z

Young Writers Society


12+

wolf whistler

by lilytig50


1832: "Men gather your wits, for this battle not all of us will come out of alive! Those of you that do not wish to fight for a glorious end LEAVE! But if you dare set yourself into my sight again I will not treat you like every other man on this land, you will no longer be one of the Creek tribes blood! We fight for our dignity and freedom men, this is the last chance we have to free our loved once!" The men cheered but their nervousness was Hurd within the uproar. Everyone of the men knew where he stood could lead to his death but they were all doing it to save their lives. The lives they had with their families and friends. 

"Today is the day we show the white skins that they cannot take our land and they cannot destroy our lives without blood spill. We will show them how we can protect our home!!" About her cheer ran out but it fell silent when the men started climbing to the first hill that led to the valley below. The tribe were standing on top of the second hill, forcing their enemies to go below them before climbing up to meet them. The white skins were led by a man with a red feather sticking out of the hard black hat he wore. He wore green clothes with gold circles, loads of them covering his chest. He stood straight and had a vicious look on his face, ready to slice open each and every one of the men on the opposite side of the valley. Every white skin held a long brown thing in his hand, None of the tribe knew what they were but they all knew if one went bang you got to get out of the way, if you had time. A few of them had been hit and none of them had suvived. The white skins were gathering on the top of the hill, more and more were climbing to the top. Soon there were a few hundred and probably more just out of sight. They seems a little annoyed that they would have to go into the valley to face the fight but the still held themselves tall as if this was just a little chore that had to be done. This just made the Indians angrier. 

Time dragged by and the white skins finally started to decent down into the valley after trying to hit the Indians with their bitting poles. The Indians hadn't even started slacking and were ready for the soldiers as the came springing down the hill. Their spears sliced down upon the wave of men cutting into flesh, pinning men to the ground. The fierce ball of the soldiers guns roared and the battle began...

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498 Reviews

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Sun Mar 08, 2015 8:09 am
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Que wrote a review...



Hi. I feel like this is more of a beginning to a story, but it could be very good. I like the Native American/Indian point of view, it's a nice change to see things in a different way. In the second paragraph, I think "They seems a little annoyed" should be replaced either with "they seem" or "they seemed". Also, "About her cheer ran out"? I'm not sure what you meant there, possibly "Another cheer rang out"? In the last paragraph, the sentence "The fierce ball of the soldiers guns roared" is rather confusing, and you would need an apostrophe for soldiers so that it would be "soldiers' guns".
Other than that, I think it's pretty good and you should try to add more so that it doesn't seem so short and abrupt.



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lilytig50 says...


I needed it to be short as this is a story I am writing on another app and just wanted to see how the introduction was to the story. However I wanted to add more to this story on here but can't find a way. I am new sorry. Thank you for the comments



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Fri Mar 06, 2015 1:34 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hello there. Welcome to YWS~

Alright, start off by saying that I like how you really took the perspective of the Indians (Native Americans?) here and that you really encoporated words like 'white-skins' to refer to the white man and 'biting poles' as their guns.

This was an alright first part to an epic battle, but it feels really short, especially too short to get into the story and really experience your writing style full force. We were given what feels like a teaser to a bigger story to come, which is interesting. I'll start commenting on some more technical things, since your plot seems solid at this point, with the historical aspect in here.

So, this is not only too short, but there's a huge monster of a paragraph right in the middle of this, which isn't the best thing to have. Big chunks or text are usually pretty hard on the reader's eyes and hard to figure out what is what. There seems to be a nice point to split that one paragraph when it goes from the white men climbing up the hill to going on to describe them further.

With the dialogue, it's a little confusing because it's not very obvious who is speaking. I can assume that it's the chieftain of the tribe, but since there is not tag to clarify, that is merely a best guess. Perhaps add in some kind of dialogue tag to bring to our attention which man is giving this speech (because usually women aren't there fighting).

About her cheer ran out but it fell silent when the men started climbing to the first hill that led to the valley below.


I pull this one specific quote out because I find the wording confusing. I can't really tell what is trying to be said here. What was meant by 'About her cheer ran out'? It's not a full or complete thought and the second part of the sentence tries to contradict it with a but, but there isn't something to go against. Try to reword this so it'll make more sense.

Also, here, I can't really tell what men are being talked about. Since the white men are referred to as the white skins, I at first assumed the tribe, but the next sentence shows us that they are on another hill past that.

Just make sure it's really clear which party is where. At one point, I thought it was telling me that the Indians were in the valley, but this tells the opposite is true. A good thing that you can do is read through your writing word for word without adding what you think is supposed to be there and trying to use those words and paint a picture. Just the words, not what you think is supposed to be showing you. That'll really help with you setting the scene and helping the reader envision it all.

Overall, nice little piece you have here, and I hope I helped. Keep on Writing,
~Wolfare~



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lilytig50 says...


Thank you so much! When I started on this grou I didn't know I would have so much help! This is the introduction of a story I have been writing on another app called wattpad and is the battle is further explained during the story. I will look through and work out the problems you have showered me. Thank you!




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