"Jewel! Wake up you lazy bum!"
I roll over. Why can't I get a few more minutes of sleep? It would help me a lot of they could just let me sleep. Oh, why did I even volunteer for Scouting? Even Patrol gets more time to rest!
"Don't make me drag you out! You know I will!" yells David, my friend and leader of the Scouts.
I yell back in reply, "David, keep your undies on! I swear to the gods above if you drag me out again, I will stab your sorry butt!"
I roll out of my bed of moss and leaves. Slipping on my small jacket and my blue, baggy jeans, I shove on my shoes, which are black and white tennis shoes, and tie them. Finally, I somewhat brush my hair with a brush made out of thorns and hardened mud.
David pops his head in and asks, "Are you ready yet, Your Highness? Take any longer and you will officially be slower than a snail."
I chunk a rock at him. He laughs and runs away. I walk out of the tent to darkness. I guess my way to where the rest of the Scouts are.
"Hey, I'm here! Sarah, do you have my knife?" I say.
Sarah nods. She is a lightly tanned teenager that, sadly, is taller than me by a couple inches. She hands me back my knife and expectantly looks at me. In return, I give her a nut. As she stows it in her pocket, I look around for David. I spot him right away. He is hard to miss, being seven feet high and a ghastly white against the darkness the night provides.
David sees me as well and comes up to me, "Hey, Jewel, are you up finally awake?"
"Is it my fault you guys get up before the rooster even crows?" I respond. I give him a small slap, laughing, "Why do you even get up so early?"
His features grow hard. He says, "You know why." Suddenly, he gets taken aside by another Scout. He shoots me a saddened glance and goes back to listening.
It's not fair! We keep searching for an escape, but find none. It is impossible to escape. Especially looking for an escape before the sun even rises. The gummy bears haven't attacked us yet, but they might soon. The Scouts are no match for a bunch of animated pieces of candy that likes to murder people. I think they are candy. The alternative seems unlikely and weird.
Yesterday, we nearly ran into a herd of unicorns. The last time we ran into unicorns . . . Well, nobody talks about it. The incident lays fresh in my mind, though. I will never forget. That was the time one of the kids snuck along. Yori.
I stand there, watching as David told the children they couldn't come. They were all disappointed. All left except for Yori. I watched as she hid behind the trees nearby. I told the Scouts to start without me and went to Yori.
"Yori, what are you doing? Go play, nobody wants you hurt," I said. She crossed her arms and shook her head in defiance. I pushed her to where the rest of the children went, "Come on, we don't know what is it there. You could get seriously hurt!"
Yori responded, "I'm bored. There is nothing to do. I won't make a sound. You won't even know I'm there, or anyone else for that matter. Please, please, please let me go!" She pouted, making it hard to say no.
With a sigh, I relented, "Okay, you can come. Be silent, be swift, and be careful. Don't let the rest of the Scouts or any of the creatures see you."
Yori grinned and leapt behind a tree. She waved me on and I ran back to the group, Yori hidden behind me somewhere. As we searched, I kept an eye on the spots I had last saw Yori. It wasn't until I heard her scream when I realized that I hadn't saw her in a while.
A Scout pointed to where the screams were coming from. I went to look. There I saw Yori and she was trying unsuccessfully to pet an unicorn.
I screamed at her, "Yori! No! Get back here! They eat flesh!" Yori didn't listen. She kept asking walking towards the nearest one, her hand outstretched. For a moment, it looked like she was going to be able to pet it. That moment ended when the unicorn drove its ridiculous looking horn into her heart.
A blood-curtling scream emitted from her mouth. The unicorn started to eat her. David and an another Scout held me back as I watched Yori get eaten. There was blood splattered everywhere as the unicorn ate her hungrily. I was dragged away from the scene and transported back to camp. By the time we got there, my throat was raw from screaming.
It affected me the most. Yori, she was my daughter. My first and only child. She had looked just like her father. She only had my brown hair and green eyes. When she died, I lost it. I should've stopped her. I should've saved her! I should've-
"Jewels! Jewels! What's wrong? Come on, Jewels, say something!" David yells. I look around. I'm on the jungle floor. Some Scouts surround me, others stare at me from afar with pity. David is at my side, worry sketched on his face. I push him aside.
