Dreams
Floating without a body
Until a scenario is made
And into it you are thrown
Without a clue what will happen
Or a chance to understand
You have to follow the line
No matter what it revels
Death, love, or a new life
It takes place inside your mind
Every night as you take one final thought
Before you are transported to this mysterious land
Every night is something new
A world unexplored
Adventures await you
So close your eyes and wait
For sleep to take hold
What will you dream about tonight?
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Knight Dragon, here to review on this wonderful Review Day!
Technical:
You need punctuation. For example,
"Floating without a body
Until a scenario is made
And into it you are thrown
Without a clue what will happen
Or a chance to understand"
You should have a period after "understand", at the very least. Commas COULD go at the end of "And into it you are thrown" and "Without a clue what will happen".
"You have to follow the line
No matter what it revels", you need a period at the end of the second line, and "revels" should be "reveals".
"Death, love, or a new life", you need a comma at the end of that line (the one there is the one I put for this review).
Otherwise I liked the dream-like feel of this poem, and the ethereal essence it seemed to encapsulate. Good job, and keep it up.
Hope this helps! Happy Review Day!
I really love this poem! It's so deep, and it actually makes you think. I love how the vagueness makes the meaning of the poem different to everyone. Your poem really does describe dreams.
Keep up the good work!
The question was a great way to end the poem. Again, I love it!
Thank you rainbowcabbit. I'm guessing you're new so welcome to YWS
I just awoke so and it's 2:17 am. so I dreamt about a world filled with death and destruction because all truth was revealed unto the world...and that's what I dreamt about tonight hehe...
Hi lostthought! First of all, welcome to YWS!
So, this seems to be a prelude to something. After all, it's kind of a vague poem that seems to be leading up to Something Important! But... what? You keep the various scenarios and adventures and circumstances pretty hidden, though you do indicate that something might happen that will probably be an incredible adventure that has tons of twists and turns!
I think it might be really cool if you could add more information there and make it sound even more adventurous. Maybe talk more about this mysterious land. Or maybe talk about why you have to follow the line. Or maybe just talk about these adventures! Going more in depth about these sorts of things would really be awesome and would really help out your poem become more fleshed out.
Good luck!
How am I suppose to know what you will dream about? It's your own adventure, your own imagination your talking about. (Also I went full psychological like I do in the middle of the night)
Wow, you managed to tell us everything about this land you experienced but what it was like or what it even looked like. I can even get a rough ambiguity of a person going to sleep. See I just thought this weird thing that poetry was about expressing ourselves; I want you to really think about this line I will give you.
How does this poem express yourself?
I guess the only answer you could come up with is: you like to dream. Okay so I think this poem would be great as;
I like to dream.
No, NO. I want something more. What does lostthoughts911 dream about in their sleep? I don't want some metaphoric answer of being a *insert your biggest aspiration*, I want you to show me what it is you felt and what it is you see and everything about yourself; you needn't to tell us.
Although, I am stuck inside my boring head as you ask me what I dream about as-if you expect an answer.
Then you talk about some line, it is this metaphorical line that no one can even picture. I do not follow a line in my dreams, thank you. The worst is that you assume I do and I just know what you are talking about. I don't. When I dream there is not an adventure it is myself being tied as my loved ones are murdered. This sounds silly but I am almost offended lol.
I was not really.... myself. When it's the middle of the night I have deep thoughts that happen before my sleep and you catch what I wrote, then you have some real deep psychological things here. I think follow the line means follow the path of the story will take you. Or something like that. I think weird for an eighth grader.........