Once, everyone had a normal life. Some had children, others were carefree children themselves. At the time, a trip to an island full of rainbows sounded like a good idea. Now we know that we got more than we bargained. It seems under beauty is ugliness that none deserve to see.
It all started when the brochures came. The front displayed a small jungle full of rainbows. Of course, the trip was free. I guess we should have known it was too good to be true. We all called the number. We all were accepted. Even the children who were no older than seven.
One by one, everyone came. Some with canes; others holding on to their mother's legs. In all there were forty. A masked man came, claiming to be our guide. None questioned it. All followed.
We followed him to a dark and damp cave. Some kids were crying. As the mothers comforted them, the man spoke, "You all got the brochure for a reason. Be it your skill, your intelligence, your strength. You are important.
One man, the one with the ebony cane, asked, "What about me? I'm old and no use to anyone. I have no skill, nor intelligence, nor strength. I'm as helpful as a codfish."
The man chuckled. He walked to the cave entrance. After he looked to see if everyone was inside, he spoke, "Even codfishes have their uses. They are quite delicious. Maybe, you could be bait! Good luck, goodbye!" With that, he stepped backwards out of the cave.
Most went into panic. Mothers cried out for those children; children for cried out for their mothers. I watched as others ran out the cave to get masked man. Then they yelled out in surprise. Curious, everyone else went to look, I with them. Then I stopped.
Trees covered the front of the cave. Some trees were normal with brown leaves and green leaves. Some trees were another story. Though they had brown bark, their leaves were multicolored. There were purple, green, orange, yellow, red, and pink leaves. They emitted a fruity fragrance. The leaves rustled, and I looked up to see a strange figure hidden among the leaves. Before I could warn everyone else, the figure jumped down.
The figure was about four feet tall. It had the shape of a bear but was green and somewhat see through. It held a long stick. When it opened its mouth, a strange language flowed out. In an instant more of the same figure showed up. One of the kids gasped.
She whispered, "Gummy bears. Big, big gummy bears." A gummy bear stepped forward. Its skin was a bright pink. It smelled faintly of strawberries. It raised its paw as if in greeting. What happened next was not too friendly. It roared and the rest charged at us.
Frightening growls protruded the air, even louder than that was the screens of terror. I saw that the end of the sticks they carry are sharp and perfect for stabbing people. We all ran back to the cave, our sanctuary.
Only a few fell. They were the weak ones. The old man who said that he was useless was among them. For some reason, the gummy bears wouldn't enter the cave. They stood outside the entrance, yelling in the same language I heard the first one say earlier. After an hour, they gave up. Night had fallen, the moon was a full, white sphere.
We were careful from then on out. We met many dangers. Some were mauled by a strange type of unicorn. Others were brutally murdered by small men that looked like dwarfs. Their bodies reminded us to be careful for nothing in Rainbowland was safe.
It has been three months since we had first walked out of the cave to Rainbowland. In that three months, twenty-three had died. I am sure that there are creatures on this god forsaken island that we don't know about. Some of us feel as though we are being watched. By who or what, I do not know. All I hope is that it is the gummy bears.
The children, once happy and carefree, are now quiet and serious. They use to be a bother, but they realized how serious it all was after a young girl named Yuri was mauled by a unicorn.
Rainbowland holds many creatures like unicorns, gummy bears, and dwarfs. None beat the terror of a kraken. We had tried to escape by building a small boat and taking some people to go get help. Unfortunately, it didn't work. Just as the people started to set sail, a huge, black kraken showed up. It hit the boat and sent the people overboard. None died but it increased the fear within our hearts.
We have learned by now that any hope of escape is futile. With the kraken guarding the island, making sure we can't escape; with the horrors that are out to kill us all, we don't stand a chance. Kids and adults alike, we are all scared, but too tough to admit it.
Hopefully, we can get home. Hopefully.
End of chapter
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140,965 Literary Works • 673,797 Reviews
Knight r4 here to review this work. I certainly hope this helps Lost! Happy review day by the way.
I am not quite sure what to think of this story. It seems so fuzzy-wuzzy, three year old like. If you were intending this to be to a younger audience I can understand writing this though I don't think anyone over the age of ten would enjoy it. (No offense intended).
I think you had very good description. But description is NOT enough to make a story. The reason I say that is because there was no dialogue whatsoever. This alright, if like JayeC said this is just a prologue. But but I think that you need to have dialogue once you get into the story. The only problem is that right here you seem to be telling the story not showing it.
I think that this story needs some work. The last thing I thought needed to be addressed is your pacing. This story seemed to move very quickly. I am not really sure how much time passed though I got the impression that at least a week or two went by from start to finish. However you don't really specify. But you need to start slowing the story down.
Once you slow this down and add some characters then you can have more dialogue and interaction in general. So far I am a little disappointed. But this is only the first chapter so there is still hope. I think this could've made into a good children's book with a little revision and hard work. Happy writing!!!
