Bloodlust - Chapter Four

Hey there Lucy . I'm back and with a dreamwalker review for you! XD.

Okay so, as always, I will start with my nit-pick.

Nit-Pick

A fat droplet of water splattered onto my nose, waking me up from my sleep in the soggy leaves.

Looking down, I screamed and lurched away from the figure: he was unmistakeably human, but his features had been twisted out of shape and his mouth pulled into a fixed, grotesque smile by thick, red scars.

I backed slowly away from him, taking in his pale skin, pointed teeth as he opened his mouth and grinned at me and, unmistakeably, his lack of a beating heart.

I just looked at him cautiously, taking a step back to match the step he took closer to me.

I couldn’t hold in the thought any longer, and this was the first living person I’d ever spoken properly to so I wasn’t exactly sure what the correct etiquette of talking to a vampire was.

I thought, thinking of my lonely existence with no one to speak to except the humans I used for food and occasionally the birds chirping high in the trees.

I’d forgotten his name already; it doesn’t do to be sentimental and remember their names

“I am what I am,” he said simply. “And I wouldn’t class myself as a monster, either.

After announcing his diet of animal blood, I didn’t believe him – the idea was totally absurd and not to mention weird.

Jack regarded my reaction to the blood, amusement dancing in his chocolate eyes.

He shrugged, “that’s all that matters, right?”

It was somewhat a relief to voice those thoughts which are constantly whirling through my mind.

Well, each to their own.

You added in more Jack, I'm now very, very happy

“Exactly. And I care on whether I’ve hurt those feelings or not.”

The only thing I can say is this was good. I enjoyed hearing more about Jack, and so far I'm liking him a lot. =)

I can't wait for chapter five. =)

This was really good! I couldn't really find anything wrong with it. I like how you word your sentences, like this for example; “I hate what I am – what we are – so why do I carry on contradicting with that by keeping myself alive?” It shows what your main character is really feeling and what she is thinking. Overall, I really liked this PM me when you wite more!

Thank you so much all of you for your amazing reviews!! Now, I know this ended a bit abruptly, so I'm working on a more suitable (and non-abrupt ) ending to the chapter, which I should hopefully have posted soon. Thank you so much for all your support and great reviews - you all keep me writing!! Well, that and my characters, they can be quite persuasive *nods seriously* =D.
--Lucyy xx

Okay, so...I think I said this in the attatchment, but I reread the story since I scanned the first time. Let me just say, I envy your writing. I really do. I'm patiently awaiting the next part of this. So as we agreed...LET ME KNOW WHEN IT'S POSTED. lol. =)

Hey, Jas here. No time for chit chat. On to the review...

which would account for the shiver I had felt.

I screamed and backed away from the figure I had leaped at:

He was also a vampire.

the dead obvious.

His hair, which was short and unkempt,

“That would be because I couldn’t.”

“Sure. I mean, if you had another choice, would this be it,”

otherwise you wouldn’t be stood here having this conversation with me.”

The only reason drinking animal's blood is overused is because it's practical. :P No complaints to be had from me on that matter.

A fat droplet of water dripped onto my nose, waking me [s]up[/s] from my sleep amongst the soggy, muddy leaves.

Sitting up, I looked into the thick canopy of leaves above me: the big/,/ hand-sized leaves [s]from[/s] of the intertwining trees [s]were seemingly protecting[/s] had protected me from the worst of the rain, although my tattered, worn-out clothes were still slightly damp.

As I stood looking at the surrounding forest, a shiver worked its way up my spine/./ [s]and[/s] I whipped around, narrowing my eyes to see through the dappled sunlight. The sunlight affected my vision immensely – it was like trying to see through broken glass – however, the thick [s]trees[/s] branches and leaves [s]were shading me from[/s] blotted out most of the [s]sun[/s]light, so my vision wasn’t as distorted as it [s]should be during daytime[/s] would be in direct sunlight.

I took a step closer towards the unnatural rustle of a bush’s leaves I had heard earlier; I was sure someone or something was hidden there, watching me, which would account for the shiver I had felt.

I pounced [s]suddenly[/s] at the bush[s],[/s] and heard a yelp as I landed on a solid form.

Looking down, I screamed and backed away from the figure I had leaped at: he was unmistakeably human, but his features had been twisted out of shape and his mouth pulled into a fixed/,/ grotesque smile. I [s]receded[/s] backed slowly away from him, taking in his pale skin, pointed teeth as he opened his mouth and grinned at me and, unmistakeably, his lack of a beating heart.

