The crack of thunder that rattled Mrs. Coulson’s small log cabin sent a jolt through Charlotte Vanderbilt’s body, waking her up from her momentary slumber on the Coulsons’ leather loveseat. Charlotte sat up quickly, as if she was struck by lightning. A fresh breeze blew through the open window, so Charlotte closed it quickly. She sat and listened to the rain pound against the tin roof of the cabin. Then, she looked around the living room to find nothing but the uppity furniture that was in the house when she arrived just hours before and a trail of blood. Charlotte got up quickly to find the two mischievous boys that she was babysitting.
Charlotte followed the trail around the house only to find Marcus, the youngest of the two boys, sitting on the kitchen floor, sobbing into a puddle of red surrounding him like a moat. Charlotte quickly tried to get his attention and ask what was wrong, but when Marcus looked up, all she could see was the long gash coming from the bottom of Marcus’s right eye to the corner of his lip. Charlotte rushed over with a paper towel she had grabbed to apply pressure to Marcus’s wound. Marcus stayed put, rocking back and forth against the wood floor.
“Marcus, what happened? How did you get cut?” Charlotte asked over and over until her voice started to hurt. Marcus fixed his gaze on something just behind her, and his eyes trailed back over to her.
Charlotte slowly turned around to find Rob, the eldest boy, holding a sharp knife with blood oozing down the side. She took one step back, then another. All in one motion, Rob grabbed the knife and slid it down Charlotte’s belly.
Then he whispered into her ear, “The woods demand a sacrifice”.
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This was a story I had to write for creative writing that had to be under 300 words! So I apologize if it's missing details towards the end, I had to cut things! Please give me suggestions or help me edit it!
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141,380 Literary Works • 674,384 Reviews
Hooky spooky hello!
This is an amazing story that will leave you in a deep state of suspense. I find it quite remarkable that you were able to create a suspenseful horror story in less than 300 words. You should be very proud of yourself, because you absolutely nailed the assignment.
You didn't give much away about the character Charlotte, but she seems to be a rather kind and loving woman. So it is wonderful how you managed to create such a frightening moment for her.
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"The crack of thunder that rattled Mrs. Coulson’s small log cabin sent a jolt through Charlotte Vanderbilt’s body, waking her up from her momentary slumber on the Coulsons’ leather loveseat. Charlotte sat up quickly, as if she was struck by lightning. A fresh breeze blew through the open window, so Charlotte closed it quickly. She sat and listened to the rain pound against the tin roof of the cabin. Then, she looked around the living room to find nothing but the uppity furniture that was in the house when she arrived just hours before and a trail of blood."
*
I love the way you describe Mr. Coulson's "creepy" looking house with the trail of blood that makes the reader even more interested in finding out what happened. And not to forget the thunder, which probably scared the crap out of the squirrels outside.
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"Charlotte followed the trail around the house only to find Marcus, the youngest of the two boys, sitting on the kitchen floor, sobbing into a puddle of red surrounding him like a moat. Charlotte quickly tried to get his attention and ask what was wrong, but when Marcus looked up, all she could see was the long gash coming from the bottom of Marcus’s right eye to the corner of his lip."
*
There are some people who immediately want to grab a bucket to puke in when reading about bloody red blood. But not me, the way you described "the puddle of red" and the "long gash" is just a specific use of words that creates a vivid image in the readers mind.
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"Charlotte slowly turned around to find Rob, the eldest boy, holding a sharp knife with blood oozing down the side. She took one step back, then another. All in one motion, Rob grabbed the knife and slid it down Charlotte’s belly."
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(Gasps) Goodness gracious! Plot twist alert!
Rob did this? What the bloody red blood!
This is taking a very, very dark turn, and yet I'm overly curious to see what happens next.
And after this sentence: "Then he whispered in her ear, 'The woods demand a sacrifice.'" I'm just totally caught up in the suspense.