I reassure him, "David, I'm fine. Don't worry. How did I get on the ground anyways?"
He glances around before relying, "I don't know. One second, I'm talking to Rhia, and the next, you are on the ground screaming your head off. I think you should go back to camp. You might need a break today." He gives me a sad, puppy dog look.
"David, I'm going. Nobody can stop me. I'm just fine. Let's just go," I say. I walk forward. After a few years, I embarrass myself by realizing I left my supplies back with Sarah. I go back and grab them, avoiding David's eyes that keep staring into the back of my head, as if they are trying to see what I am thinking. I turn, give David a fake smile, and go with the advancing group of Scouts.
End of chapter
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Timmy here for a quick review!
Nitpicks first
So I will only point out two things here, and I think they are the two things that really shined out in your piece for me to nitpick.
There is a different between redundancy and repetitive. Repetitive is something you do when something needs to be pulled out. Shown. Brought into the light. Redundant sounds a little more like you accidentally, mistakenly, made a certain part the same... Like you wrote the beginnings of these sentences... They all begin with "I".
In first person, it is a common mistake to start a few sentences in a row off with "I", especially since you automatically think of "I" when you start a sentence... But think of it this way. When you think inside your mind about thingys and cool stuff, do you say--I am going to go do this. I shall then do this. I shall have this, too.... Non. It just flows together. Sometimes it takes awhile of editing and rewriting before you get all of those instances.
Non. Non. That isn't the way to describe someone. Its a common mistake as well, one that I ALWAYS make, but a mistake nonetheless. There should be a rule somewhere that if Timmy makes it, its ok!
Using the same context as what you have, I shall rewrite it: Just make it the character describing her. Not an empty description.
Other stufffff
Your story is really coming along! I love your characters. Honestly. The constant banter that goes back and forth is awesome. Makes your characters seem more genuine, and more their age. Not stoic people that only talk of warfare and battle. Bleh. At least there are Unicorns in here!!
Your story has so much depth to it. Your characters feel everything. They aren't just running about getting hurt. We actually feel it inside. The entire part in italics was so gripping and tense... You are an awesome writer. Why haven't I reviewed your work before?
May the force and Unicorns be with you. Always.
~The Darth Timmyjake
Hey so far really good. but quick question how old is everyone because first I thought jewls was a teen then I get to the middle like holy snap she's a mom. Second I enjoy how this is starting to remind me of how the maze runner happened the scouts went to find escape with viscious creatures lurching everywhere it is quite amazing. I enjoyed like I said before how all these fairy animals where most are told to be nice and friendly you have given them a deadly twist making them your own creation in a say. You imagery and conversation and also flashbacks were done expertly and helped aid the reader in feeling like your apart of this story to. I enjyed the sad twist of how her daughter died. to overall well done
Well, actually she had the kid at 18. Since her kid is 7, she is now 25. It's just that Jewel is childish.
(Yeah, I tend to write with bits and pieces of things I read. I've read maze runner so it has that feature. Can you figure out which book the evil fairy tale creatures are from?)
I belive the iron fet series
The Reckless/Fearless books actually.
Oh cool :3 *to the book series away!*
Hey Losty sorry I took so long!! It's been a busy me.
Ok I really like this story and where you're taking it. I think the MC has really developed. I like how it's more mature and dangerous. And cranky.
Alright let's get on with it.
I really like your dialogue and the interaction between characters this time.
I think, like olive dreams thought of mine own piece, that you have to many pronouns of the me type. Mix it up! I'll do the same for mine don't worry.
I absolutely love your imagination in this piece! It is wild and awesome! Just the way I like it! Can I steal your mud brush?
This dialogue is a bit choppy. Maybe you have a missing something?
I thought he was not so near? Ran away?
I dislike the manner this is put. "Pulled" doesn't really fit.
I like the action this time, and I don't think I can add much to it!
Keep it up!!