He was also a vampire.

Freezing where I stood, I stared at him in shock. The last vampire I had ever seen was the one that had changed me, and I couldn’t even remember anything about him – this was the first proper glance that I had got/ten/ of my own kind. And what a ghastly view it was.

“What happened to your face?” I couldn’t hold in the thought any longer, and this was the first living person I’d ever spoken properly to so I wasn’t exactly sure what the correct etiquette of talking to a vampire was. So I thought I’d better just go with the dead obvious.

Strangely enough, I wanted to get a closer look at the angry red [s]engraves[/s] scars twisting his features, to see if there were any redeeming qualities in his appearance.

But who is there to hide it from? I thought, thinking of my lonely existence with no one to speak to except the humans I used for food and occasionally the birds chirping high in the trees.

“Pretty name.” He startled me by saying the exact same words as the human boy – I’d forgotten his name already, it doesn’t do to be sentimental and remember their names – I killed last night had.

“That would be because I [s]couldn’t[/s] don't.” I shrugged; nothing could bother me less than have a few humans’ fear of monsters of the dark being intensified.

“Sure. I mean, if you had another choice, would this be it/?/” I asked, gesturing at the both of us.

“But we’re monsters.” I couldn’t understand how he could accept [s]this,[/s] what we are[s],[/s] so confidently, and/,/ what’s more, so positively.

Jack looked around the forest, as though bored [s]on[/s] with the current topic of conversation, before settling his gaze back to me.
“You mean you drink your own blood?” The idea was utterly repulsive to me. How [s]does[/s] did anyone even come up with that idea, even if it [s]is[/s] was to survive?

“No!” Jack’s eyes widened in horror, and he too must have been disgusted at the thought of drinking his own blood. “I drink animal’s blood,” he said simply.

I really just skimmed through this, so I didn't have time to look for errors, but this is good. I can't wait for the next chapter!

Hi, Lucy! Wow, I can't believe you managed to write this being swamped with the contest. Anyway, I'm excited to read it!

