Poem of the Prisoner

Hello Lord Gluzman!


We'll start with the bad, shall we? And then we'll go on to the good.

First things first, your structure. This poem has no definite form, or pattern. You start with four-line stanzas, have a couple of those, then switch to 5 lines, stick there for a bit, then switch to 8, and then back to four. Then you have 6, then 8, then 7, then 8.
There's no pattern there at all, no consistency. You need to decide whether you're maybe going switch back and forth between two lengths, maybe make your stanzas gradually longer a line at a time, or something, that you stick to throughout the entire poem.


Next we have your rhyme scheme. I want to point something out that I cannot stress enough: rhyming is not essential to a poem. This may or may not be something you are aware of; but regardless, there are many poems which have no rhyming whatsoever.
Now, that is not to say that you shouldn't rhyme. But in this poem, you have problems with your rhyme scheme. As with the structure, your problem is consistency. You throw in a pair of rhyming lines here, and there, sandwich a whole bunch of non-rhyming lines in the middle, and say "ta da! A rhyming poem!" Unfortunately, it's not that simple. If only, if only. What I said before I will say again: you must have consistency.
Tell yourself, 'I will have two rhyming lines, one not, then two rhyming lines. New stanza. Two rhyming lines, one not, then two rhyming lines,' and so on. Or any number of other patterns, as long as you stick with one and only one.

There's one more thing about rhyming I'd like to discuss. I mentioned that is not necessarily necessary, no? Well, this is true. When you rhyme, it is often difficult to come up with natural-sounding rhymes, rhymes which do not sound forced, rhymes that just happen. In quite a few cases here you have no difficulty with that. But there are a few trouble spots.
For instance:

From the chest of the cage stone
My eyes are blown

My neck gets broken
But I forgave myself and that’s a token

As I hear the fathers say
My child you did the rite thing

I hear him say
My child you did the rite thing
Don’t be scared of death
You will soon be with me
I forgive you because you forgive yourself

I hear a guard say
Tonight your execution will start

I see a soul saying I forgive you for killing me

I hear him saying
My son start praying
The pain will fade away
But you most swear
That next time you make a decision you must care

When we were kids
We played pushing in the snow
Life flew fast like the white predator crow
We did mistakes and forgave our selves

My goodness!!! This is truely something else! I'm completely blown away by this, it's incredible, you better send soemthing like this to a poetry contest!!!! Your the best! Ilove this piece it's just. OMG! wonderful haha.

-Max

This was different and interesting because it was from the viewpoint of a prisioner. I think if you added punctuation though, it would be way easier to understand and read. But good job.

Whoa. That was interesting. Religious sacrifice for his sins. Totally unique.*gold star*

What more can I say, but you words blended together perfectly, like they were made for each other. I liked it...


So....AWESOME JOB!!!!

I enjoyed reading this! I like the Medieval feel it's got; not only that, but it was unique, and I'm all for originality XD.

I was really into it until I hit the last two stanzas; they seem a bit too rushed/confusing.
Also, you shouldn't feel compelled to rhyme, because it will seem forced and a little strained to the reader.

Hey there lordgluzman! This is a very intriguing poem, and it has a good general idea to it, but there are some things I must point out.

Your readers need more insight to what this murderer is seeing, feeling, tasting, and hearing. Get us inside this mans/woman's head.. Also, you need much more details! I couldn't even tell that this was before the current time until the 9th stanza, and that is never a good sign.

I personally think you should make this killer just a little bit more guilty, you know what I mean? Make him angry. He murdered one of his friends. He must be cold blooded. Show it. It would make the poem a lot more interesting if you made this killer actually seem like he was able to commit murder. He sounds so innocent!

I noticed that the lines in each stanza stayed the same until the third stanza, then it started to grow, and the rhyme scheme totally changed. You must have consistency within poetry, otherwise, its just a story. Also, the rhymes in your story seemed a little forced. You must have flowing rhymes for it to be able to sound perfect.



Don't get me wrong, I really loved reading this poem, there were just a few mistakes throughout the poem that need fixing. Also, if i were you, I would check out some of the spelling in the poem too.

Thanks for the fun read!


*Princess*

PUNCTUATION....... Robert when you get back to Finland I'll make you punctuate your every last song and poem.

The crow thing is really true, but I think I might have done so myself, so I can't blame you.
But you should have made the crow more symbolic, now the crow was only one word with the others. In the poem, the word that you made most symbolic was God, (which is understandable.) but it was almost like the only word.

Give the words more meaning, make us feel them.

Amazing like nothing Ive ever read before. Great job I'm speechless lol your poem was a unique read. Beautifully done.

k- so my computer is fized now (finaly)- and so i'm back and running- this is the first

poem i read from you since like two months ago and i have to day dam good job bro
by far this poem is the best one because its the longest one and it (i guess)

Truly does sound like the medevil age or however you spell that- Awsome Rob- keep it

up with the kick ass poems

THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE HAS FAILED YOU!!!!!

Please, don't write with the intention to rhyme, make it be a pleasant accident. If we were speaking italian, rhyming would be a synch, but sadly, we're english and there aren't enough words that rhyme with "snow" lol that "crow" bit didn't suit the poem at all. Sorry dearie, try re-writing it and cutting out all those nonsense rhyming bits that aren't needed and trust me, there are a lot.

-YATTA!

Robert... Don't argue with the critics!!!!

But anywayz...