I am a big fan of horror stories myself, and am currently writing one (The Dark Truth on YWS). So there was no way I was going to miss out on this horror story.
You did a great job writing this story and I really hope you will continue it.
A very spooky goodbye,
Rose
https://rosewriting12.blogspot.com/
i like how you chose Charlotte to be the main characters name. i really like the name Charlotte. i will say, i was a bit confused in some areas and i felt that you were a bit too fast. then again, it couldnt be helped if you were trying to make a story under three hundred words. but how did Rob get possessed? why do the woods demand a sacrifice? i think, this is just a suggestion, that maybe you should make a longer version of the story so that we get all sides. and maybe make multiple twist endings? if you have enough points, im sure you could do that. im really interested on how Rob got possessed and what the woods have to do it. bye bye!
Hello there!
I would like to say that overall, I enjoyed this story. The first paragraph, in my opinion, was a bit slow. However, it helped set the scene for the rest of the story, so in retrospect, it was helpful. I think a slower reveal to the trail of blood would better set the mood, and keep the reader on the edge of their seat.
The introduction to the two brothers is sort of fast, and I found myself rereading the second and third paragraphs a few times so that I could better understand what was going on. Maybe, to make the introduction to these characters faster and easier to understand, you could have the sitter call their names?
The twist at the end was amazing. It gave me chills.
Hi!
This was a great story!
I really loved how you made the story so spooky.
However, i fell like it should scare her more that there is a trail of blood on the floor.
I would have freaked out!
So i wish you would put in like,
Suddenly she saw a blood trail on the floor and almost fell backwards, or something.
But otherwise, great story! Continue writing!
Fantascifi
Hi there! I love love love the idea for this story. However, some of the sentences feel very choppy. For example, the lines "A fresh breeze blew through the open window, so Charlotte closed it quickly. She sat and listened to the rain pound against the tin roof of the cabin. Then, she looked around the living room to find nothing but the uppity furniture that was in the house when she arrived just hours before and a trail of blood." have the potential to make the reader feel chills down their spine. I'm not completely sure why these lines feel so choppy to me, but that's just my opinion. Also, you should continue this story! Maybe not for your class since it can only be 300 words, but for yourself or for readers here! I, for one, would absolutely love to see where this story goes, and if you continue it, you can spread the story out a little more and give more background and build up, which I think will really help your story reach it's potential!
Hi there Lokislove.
I really loved this short story. I know it feels to have a certain amount of words a story has to be under. I once had to do one which was under 250 which was a struggle as when I start writing I can't stop.
It is short however quite thrilling.
Is there any other pieces like this of yours, it is soooo good
Keep writing like this and you'll get recognised by a publisher which could lead to a great career.
If you can plz read my first blog - Losing my brother.
Thank you! I haven't done any other pieces like this though! I've got another assignment (Actually I have four that I need to catch up on), so I might upload those whenever I have enough coins!
I'll get to reading your blog post ASAP!
Hi there,
OHH-EMM-GEE, this story is very short and yet quite scary and excellently written. I loved the way you made good choice with the words such as "pound" to describe rain and "jolt" to describe the babysitter's shivering body.
This story actually reminded me of the Halloween movies that I've only very recently seen. It's good that this 300-word story managed to scary me
Great job, please keep writing!
Thank you! <3
Overall, the concept of the story is really good. It is very challenging to write a story in under 300 words, but you did it really well. I really liked the unexpected ending.
Overall, the piece seemed a little rushed, which is completely understandable considering the word constraints. I would suggest condensing the beginning more if you ever need to shorten a piece of writing because the ending is how you leave the reader, so it's very important not to rush that part.