lucyy wrote:
A fat droplet of water dripped onto my nose, waking me up from my sleep amongst the soggy, muddy (I think you can choose one of these and get rid of the other.) leaves. Sitting up, I looked into the thick canopy of leaves above me: the [s]big[/s] hand-sized leaves from the intertwining trees were seemingly protecting me from the worst of the rain, although my tattered, worn-out clothes were still [s]slightly[/s] damp.
[s]As[/s] I stood looking at the surrounding forest. Suddenly, a shiver worked its way up my spine and I whipped around, narrowing my eyes to see through the dappled sunlight. Sunlight affected my vision [s]immensely[/s] strangely– it was like trying to see through broken glass – however, the thick trees and leaves were shading me from most of the sunlight, so my vision wasn’t as distorted as it should be during daytime. I took a step closer towards the unnatural rustle of a bush’s leaves I had heard [s]earlier[/s]; I was sure someone or something was hidden there, watching me[s], which would account for the shiver I had felt[/s].
I pounced suddenly at the bush, and heard a yelp as I landed on a solid form. Looking down, I screamed and backed away (This doesn't seem quick enough, if you know what I mean. It needs to be a faster movement.) from the figure [s]I had leaped at[/s]: he was unmistakeably human, but his features had been twisted out of shape and his mouth pulled into a fixed grotesque smile. I [s]receded[/s] backed slowly away from him, taking in his pale skin, pointed teeth as he opened his mouth and grinned at me and, unmistakeably, his lack of a beating heart.
He was also a vampire.
Freezing where I stood, I stared at him in shock. The last vampire I had ever seen was the one that had changed me, and I couldn’t even remember anything about him – this was the first proper glance that I had got of my own kind.
NP>> And what a ghastly view it was.
“Hi, there.” His voice rang through the forest, deep and clear.
“Hello,” I replied cautiously, taking a step back to match the step he took closer to me. (Okay, this part I think you should get rid of. I mean, think about this logically - or as logically as you can when writing about vampires - if you suddenly pounced on someone so grotesque and frightening as this character, and found out he was exactly - give or take a few deformities - like you, would you be willing to talk with him right away? I wouldn't. I'd cut this part, and go straight on.)
“No need to be afraid,” he said, “I’m the same as you. I promise I don’t bite.” He grinned, his pointed teeth flashing as he met a sunlit gap in the cover of the trees.
“What happened to your face?” I couldn’t hold in the thought any longer, and this was the first living person I’d ever spoken properly to so I wasn’t exactly sure what the correct etiquette of talking to a vampire was. So I thought I’d better just go with the dead obvious.
He chuckled, ostensibly tickled by my bluntness. “Do you not have any disfigurement from your change?” he asked, raising his eyebrows slightly. As he took another step forward, I remained where I stood. Strangely enough, I wanted to get a closer look at the angry red engraves twisting his features, to see if there were any redeeming qualities in his appearance.
“Well, do you?” he repeated. I thought of my mangled waist and nodded slowly. I guess I was lucky that I could hide my mutilation. But who is there to hide it from? I thought, thinking of my lonely existence with no one to speak to except the humans I used for food and occasionally the birds chirping high in the trees.
“There you are, then. You’re just the same as me, but I just can’t hide away what I am.” He shrugged, as though this was no big deal. I envied his flippancy.
“Who are you?” Another blunt question slipped through my lips, amusing him further.
“My name is Jack. And you?” (Oh my gosh! My MC's name is Jack, too! )
“Nina.”
“Pretty name.” He startled me by saying the exact same words as the human boy [s]– I’d forgotten his name already, it doesn’t do to be sentimental and remember their names –[/s] I killed last night had. I’d forgotten his name already; it doesn’t do to be sentimental and remember their names.
I frowned at him and was immediately suspicious. “What are you doing here?”
“You intrigue me,” Jack said, closing the final gap between us. I could now see that his eyes were a melting brown, the colour of milk chocolate. His hair, which was short and unkempt, was a lighter brown colour, contrasting [s]nicely[/s] with his ashen face. “I saw you kill and feed on that human last night without a care in the world, and so openly as well. It’s as though you don’t care who could find you out.”
“That would be because I [s]couldn’t[/s] don't.” I shrugged; nothing could bother me less than have a few humans’ fear of monsters of the dark being intensified. It may even be good for them. “Who cares what humans think?”
“Or feel,” he pointed out. I narrowed my eyes [s]at him[/s]. Was he trying to be funny?
“They don’t experience too much pain, and I never let them become what we are. That’s the best I can do for them.” I paused. “In the circumstances.”
Jack looked at me, his chocolate eyes swimming with questions. “So you think you’re doing them a favour then?” he finally asked.
“Sure. I mean, if you had another choice, would this be it?” I asked, gesturing at the both of us.
“No,” he answered, without missing a beat.
“Exactly, and what’s more—”
“However, I accept it,” Jack continued, his voice firm, but his eyes kind. “This is what we are, no matter if we’d wish it differently.”
“But we’re monsters.” I couldn’t understand how he could accept this, what we are, so confidently - and what’s more - so positively.
“I am what I am,” he said simply. “And I wouldn’t class myself as a monster, either. You see, I don’t go around killing humans like it’s my day job.”
I growled at that. “I don’t have any other choice. How else can I survive? You must have to drink human blood too, otherwise you wouldn’t be stood here having this conversation with me.”
“Human blood isn’t the only blood out there.” Jack looked around the forest, as though bored on the topic of conversation, before settling his gaze back to me.
“You mean you drink your own blood?” The idea was utterly repulsive to me. How does anyone even come up with that idea, even if it is to survive?
“No!” Jack’s eyes widened in horror, and he too must have been disgusted at the thought of drinking his own blood. “I drink animal’s blood,” he said simply.

First review! Thought I ought to return the favour, since you were nice enough to review mine!

As I stood looking at the surrounding forest, a shiver worked its way up my spine and I whipped around, narrowing my eyes to see through the dappled sunlight

The last vampire I had ever seen was the one that had changed me, and I couldn’t [s]even[/s] remember anything about him – this was the first proper glance that I had got of my own kind.

Pretty name.” He startled me by saying the exact same words as the human boy – I’d forgotten his name already, it doesn’t do to be sentimental and remember their names – I killed last night had

I could now see that his eyes were a melting brown, the colour of milk chocolate.

You mean you drink your own blood?” The idea was utterly repulsive to me. How does anyone even come up with that idea, even if it is to survive?
“No!” Jack’s eyes widened in horror, and he too must have been disgusted at the thought of drinking his own blood. “I drink animal’s blood,” he said simply.