Bloodlust - Chapter Three

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. I don't know what to say. Every one else has already covered the punctuation, grammar and technical pointers that were bothering me, so I'll just get strait to the meat of what I want to say. The part of the chapter where the MC is confused is absolutely stunning. you are able to portray her confusion in a way that you give the reader enough to piece together what is going on, but leave enough out to leave them hanging. The only problem with it is that you use parentheses. I very much dislike parentheses. I think that they take the reader out of the story, if you can figure out how to remove the parentheses, I think, you may not, it would be better.
Also you didn't make it that gruesome, it wasn't that descriptive, which is good because it leaves room for the readers mind to wander. If you let the mind wander they themselves can get even more out of it. GOOD!!! that is good. But these are my personal preferences, if you don't agree just ignore them. thanks for listening. I hope these tips help! great writing I really loved it.

This seems to be the best I have read so far. I would love to read more about this. I was intrigued and I was a little disappointed when it ended.

This is very good! I like your plot so far and where this seems to be going.
In this sentnce, 'I wasn’t too sure where that knowledge came from, but it seemed stupid to contradict with myself,' contradict with myself sound a little weird, but if you like that sentence, you could take 'with' out. I think it would sound better that way. Overall, I think this is a good piece of work. If you need any help, or have any questions, PM me! I'd love to help.

~Nikki

Sorry this is so late. I was sick, and then I had the entire review typed up but lost it after accidentally pressing the back button...

Blood drips slowly into his mouth as he groans with pleasure, a pleasure only he can feel.

All I can feel is the soaring, unbearable pain caused by him slashing roughly and desperately at my waist.

I just wanted it all to go away. I could feel myself passing out as the blood slowly drained away from my body and water replaced it.

Water? I remember thinking before I promptly passed out.

I roll over, groaning, the right side of my body throbbing.

This should be merged with the next paragraph as it is her acting and not the man.

I open my eyes, to have them swallowed up by the darkness.

If her eyes were already closed, techinically they'd already be swallowed by darkness. Just keep it simple and say "but only see darkness."

Why is it so dark? passes through my mind[s],[/s] but is instantly repressed by the smell burning the insides of my nostrils and mouth.

To repress something means to actively work towards a lack of something. As smells are passive, this really doesn't make sense. Also, smell is a very bland word. Is the smell sharp? Sweet? Overpowering? Is it more of a tang or an aroma, a fragrance or an odor?

I also dislike the use of instantly here; immediately is better.

The burning increased as the thing that spoke to me earlier crouched over me, asking my name.

You've already described the scent as burning, but to what extent is it so? Is it a raging inferno or is it more of an incessant itch? A bit more description would be nice, especially if the smell is supposed to be riveting and pervasive. :P

Name? What was my name?

I think this works better as a paragraph of its own.

Again, my thoughts halted instantly as I took a gasp of the burning air. I pulled myself up and leaned [s]into[/s] towards the thing on the ground beside me.

Nix the instantly. You've already used it, and it just weakens this sentence. The immediacy of the thoughts being pushed away is already mentioned the first time around; no need to say it again. :P

Is the man kneeling, sitting, standing, lying down? A little bit of description goes a long way in making the setting concrete. Right now, I have no real idea where the characters are relative to one another, or how they are situated (outside that the MC was lying on the ground but is now leaning into the man).

Also, if you can use one concise word in the place of two or more, generally use that concise word. It helps improve the flow and cuts down on (you guessed it!) wordiness.

As my eyes adjusted to the gloom, I could see what this thing that spoke to me looked like.

New paragraph as these are her actions/observations and not his.

Also, the whole second half is much longer than it needs to be. "the thing that kept speaking to me" is much less awkward. Seeing implies looking at something, so there's no need to mention anything about being able to see what the man looks like, especially since you describe him right after.

Another thing, as eyes were closed, they would already be adjusted to darkness.

Its surface was plagued by lines and wrinkles, especially around his [s]two[/s] eyes and [s]his[/s] mouth.

Most people have two eyes.

He is a man because of his deep voice.

This would work better as its own separate paragraph, I think.

