Young Writers Society

Hi lovrr,

I like what you're doing with this piece here, you clearly have a way with words and a way with description. You're using a lot of emotion to push the movement of this story, but I don't think that's going to work with what you have. At least, not without a little more content to keep the feet in line and not falling from under the piece.

The imagery is so grand that it overwhelms the piece, we getting a look at too many small pieces of the couple here and we're lost in the details. Can't see the forest for the trees, as the saying goes. I’ve had this problem before, I’ve had it incredibly often, even, because I absolutely adore imagery. There is something utterly gorgeous in being able to describe a thing or person so well that people can see the image in their mind’s eye. But like here, it often went the wrong way and the reader was confused by the changing images and colours.

What I’d like to see you do here is strip this back to the basic elements. Tell me what these characters are actually doing right now – is she lying on the bet, knees bent and rocking slowly in the wind as he paces back and forth, dragging a cigarette from his mouth and throwing the smoke out into the window pane? This is the kind of description we need to start with – that YOU need to start with. Once we have that then your imagery can have a focus and a form. The fluid movement of the back of her knees takes shape, the way her shoulder curves down into the bed when she rolls to watch him, eyes sleepy and not a little pleased. I want these images because they tell a proper story, they give some meat to the beauty so that we can appreciate the well formed images just that bit more.

Some of your phrasing is a bit awkward in sections. “He was not angles, not lines, not fractures, just nothing smooth.” This just didn’t make sense. I know he is an anthology of convolution, but the “just nothing smooth” threw that whole thing off course. What does that even mean to you? And why is it there, phrased like that? I think I’m desiring some meaning to your meandering picture, because there’s a lot of repetitive ideas and phrases and words and they begin to meld together and then I’m left with a remarkably forgettable piece. I want this to be memorable because it’s actually really lovely, it just needs an anchor. Much like the smoke needs a cigarette, your misty images need a focal point that we can grow from. Maybe we’re just imperfect and not yet enlightened enough for the fully abstract, but there it is.

Try stripping this back and starting from a more focused image and see what comes from it. Avoid repetitions and anything which sounds too convoluted on the first read. You can insert convoluted ideals once you have that base level down. It’s like layering an image but this time with a focus narrative then a description and then an image laying on top.

This is lovely and I look forward to reading more from you. Hit me up with any questions, queries or just to chat! Thanks for the read.

~Pen.

Hey loverr,

I love the way you fit words together in sentences. You definitely have a talent for writing well -- at least in stringing sentences together -- but I think my main criticism is that you wander quite a lot like the writing doesn't know where to go.

The opening line has, in my eyes, very little to do with the rest of the poem. The bulk that stood out was the description of the lady in this piece. By that point in the piece, it's like you've warmed up and are writing well with direction and determination. From "She was virginal in existence" to "This he also could do" is brilliant, and a pleasure to read.

I love the extended simile of water and waves -- you don't just extend it by saying the same thing, but also show a contrasting aspect of the same simile (the crash of the waves too, not just the smoothness). That's really mature writing and great to read. Unfortunately you seem to lose track of where you're going again in the last two paragraphs. The imagery you pick for the man seems disparate and terribly weak in comparison to the strong unified images you pick for the lady. Maybe you can see if you can make the man's side as good as the lady's?

As I said, the first line gives a very strange impression of what the rest of the piece will be about. You start off talking about love and how people love at things and how other people love people. That's an interesting distinction and worth exploring, but you don't really do that. You move to a different theme -- describing this lady and her movement (or lack of).

It could be that this piece is actually talking about an artist looking at his subject and painting her. That would tie the two parts together a bit better, but if that's the intention then (sadly) it doesn't work. A bit more work on the surrounding parts, to bring them into focus, would greatly improve the poem.

I like the closing metaphor -- the cloth used to clean paintbrushes is a lovely image and it really gives a sense of what you're trying to say. Unfortunately it doesn't fit well with the rest of the piece, as I've mentioned, because it needs something more to bind the two halves of the piece together. I can see the potential, but I think this needs a little more work in order to reach it.

Still, you've demonstrated an awegreat control of the English language and I'm certain that you can make this a fantastic piece. If you've got any queries / questions, feel free to PM me or post on my wall. Take care, and happy writing!

You are quite clearly an artist. Am I right? The very first line of this prose caught my attention and the rest held it tightly. So very beautiful. So immensely strong and delicate.

Bravo, bravo, and bravo.

RC