Ps. I am sorry if this sounds harsh. I tried not to give that impression.
Pps. I am sorry if this was a short review but this was a short chapter.
Ppps. I am sorry for reviewing this so long after it was published though I wanted to get a few more points for Salsa Verde. Go green team!!!
If you are going to continue to review, DO NOT REVIEW CHAPTER FIVE FOR IT IS INCOMPLETE.
Yeah, at the moment this story needs a lot of fine tuning. But it's my idea that I love and cherish for its uniqueness and craziness. The reason this isn't a prologue because people like their prologue to be a page or two, while this was four pages.
*Plus this is just an introductory chapter, the pace slows down a lot in the next chapters.
Hi, J.C. here for another review!
First of all I must congratulate you that this is not a book, thus far, about children saving the world. I can't stand these titles due to the impact they are having on society, and none of it is ever plausible anyways. You've included adults as well, and I think that is very important.
This first chapter has a far different feel than the fifth. It almost seems like a Prologue, but that's not anything bad. Though there are a few things I might change personally, overall I still like the way you write. It's not burdensome to read, but nor is it so basic that I would hand it to my four year old. Not that I have one, but you get the point. Like I said in my other review, it's mature enough to be interesting, but simple enough to appeal to all ages.
Giant gummy bears? Who thinks these things up? It fits well with the title, though, and the whimsical style you have, and it definitely is unique. Something which is important to the reader.
And after reading through it again, I didn't find any errors or mistakes that are important, so well done! Quite enjoyable, though a bit weird and freaky.
Thank you lostthought!
Yes, I have the mind of a kindergarten and an adult, so my thoughts tend to blend sometimes (hence childhood setting and adult main characters)
It's a pretty interesting combo.
Timmy here for a review!
I will focus on plot and story line and of course, the delivery of your chapter...
Ok, this was really neat. It seemed like an introduction to me. Telling the story from an omniscient--I think that is the right word--point of view, where its like from a pair of binoculars. We don't get anything leading up to WHO the character is. The one that is telling us the story. We only learn what happened. Why they are there. And if they think they will survive.
I won't do any nitpicking on grammar, punctuation, or the like. You have done an excellent job on that, and there isn't any relevant enough to BAM you on.
First off, you did awesome with delivery. Your style is very nice in this tone, and it delivers the message very clearly. We are on an island surrounded by monsters, and we are going to die. Probably.
My biggest nitpick is one tiny thing that just grated on me for some reason. My inner writing freak that can't stand one certain thing prevailed in this one!
Not a big deal. Not one at all. But for some reason, it stood out for me, as it did for Bloodinkseesfootage... What it was for me happened to be the DIALOGUE smacked in there like chips on a steak... Both are awesome, but they need to be seperated(dumb example
This part seemed ackward to me. Poorly phrased compared to the wonderful phrasing of the rest... But not just that. It lacked something. You say that Rainbowland hold the creatures, but you don't say how terrifying they are... If you say that nothing beats the terror of a kraken, your reader needs to already have an idea of how terrifying the others are. Even a sentence would do. Just something that tells me(the reader) that those animals are vicious, terrifying, etc... To remind us how horrible it is on that land and what the beasts are like.
No more nitpicks
Enough of the nitpicks. I feel bad criticizing an awesome beginning like this.
Like I said before, wonderful pacing. I loved the tension and how you played the whole thing out. For a chapter, it did have fast pacing... but I didn't see it as a chapter. I saw it as an introduction. Correct me if I am wrong, though. That is the impression I got.
Easily the best part for me would have been this.
That part said alot. They all had their purpose. I wonder what his was? To me, it was so that the monsters could have someone to chew on while the others got away. I don't like these people.
Okay. That wasn't a nice part to pull out... but it said alot to me.
Amazing job. Ping me for next one or accept the consequences(which are fifty years on Rainbowland, of course)
~Darth Timmyjake
Hey lost!! Silver here to review your story for you!
Main Points
This would flow much better if you added "that" after "seems"
"Of course" implies that the trip was free for an obvious reason or that the tickets were expected to be free, at this point of your story it just didn't feel right.
Came where?
Again, came where? At this point I'm feeling a little... lost XD
Seeing as you didn't mention another set of trees directly after I would change "Some trees" into "others". When you say "some trees" I'm left waiting for another type of tree to be mentioned.
Gummy Bears!!!!! Yum
Seeing as this gummy bear is pink and the first one was green, I'm going to assume that their different. Seeing as you're introducing a new gummy bear it would be better to say:
Another gummy bear stepped forward.
Otherwise it might get confusing as readers might assume it was the same bear as before.
The rest of the chapter seems to be in past tense but this is in present. Be careful and make sure that you stick to one.