I wasn’t too sure where that knowledge came from, but it seemed stupid to contradict [s]with[/s] myself. Looking closer {at what?}, I could tell that he had the same [s]parts to his body as mine[/s] body parts as me, although there was a strange, hollow beating sound coming from him, as well as that smell that burned my throat and nose.

Lifting my hand towards his wrinkly surface – face, my knowledge informed me – I touched it, the burning of his skin against mine forgotten as I felt a soft beat beneath his skin. I traced for the source of the beating, and traced it to below his neck.

You use two words (skin and traced) twice in the same sentence which is way too close together. This is one of the times when a thesaurus does come in handy. ;P

Curious, I pushed my hand down on it and heard something crunch and the man yelped, scratching his nails frantically against my hands.

Unless the man was braced against something, or unless she's holding him in place, her pushing down should push him away rather than crush his ribcage or collar bone. Which one it is isn't clear (translation: more description, please :D).

I instantly needed more.

This sentence would be so much stronger without the unneeded adverb.

I placed my hand over the thumping, wanting to protect it, and [s]I could feel[/s] felt its power.

I could also feel that it was circular, so lightly tracing my fingernails around the steady thumping, I then dug harder, making a red circle appear on the man’s chest.

Way too much going on in this sentence, and it winds up being a confusing mes. Break it up.

Also, how can she feel that it's circular? Is it a vampire thing? If so, make that a little clearer. Humans can't tell the shape of a heart just by hearing/feeling it beat.

As though from far away I could hear moans and shouts of pain, the man even once shouted out “Nina!”

Comma splice. Also "I could hear moans and shouts of pain, but they seemed far away," is a bit clearer than what you currently have.

I was too occupied with the thumping and the thick crimson liquid seeping from the circle I had made to take notice.

Take the opportunity to describe a bit where the circle is on his body and relatively how deep it is. Instead of circle, "hole I had carved in his chest" is much more vivid (and gory! :P).

I [s]continued to make more slashes with my nails all over the man’s[/s] kept slashing the mann all over his body, slowly releasing the blood (as I later found out it was called), and licking it before it could drip onto the ground.

If she's making cuts all over his body, how is she able to lap up all the blood before it drips to the ground? Cuts, even shallow ones, tend to bleed for a while after they are made, after all.

The thick liquid coated my tongue and throat so deliciously, I couldn’t get enough of it.

Soon there was no blood left and the thumping [s]had[/s] stopped.

Yet shortly after, you tell us that his heart is full of blood. Try "the blood stopped flowing out".

Also, watch the verb tenses.

Curious, I dug my fingernails beneath the circle I had made around the thumping earlier and tugged, revealing a shrivelled up red thing, still warm and full of blood. I ate it.

I love how you just simply tell us she ate it. <3

Later, I found out it was called a heart, and is what every human needs to stay alive. It seems I have one too, although mine doesn’t make the hypnotising boom-boom sound. My heart is dead, so therefore I am dead too.

I pulled myself up and leaned into towards the thing on the ground beside me.

I wasn’t too sure where that knowledge came from, but it seemed stupid to contradict with myself

slowly releasing the blood (as I later found out it was called),

My heart is dead, so therefore I am dead too.

Hiya Lucy It's Dreamwalker with your review and I'm truly excited about this one by far.

So as is my latest way of critiquing, I'll do my critique the go into things such as Plot, Characters, Setting, Punctuation and grammer, and such things .

So lets start!

Critique

Blood dripping slowly into his mouth as he groans with pleasure, a pleasure only he can feel.

I open my eyes, to have them swallowed up by the darkness.

I pulled myself up and leaned into towards the thing on the ground beside me.

He is a man because of his deep voice.

but it seemed stupid to contradict with myself.

I traced for the source of the beating, and traced it to below his neck.

I placed my hand over the thumping, wanting to protect it, and I could feel its power. I could also feel that it was circular, so lightly tracing my fingernails around the steady thumping, I then dug harder, making a red circle appear on the man’s chest.

(as I later found out it was called),

Later, I found out it was called a heart, and is what every human needs to stay alive.

My heart is dead, so therefore I am dead too.

Hello, there! How's it going? I'm excited to read this, so let's begin!