I would also suggest that you vary the sentence structure more. For example,
"Charlotte followed the trail around the house only to find Marcus, the youngest of the two boys, sitting on the kitchen floor, sobbing into a puddle of red surrounding him like a moat. Charlotte quickly tried to get his attention and ask what was wrong, but when Marcus looked up, all she could see was the long gash coming from the bottom of Marcus’s right eye to the corner of his lip. Charlotte rushed over with a paper towel she had grabbed to apply pressure to Marcus’s wound. "
In this paragraph, three consecutive sentences start with the same word. Maybe something like : The trail of blood led Charlotte around the house, only to find Marcus, the younger of the boys on the kitchen floor. He sobbed loudly into the puddle of red surrounding him. Charlotte approached cautiously, trying to get his attention. The boy's head turned to face her revealing a large gash running down the side of his face. She gasped, hastily grabbing a paper towel to treat the wound.
This is also a little shorter. A big part of flash fiction is learning how to condense without leaving out important details. It takes a lot of practice, but you did very well in this story.
Lastly, I would suggest using the technique of show don't tell. Instead of describing a character's actions, you can imply them. This is oftentimes shorter as well, which will help you if your writing has a word limit.
Overall, great job. Hope you have a great day!
Thank you for the suggestions! I will definitely make some edits based on this before I turn it in for our final grade!
Hiya, lokislove! Just dropping in for a quick review. As this piece is so short, I'm just going to comment on bits of it as I read and tell you what I liked and what could be improved.
As first lines go, this is pretty wordy, so this would be a good place to start if you're looking to cut the piece down. Remember that you're writing flash fiction, so you only need to give the details that are absolutely necessary. Do we need to know that the protagonist is called Charlotte Vanderbilt? Why not just Charlotte? Or even just 'her' - I've written a lot of flash fiction where you never even learn the viewpoint character's name. I don't think we need to know that the log cabin belongs to the Coulsons, either.
Try to get to the heart of the point more quickly. What are you really saying here? What do we really need to know? That some thunder has woken a woman up. Consider if you had something like this as an opening line:
A clap of thunder woke her.
It's just a suggestion, but sentences like this get the reader straight into the story. There's less confusion because we don't have to sort out names in our heads, and simplicity is a great way to grab the reader's attention.
The blood isn't foregrounded enough in the narrative, considering what an unnerving sight it must be for her. Try to draw more attention to it - show her glancing round over chairs and chintz and china figurines and-- she stops. Sees something gleaming against the wooden floor. When she puts her fingers to it, they come away red. Show her reaction - how she stares and her chest tightens.
I'd quite like to see her actual, word-for-word dialogue here. I think it would be more evocative, and bring us closer to the scene.
Ooh, now there's a twist! I've got two questions, though:
1) How did Rob 'grab' the knife when it's already in his hand? Do you mean that he lunged with the knife, perhaps?
2) I find it a little difficult to picture where Rob is positioned relative to Charlotte. If she takes two steps back, how did Rob manage to stab her so easily, without moving any closer to her? You could probably fix this by indicating that Rob dived towards her first, though I still think there should be a bit of a struggle.
So, that's it for my more specific points, so I'll give you some of my overall thoughts. I quite liked this! For the most part, I think you've captured the spirit of flash fiction, where you give us the briefest snapshot of something much bigger. I don't think it was too rushed towards the end, though I do think you should cut some of the unnecessary exposition in the first paragraph and maybe use those words to focus more on Charlotte's discovery of the blood. You're not far off, though.
I quite like the punch of the last line, but it does feel quite cliché. Spooky woods and log cabins aren't exactly uncommon tropes, nor are sacrificial killings. This is your story, so I'm not going to push you towards an alternative, but it would be great if you brainstormed a few more ideas as to what might motivate Rob to murder. An allusion to something more original would elevate this story from an entertaining one to a great one.
That said, your writing style is pretty clean and cohesive, your grammar is good, and you held my attention. It's got the bones of a good piece, it just needs some tinkering here and there.
Hope this helps! Keep writing!
~Pan
OMG! Thanks Pan! I didn't even notice some of the errors that I made! Thank you for pointing them out and making suggestions! I will definitely use them to try to make my story better!