I found this statement a little strange but it may just be you foreshadowing something later on so I'll keep a look out for why the MC prefers being stalked by gummy bears.
Overall I really liked this! It's a really enjoyable story to read. It's like the fantasies of my childhood gone wrong. Strangely enough this has a zombie apocalypse feel but with like gummy bears and unicorns. It'll be interesting to see where you take this. I also like your style of writing, there's quite a prominent voice in your writing. Well done so far! Keep it up and happy writing!!
Silverlock
Hey Losty!!! I’m here for saging. (Like Robin Hobb’s Forging, just much deadlier)
I will structure my review around three things. Your plot, your dialogue, and your descriptions. I will throw in some grammatical nitpicks.
I really like this first chapter. It is like a leaf from the diary of a seven year old, and you pulled it off well, including all the grammatical errors (which I will nitpick later, but it will be up to you to choose to keep it or not).
You have a very fast-paced plot. First, the Main Character (Henceforth MC) was at home, had an invitation, had a trip to an island, followed by a hike to the cave, a betrayal, gummy bears attacking, unicorns attacking, dwarves attacking, and krakens attacking. Most of these events were mentioned in passing, but how many chapters could these plot lines fill? I would say at least three chapters of two thousand words. Hey, you do have a Last Man Standing Challenge to write for! So I would advise you to slow down the plot. I will show how in the next two sections.
Your dialogue is really neat where you have it, like the old man complaining, but lacking where it is most wanted. Where are the mothers crying out for their children, children for their mothers? DId the rest of the children show awe at the sight of gummy bears? But let’s go directly to the lines you did write, and let go of the lines you did not write.
I like this dialogue a lot. It can be improved though. Firstly, “You are important” is a full sentence, so separate it to make his speech more powerful. Try reading this out loud. You will find that when you place the last three words at the end in a full sentence, it is more powerful! Why don’t he hold out a brochure during his little speech for effect? That would be cool.
This is more grammatical than otherwise, but the masked man seems to have problems speaking properly. I like this a lot if it is intentional, hate it if it is not. His thoughts seem to come out skittery. Try speaking his dialogue line and editing it. I would suggest: “Even codfishes have their uses. They are quite delicious. Maybe, you could be bait! Good luck, goodbye!”
Let’s move on to description. So you have this interesting plot, some good dialogue, but you describe like someone who’s seen all the world at a glance and couldn’t be bothered to share his views with anyone. You have great descriptions of the gummy bears, and I really like it, but let’s just take an example from the end. The kraken and the boat.
How does the kraken look like? What about the boat? Shouldn't the main character have some say or part in the making of it? Who planned it, the kids? Which trees were used? What about defences?
I really like where this story is heading despite my many questions and snarky comments!
Have fun racing the challenge!
Yeah, I'm working out the kinks. It would last longer
you haven't even see the dragons try!so you don't have to worry along those lines. I've been told on my other stories that my dialogue and how people would be reacting have a load of room to improve. I was in a hurry for this one (a page was soaked and I barely saved it).Try not to murder a lemon next time I see you!
Also, it's not so fast if you remember it happened over a 3 month time.
Nice!
Hey! XD
Well I was expecting a very traditional story opening here: 'Once, everyone had a normal life...' Like the whole 'once upon a time' thing. But still cool.
You have an interesting writing style that alternates between large-ish passages of description interspersed with small amounts of dialogue. I think this unbalances the work slightly, but it is still pleasurable to read.
As with here: 'She whispered, "Gummy bears. Big, big gummy bears." A gummy bear stepped forward. Its skin was a bright pink. It smelled faintly of strawberries. It raised its paw as if in greeting. What happened next was not too friendly. It roared and the rest charged at us.'
Also, I cannot be prejudiced against this work because I am a massive Gummy bears fan. XD LOL
You have a cute premise here and I really like this.
Well done.
~BSF
Hi there its fallen :3 let's start off with the positives? I have to admit when I read the title I thought it was going to be a mlp fan fiction or some sort like that but was actually quite surprised to see it wasn't, it was about an island that wasn't all that was cracked up to be. I enjoyed how you first started off in third person where you just described what happened it helped in your advantage. Next, I enjoyed the tour guy in the mask although I wonder where he went off to? an why the gummy bears or unicorns did not attack him like the rest. I enjoyed how during the beginning you described everything now to much not to little just right. Although it seemed you rushed through the middle whether that's the case or not maybe try to describe it more through the middle? how did they survive in the cave? did they go out at night? Did they hunt the creatures or gather? How did the creatures attack them? was it random attacked or did the beast have stragity? these are a few questions that pop in the readers mind. Next, I did enjoy the kraken and the gummy bear scenes in the ending and beginning because your description and the way that you made them come to alive was a thrill to read. Overall, A very nice read and a very good story that I can't wait to keep reading.
Keep writing.
~Fallen