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E - Everyone

b r e a t h e

by liveandbreathewords


and suddenly, it hits me

at 2 am;

like a deer in headlights,

i can only watch what’s coming.

~

there was plenty of warning,

i knew it was coming.

i had prepared myself,

even.

~

despite all that,

it really just hit me that you’ll

be gone

for a long time.

~

it’s like the ocean has

finally calmed, but the

second i turn my back

the waves crash down all around

~

me, suffocating me and

drowning me in the

truth just like

a sharp slap to the face.

~

it’s like the snowball fight

has just been declared finished,

and one last snowball

comes flying at my face,

~

the sting of the cold

making me gasp

and wonder where

it had come from.

~

you never know how bad

a natural disaster is

until you’ve seen the

aftermath,

~

until you can

see the absences that

are left in your everyday

world.

~

it’s all just a blur,

seen through teary

eyes and

hasty goodbyes.

~

and all of a sudden,

it’s getting harder

and

harder

~

for

me

to

b r e a t h e


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22 Reviews


Points: 295
Reviews: 22

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Mon Sep 14, 2015 12:22 am
Cairo wrote a review...



This was beautiful! I really appreciated the imagery in this, honestly - wow. You got your point across and then some, it's very beautiful. I loved it because it focused on a kind of loss we've all experienced besides death (although I'm sure you could probably apply this poem and some of what it says to the idea of loss due to death). The narrator's emotions were conveyed beautifully.

"me, suffocating me and

drowning me in the

truth just like

a sharp slap to the face."

Beautiful. Honestly, I loved this stanza. I have nothing more to say about it than that haha.

To be honest, I am a fan of both repetition and feel sometimes ending on weak words can be just as powerful as ending on a strong verb or noun; I feel like here, the weakness may help with the overall feeling of the poem (in response to other reviews). I do agree with formatting comments however, and wonder if there is a better or more professional way to present this? The ~ and the centralizing, is it all necessary?

Anyhow, good job! I loved reading this and I definitely want to read more from you, it was fantastic. I LOVED the way you spaced out 'b r e a t h e' and feel it was a great, strong way to end, which is awesome because weak endings drive me crazy. Good job!

-Cairo




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Sun Sep 13, 2015 10:35 pm
bernardo23 wrote a review...



Deleted for review spam.




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245 Reviews


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Sun Sep 13, 2015 2:33 am
ChocolateCello wrote a review...



Hey! Cello here for a quick review!

Wow, this was powerful. Your descriptions were so beautiful, so perfect and they really had me feeling what the speaker (You) were feeling. I was missing this person I don't even know. Usually, to get into emotions like this (For either acting or writing) I really have to force myself into the character but I picked up these feelings to easily, so simply, because of how well it was written.

Minor thing- You repeat words a lot. I didn't notice this until my second read (Editing read) so really it's not a big deal but I'd thought I point it out.
"i can only watch what’s coming."
"i knew it was coming."
Not only is it repeating, bit it's kind of contradicting itself. If a 'deer caught in the headlights' knew what was coming, they wouldn't have to stand there watching, they would have avoided it. Yes, I know that's kind of part of this whole poem, but just changing the wording is all I suggest. 'I knew it was going to happen' Hm. Maybe not, I like your wording better. Okay, whatever, moving on.
'and suddenly, it hits me'
'it really just hit me that you’ll'
The first line kind of stuck in my head (Which is a good thing) so even though you said 'hit' again much later it stood out to me. I don't know how to change this, fix it, so I'm honestly not that helpful. I feel like a bit of a cheat 'Do this. I don't know how. Just figure it out." but I trust that you'll find a way, you're clearly a good writer.
(Another thing 'hit' and 'hits' You seem to be changing tenses a bit throughout the poem but it reads comfortably and all fits together nicely so it was probably meant to be like that)

I'm usually telling people to always capitalize the title, making the work look more professional even if the writing is never capitalized, but I think you're title it great. The spacing makes it work.

Keep up the good work!
-ChocolateCello




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Sat Sep 12, 2015 3:51 pm
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi there, liveandbreathewords! Niteowl here to review this poem.

I understand this feeling and I can definitely relate to it. My Yia-Yia (grandma) was diagnosed with cancer about a year ago and passed away in January. Both before she died and since, I've had moments where I'm just carrying on and all of a sudden I realize I'll never see her again and that grief just hits me. I know it's not quite the same situation as in your poem, but I can relate to the emotions, which is good!

That said, I have some suggestions for improvement.

1) The formatting. I'll be honest: when I see a piece all centered like this with some really odd line breaks, I'm skeptical about the content of the piece. Yes, the poet can do whatever he or she wants, but oftentimes the formatting takes over and the words don't stand up all that well on your own.

As a side note, I'm assuming you're using the ~ to make stanza breaks in the annoying text editor. Check out some less intrusive ways to do that here: How to Format Poetry. I think this would be much easier to read without those in the way.

2) Metaphors and Imagery. There are a lot of metaphors in here, some better than others. I like the ocean one in the fourth and fifth stanzas, but then the piece just jumps around to snowballs and natural disasters and vague statements like "the absences that are left in your everyday world." As a result, I feel like I don't get a sense of what you are losing, the loss of your friend that drove you to write this.

To make this stronger, I would have more specific imagery about the friendship itself. For example, you start off strong with a specific image (waking up at 2 am), but then you go right into a cliche (deer in headlights). Why not instead show us something you'll be losing, an image to tell us about this friendship? For my own example (losing my grandmother), I'll think about the food she used to cook for us and how I'll never have it again (or at least, it won't be as good).

On your line breaks, there's a lot that end on weak words. For example

it’s like the ocean has

finally calmed, but the

second i turn my back


until you can

see the absences that


I consider the words in bold weak ending words. Usually, you want to end on a strong word like a verb or noun, as the ending words are going to stick in the reader's mind the most. It's possible you were doing this intentionally to create a choppy feel, but I think it would be more jarring to flow naturally for most of the poem and then use odd breaks at key points (like "the waves crash down all around/me")

Overall, I could really relate to the emotion in this, but I think it needs less metaphors and more about the actual friendship. Keep writing! :)




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Sat Sep 12, 2015 3:43 pm
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Vivian wrote a review...



Hey, Viv here to do a review. For one thing, I really love this poem. It's got a nice flow, great similes and manages to be very descriptive of your sorrow. Having a friend who recently moved back to her home country, I can relate to your sadness. On the other hand, for a person who cannot relate your wording allows them to sort of feel in sense, what you feel. Um, it might just be me but I don't think you need the periods granted you have chosen the method of writing without capitalization, which is cool. Sorrow knows know rules, especially grammatical. Your formatting was also great which in one of the reason why I have nothing to criticize. Congratulations, you have written a flawless poem that fully described the your shock and sadness.
Viv, out. :) ;)





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