So, this will be the last 'filling in' chapter, as such, as I'll be getting onto the main storyline in the next chapter. This is quite a short chapter and a memory. It is also slightly graphic towards the end in terms of gore, which is why it is a PG-13 (and I promise you this does turn into a romance =P). I also want to put out to you (amazing!) readers that I really am not disturbed, (nice one, Luce. ) this is just how I envisioned a first vampire moment to be, when you haven't a clue what you or anything else is. So, before I give the whole thing a way, I'll stop here and hope you enjoy this chapter and as always, harsh and truthful critiques are very welcome!! (:

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Chapter Three

Blood dripping slowly into his mouth as he groans with pleasure, a pleasure [s]only he can feel[/s] known only to him. All I can feel is the soaring, ('soaring? I don't think pain is soaring, more like the opposite. Perhaps try another adjective.) unbearable pain caused by him slashing roughly and desperately at my waist. I just wanted it all to go away. (Seems awkward, this. Maybe make it a thought: [i]Please, I thought desperately, just make it stop. or something. I could feel myself passing out as the blood slowly drained away from my body and water replaced it.[/i] Water? I remember thinking before I promptly passed out.
“Hello? Hello, can you hear me?” A worried voice whispers in my ear and feeble, burning hot hands push at my body. I roll** over, groaning, the right side of my body throbbing.
I open my eyes, only to have them swallowed up by the darkness. Why is it so dark? [s]P[/s] passes through my mind, but is instantly repressed by the smell burning the insides of my nostrils and mouth. The burning increased as the thing that spoke to me earlier crouched over me, asking my name. Name? What was my name? * (see end)
Again, my thoughts were stopped instantly as I took a gasp of the burning air. I pulled myself up and leaned into towards the thing on the ground beside me.
“Are you okay? What’s your name, dear?” the thing kept on repeating. As my eyes started*** to adjust to the gloom I could see what this thing that spoke to me looked like. It was crinkly. Its surface was plagued by lines and wrinkles, especially round his two eyes and his mouth. He is a man because of his deep voice. I wasn’t too sure where that knowledge came from, but it seemed stupid to contradict with myself. Looking closer, I could tell that he had the same parts to his body as mine, although there was a strange hollow beating sound coming from him, as well as that smell that burned my throat and nose.
Lifting my hand towards his wrinkly surface – face my knowledge informed me – I touched it, the burning of his skin against mine forgotten as I felt a soft beat beneath his skin. I traced for the source of the beating, and traced it to below his neck. There seemed to be a large thumping object inside of him. Curious, I pushed my hand down on it and heard something crunch and the man yelped, scratching his nails frantically against my hands. I just brushed them away: I wanted to see this beating thing. Digging my nails into his flesh, red liquid seeped out of the cuts I had made, and the smell was stronger, urging me to lick the liquid up. So I did.
It was divine. (Whoa. *deep breath* It almost hurts to read this.)
I instantly needed more. I placed my hand over the thumping, wanting to protect it, and I could feel its power. I could also feel that it was circular, so lightly tracing my fingernails around the steady thumping, I then dug harder, making a red circle appear on the man’s chest. As though from far away I could hear moans and shouts of pain, the man even once [s]shouted[/s] screamed out, “Nina!”
I was too occupied with the thumping and the thick crimson liquid seeping from the circle I had made to take notice.
I continued to make more slashes with my nails all over the man’s body, slowly releasing the blood (as I later found out it was called), and licking it before it could drip onto the ground. The thick liquid coated my tongue and throat so deliciously I couldn’t get enough of it. Soon there was no blood left and the thumping had stopped. Curiously, I dug my fingernails beneath the circle I had made around the thumping earlier and tugged, revealing a shrivelled up red thing, still warm and full of blood. I ate it.
Later, I found out it was called a heart, and is what every human needs to stay alive. It seems I have one too, although mine doesn’t make the hypnotising boom-boom sound. My heart is dead, so therefore I am dead too.

........ wow.
That was just...... wow. I can't think of any other way to describe it.

There was just one tiny thing I found. It might just be me being stupid. I'm sorry if it is!

“Are you okay? What’s your name, dear?” the thing kept on repeating

As though from far away I could hear moans and shouts of pain, the man even once shouted out “Nina!”