GREAT WORK, I believe it's your best till now. It is intense. (one of my poems has about the same idea as this one, but it isn't as intense though.)

But now back to work..

PUNCTUATION....... Robert when you get back to Finland I'll make you punctuate your every last song and poem.

The crow thing is really true, but I think I might have done so myself, so I can't blame you.
But you should have made the crow more symbolic, now the crow was only one word with the others. In the poem, the word that you made most symbolic was God, (which is understandable.) but it was almost like the only word.

Give the words more meaning, make us feel them.


Good work though.
Well done

*********************************************************************************

~~LORD ANZIUS~~ WUZ HERE**

oneeyedunicornhunter wrote:

lordgluzman wrote:Poem of the Prisoner

As I lay in a cage
I heart is beating with rage
I still have the shame
Who am I to blame

"I heart is beating with rage"?
Punctuation is important...but I don't see any.
The first line could be "As I lay in this cage"...it makes it much more personal, no?
Not a very impressive first stanza.

When we were kids
We played pushing in the snow
Life flew fast like a crow
We did mistakes and forgave our selves

Ugh. I hate being brutal, but this is even worse.
"Life flew fast like a crow"? Crows don't fly all that fast, in my experience...you're using words just to rhyme.
Change "did" to "made"...?

I know I murdered
But I don’t have the courage to forgive myself
I can’t find myself I’m hidden in the shelf
I lost my heart
Know I believe that I can’t start

I really have no idea what you're saying here, except for "I lost my heart".

I dig a pinky size hole
From the chest of the cage stone
My eyes are blown
The light is so clear
But when I look at God I fear

Once again you're rhyming at your own expense. Still makes no sense.

I hear him saying
My son start praying
The pain will fade away
But you most swear
That next time you make a decision you must care

I only look back and pray
I would die
That my sins would fade away
Follow to the heaven way
That my family wouldn’t live on my sin
See my murdered friend again
Ask for forgiveness
And end my sickness

As the year pass’s
My pain crashes
I forgive myself
I fined myself on the shelf



On the Christmas day
I hear a guard say
Tonight you r execution will start
My fear grows
My heart blows
But I remembered I asked God for this


As I walk through the monstrous jail
My eyes get blinded by the light yellow Sun
I hear Gods voice and my heart begins to stun
I hear him say
My child you did a rite thing
Don’t be scared of death
You will soon be with me
I forgive you because you forgive yourself

As I hear the fathers say
My child you did a rite thing
I feel my head being stuck inside a rope ring
I know that I am going to die as the drums play
As the people are throwing at me hard rock stones
Just before death pushes me of the bucket
I see a soul saying I forgive you for killing me

I now know it’s the time
I will be far away from my crime
My ear hears a hard push
I feel myself falling slowly in the air
The crowd begins to stare
Until there is a hard struck
My neck gets broken
But I forgave myself and that’s a token

Alright. I gave up. I can barely understand what you're trying to say.

I could go on and on, describing everything that's wrong with this poem, but just reading it was painful. I've mentioned a few things for you to improve upon. I believe the ideas behind the poem were good, but the expression needs serious refining.

Unless this whole time it was meant to be bad, to reflect the narrator. In which case I can only say that this is not my type of poem.

lordgluzman wrote:Poem of the Prisoner

As I lay in a cage
I heart is beating with rage
I still have the shame
Who am I to blame

When we were kids
We played pushing in the snow
Life flew fast like a crow
We did mistakes and forgave our selves

I know I murdered
But I don’t have the courage to forgive myself
I can’t find myself I’m hidden in the shelf
I lost my heart
Know I believe that I can’t start

I dig a pinky size hole
From the chest of the cage stone
My eyes are blown
The light is so clear
But when I look at God I fear

I hear him saying
My son start praying
The pain will fade away
But you most swear
That next time you make a decision you must care

I only look back and pray
I would die
That my sins would fade away
Follow to the heaven way
That my family wouldn’t live on my sin
See my murdered friend again
Ask for forgiveness
And end my sickness

As the year pass’s
My pain crashes
I forgive myself
I fined myself on the shelf



On the Christmas day
I hear a guard say
Tonight you r execution will start
My fear grows
My heart blows
But I remembered I asked God for this


As I walk through the monstrous jail
My eyes get blinded by the light yellow Sun
I hear Gods voice and my heart begins to stun
I hear him say
My child you did a rite thing
Don’t be scared of death
You will soon be with me
I forgive you because you forgive yourself

As I hear the fathers say
My child you did a rite thing
I feel my head being stuck inside a rope ring
I know that I am going to die as the drums play
As the people are throwing at me hard rock stones
Just before death pushes me of the bucket
I see a soul saying I forgive you for killing me

I now know it’s the time
I will be far away from my crime
My ear hears a hard push
I feel myself falling slowly in the air
The crowd begins to stare
Until there is a hard struck
My neck gets broken
But I forgave myself and that’s a token

Holy crap that was intense, that was absolutely incredible. Can't say it any other way can't sit here and write a huge lesson on it. Just speechless mind blowing everything that was incredible.

wow.... *speechless*. I never was one for poetry but this is something else :O.

Still it must be reviewed and so I begin (keep in mind that whatever mistakes are mention the poem is increadable):

I heart is beating with rage

I fined myself on the shelf

Tonight you r execution will start

My child you did a rite thing

Don’t be scared of death

You will soon be with me

I forgive you because you forgive yourself