Published November 9, 2017
I fall, paper flies everywhere
No stops to help, everyone is in a rush.
I am invisible, see through, transparent.
Beside me she trips, her books go everywhere,
Everyone stops, the world would stop for her.
But never me, I'll always be the shadow,
Lost in a world of paper.
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140,890 Literary Works • 673,702 Reviews
Hiya there. Pastel here for a hopefully helpful review full of rambling!
I can relate to both people in this poem - in some places I go through what the narrator is stating, and sometimes I go through what the other person is going through. So I feel sort of a deeper connection to this poem as I can relate to both of the characters here, so with that fact itself, I enjoy it a lot.
Your wording was pretty blunt and straight to the point with the emotion - your feeling of being tucked away and invisible while someone else gets all of the attention seems to get stronger and stronger after every time you read it again.
The only complaint I have is that, as Londone said, your rhyming is a bit shaky. The words went well together, but the feeling that it went together 100%...just really wasn't there. I don't know if it was the rhyming, but I'm going along with what another reviewer stated.
Well, that's the end of this review. Hopefully, I was helpful in any way and my apologies if it wasn't helpful!
- Pastel
Hullo livvydah! Cat here to review this lovely poem in the spirit of review day! Okay then, here we go!
I fall, paper flies everywhere
First, let's go through your poem together (Anything in bold is my comments/suggestions/grammar help):
Spoiler
Noone stops to help, everyone is in a rush.
I am invisible, see through, transparent. (I also feel like this sometimes)
Beside me she trips, her books go everywhere,
Everyone stops, the world would stop for her.
But never me, I'll always be the shadow,
Lost in a world of paper.
What I liked: I love all the emotions you packed into this poem! Also, your flow, imagery, and relatableness are on point!
What to fix grammar/spelling wise: Everything looks good!
Plot holes/confusing stuff: Nothing, it was amazing!
Other random comments: Wow, I can't believe how relatable this is!
Well anyways, awesome poem! Good job and keep writing!
Thanks for sharing this beautiful poem. How often do we ask ourselves that very question-why are others so fortunate and not us. The world is an unfair place to live in where some seem to have been born blessed. If it isn't money, then it's looks or talent or just plain good luck that seems to follow them like some obedient puppy.
The poem illustrates this bitter reality very well by the comparison of two opposite reactions to an identical misfortune, tripping and having books and papers fly everywhere. One is ignored as if invisible, while the other gets all the humane attention that everyone deserves.
Suggestion
I have only one suggestion:
"But never for me." Otherwise the meaning can be unclear. It could mean that yiou would never stop for her.
Hello, livvydah! Welcome to WYS! I'm Londy (Or Londone more formally) and I'm here for a review.
I liked this poem, and I liked your use of imagery. I kind of felt sad while reading it over again, and I felt your loneliness and dislike of being tucked away while another gains all the attention. You feel in the shadows, lost, and alone. This is a simple way of expressing your emotions and you did it well.
Overall, there's not much to say negatively about this poem. It's simple, it's straight foward, and it does a lot for the human mind, putting themselves into your situation.
One note I would have is that your rhythm is shaky. Though the words were strung together perfectly, the repetition of 'beat' I was looking for wasn't there.
You should feel very proud of yourself. I enjoyed this a lot.
Londone