starting to sound a little repetitive as well.
Try using 'their' instead of 'humans' near the end of the sentence.
Feels like your overusing the word 'humans'.
I particularily like this part. It sounded very well thought out and had quite the bite to it.
I do realise you have to change the subject to walking away, but it seems sort of silly put in this way for you jump from two completely different concepts. From animals not being able to talk back to being able to walk away. Those are two good factors, but it feels as if, with these sentences, that your stressing one or the other. Not both.
You already used the line 'cross my path' in this story. Twice makes it sound a little redudant.
This shouldn't have two somehow's in one sentence. Try wording it like 'I need to stay alive somehow, and drinking their blood is my only means. I need to live.'
I like this particularily. Irong is something that writers could work their whole lives to find in their writing, and you just showed us irony in the second chapter. I give you props from that. And the use of ...'s also give it a feeling of forboding.
I'd say 'for' not 'from'.
This last bit also intrigued me. The idea that this character seems so meloncholy about oneself and how things are laid out as such.. it just works for the character and I can really feel the powerful emotions coming from the character herself. Nice job indeed.
The last sentence felt a little out of place. Try deliberating on it a bit more to bring up the wonderment in the reader.
Maybe like this.
"In all my searching and Travelling I am yet to find another one of me. Another creature doomed to this eternity of hell that cycles on in the same reverbeating theme. A cold harsh dream that became more of a reality to me then any could possibly imagine (aka the dream sort of like a movie. Ties in." I am yet to find another blood-drinker."
This way the last sentence will turn out more powerful then the rest and really give a nice kick to the end and have the reader aching for more. Give them something to ponder and get excited about and really show them a side of the character that makes them ache. Sorry I do love vampires, and the Vampire Chronicles are my favourite book series so I do love how you portray your protagonist.
Overall:
Although you have some redundancy issues riddled through your work, your grammer and constistency is phenominal and your use of vocabulary is far superb.
But thats not what I want to get at. The vampire you're portraying is absoluetly wonderful to read about, and something immaculate about your work makes the heart almost ache for the character even though the words she thinks are more menacing then meloncholy. Just as Anne Rice created Lestat and made everyone feel for his character even though he was a raging sociopath, your character is one that make us feel as readers and thats something you shouldn't let go of for a second. Writing is an art form, and you truly have some raw talent to work with.
Hopefully that was a harsh enough critique. I'm not the greatest at them.
Ciao
-The.Dreamwalker
One thing before I begin, sorry if i make any spelling mistakes or anything like that.
Quick question, is this past or present tense? I get confused sometimes with differenciating them. But it seems to be in past tense then all of a sudden there is a 'now' or somthing like that. I'm just a weee bit confused.
This sentence reads a little awkward to me, and it is a bit of a run on. Maybe read it out loud and reword somethings?
I think this is two different sentences. And, i dont know, there is just something about the way it is worded, i just dont like it.
Nice connection/metaphor
huh, that's uh...how do i say this. Cheezy? I'm not sure if theres a way you can add something to this.
I think you should add something to this too. Most vampires that i read about have a motive for staying alive, or for dieing. Why does the MC need to stay alive?
Circle of life?
Although, I have yet to find anything to complete the cycle. Nothing I've ever come across could possible eat or feed on me.
Don't use 'you' reword to sound more like So i guess i could be classed as the top of the food chain... Something like that?
Aside from being totally...
Again, the wording, its painful.
Alrighty. It was...interesting. I don't really see a plot forming here. Maybe that will appear in the next chapter, but, right now, I don't see where it's leading. Maybe finding her maker? Seems kind of 'Interview with the Vampire' when Luis tries to find all the answers to why he is what he is. And all that Jazz. It was very well written and I look forward to reading whatever comes next. Please, let me know where you take this, it is very intreging.
Hiya,
Ok review time!
Mocking their ignorance. I don't think there is any need for the "them of".
Nice, I like this!
I think the wording of this is slightly awkward, is there any other way you could say it? The sentence is good except for the wording.
All in all i really like this. For someone who isn't used to writing in first person this is really good!
Some of the sentences seem a bit formal, is that just the character?
I can't wait to read the rest!
I thought it was really good. But i do think at the first two paragraphs you put just a little too much of a poetic twist into it. Other than that, it was brilliant. The storyline is very good and easy to get into. Something that would attract fiction - fans. It's good you should keep going !