Do you ever feel like you're being watched?
Like, your every move.
If you're in the dark, you feel like a hand is just going to reach out, grab you, and drag you into the abyss of your own imagination.
You never feel alone.
Something is always in your presence.
You feel a figure, constantly standing behind you, waiting.
Waiting for what? Death? An opportunity?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Greetings!!!!
Hello, I am B, And I saw this, with the unique name.
First off, Welcome to YWS!!! I hope that you like it!!! If you ever need any help at all, feel free to message me!!!
What I liked
I thought that you showed the idea of being paranoid to perfection!! You did very well,and I loved that you showed details into it...
Kinda confused... about...
1.)
"Do you ever feel like you're being watched?
Like, your every move."
Like your every move.....what? I got a little lost. I would have added like...
If your every move you felt eyes on you or something......
2.)
"Something is always in your presence.
You feel a figure, constantly standing behind you, waiting.
Waiting for what? Death? An opportunity?
~Lauren ... 1:15, Tuesday, November 6"
Why was this date, name and number on there?? What that when you wrote it? IF it is, do really dont need to put that there, we can see it....
Overall, I loved this! It was pretty great!!!!
I hope this wasnt too much!
keep writing,
~B.
Hi there! I'm Arden, here to review your work!
Let's go ahead and jump right into it.
First of all, welcome to YWS! We're so glad to have you on the site. You've already written a piece, which is awesome. You're doing great so far, keep it up!
This beginning struck me as creepy, which I believe was this story's purpose. The idea of someone watching me without my consent has always been something I haven't enjoyed thinking about. I applaud you for grasping my attention with this hook. Horror/Suspense is always an interesting genre to explore, and most authors in that part of the business really know how to reel in the reader, which you've done quite well here. Great job.
On a technical note, (this is probably just a rushed typo you made that didn't get caught when proof-reading) "every" should be "ever" in this bit.
Further ellaboration on the first line, which was appreciated, though not particularly necessary. Sometimes an explanation is needed for a part of a piece, and sometimes it isn't. I don't think it was here.
I'm not particularly sure how I'm feeling about this section. A few things I feel I should point out:
1. I'm kind of confused why a hand is referenced in this bit. Weren't we talking about eyes watching you? Is the hand just an additional idea brought in by the author? If so, that was a good place to introduce a new object/character. You let the first idea settle before bringing in a new one. Good work there. If you intent was to focus on the true idea of being watched, though, you seemed to stray here.
2. You say that this hand is dragging me into my own imagination, yet I don't know if that line had the same effect on me that some of the others had. I feel that I could escape from my imagination quite easily, because technically, I have control over it. I don't know, I just didn't feel quite as satisfied with that bit.
You jumped back onto the scare-train here. Good recovery.
I'm left with a sense of mystery at the end, which I always love, with the right amount of detail in the piece backing it up. Well done!
Overall, this was a simple piece with a pretty spooky message that you kept pretty well throughout it. There were a few minor hiccups that I addressed in this review, and hopefully I helped you out!
Thanks for sharing, and keep writing!
Arden