Okay, I'm going to appologize right away for any mistakes that might have been made to this as it was from NaNo. And for the language which is the reason for the rating. I eventually plan on changin this from third person to first but that would just take forever. Anyways, please tear this travesty apart.
Prologue
Cassie had never trusted beautiful boys.
Maybe it was something in their smiles or in the way they just knew that they could get away with anything that they wanted. Either way, she didn’t like them in the least.
And something about this boy made the hair on the back of her neck prickle with a little more prick than usual and her attention suddenly perk up with just a bit more tension than it normally did when she watched one of them walk by.
Boys suck.
But the minute she let her eyes flick up to his, she felt a tingle run down her legs, dance within her toes, and back up into her fingers. She looked away, focusing on the dog down the road, sniffing its crotch before licking delightedly at whatever morsel resided under its tail.
Cassie felt the bench bow as he sidled in next to her. He was close, breaking all the usual rules of stranger etiquette. She could taste his breath on her tongue. The weight of pepperoni pizza and orange soda slid down her throat as she swallowed back the tension in her body.
He was impossibly close, to a point where she could reach her right arm to his right knee.
More importantly, he was preposterously beautiful. He was practically glowing. Or was it just the sun in her blond hair that made it look like a halo was living over his blue eyes, possibly there in order to disguise the horns that marked him as an imposter.
The bench vibrated and she could smell something else, something lighter and riper than the orange and pepperoni she had picked up earlier.
He inched away.
Cassie chuckled.
She hadn’t intended to laugh but the instant he made some distance between them, her chest felt lighter and the mid April wind didn’t bite quite as hard.
Then he spoke.
“The name's Max.”
Max. What a stupid boy name. She pursed her lips so hard they pulsed red.
“Well you’re a talkative creature.” His fingers dropped suddenly, lightly, landing on her thigh. Her flesh flamed under her jeans into the form of four fingertips. He must have felt the heat and jerked his hand back, at least for a while. Not even three seconds later, she was counting, he draped his arm over her shoulder.
“So do you have a name?”
“Yeah, Hannah.”
“Well that’s a start. You have a lovely voice.”
So do you. And in fact, his voice could easily be compared to the way honey slithers down your throat on a warm day but she would never admit that. “Don’t you have something better to do then harass someone who obviously doesn’t want to talk to you?”
“Well someone’s got a bit of a bite to her bark.” Max pulled his arm away and inched farther down the bench.
Cassie looked once to see if he was still paying attention to her. He wasn’t. He was watching the dog that was still licking itself.
Don’t get the wrong idea, this particular dog doesn’t spend all of its time licking its crotch. Not only does he enjoy napping under the large stick for which to pee on, he also spent a good portion of the afternoon chasing his tail around. At this particular point in time, he just happened to be taking a break.
“That dog must really enjoy licking himself, huh?”
“I suppose.”
“Well that and chasing his tail. I watched him for almost a half hour this afternoon.”
Cassie peaked over at him. He wasn’t looking at the dog anymore but at her yet again.
She fished into her hand into her pocket and wrapped her fingers around the pack of cigarettes she had been itching for. Why can’t he leave?
He was looking at the dog again. She could see him out of the corner of her eye. Would he even notice?
Fuck it.
Cassie slipped one out of the pack and rolled the filter between her fingers for a moment before popping it between her lips. She glanced at him again just to be sure he wasn’t watching.
She snapped her finger lightly and watched as the end of the cigarette sparked to life.
Did he see?
Nope.
Yeah, that’s right, he missed a sixteen year old girl light her cigarette with the snap of a finger. But he did smell the smoke as she exhaled, a drifting whimsical haze that danced on over to him and right up his nasal cavity.
“You shouldn’t smoke. It’ll kill you.”
Cassie smirked. “AIDS will kill you too but that doesn’t stop people from having sex, does it?”
He chuckled and nodded his head to the side as if to say he agreed. “I suppose you make a good point. Can I borrow a light?”
Shit.
“That was my last match,” she lied on the top of her toes and hoped she didn’t sound too nervous. She wasn't the best liar.
“You’re a bad liar. I would have smelt it if you’d have lit a match.”
She’d never had a need for lighter. “Um, I have somewhere to be actually. Sorry.”
In a quick motion, she had her bag in one hand and she was off the bench. Screw the bus. She could walk. Why didn’t I do that to begin with? “Idiot,” she grumbled under her breath.
“You’re not an idiot.”
“What the –” She stopped and whipped around.
Max was not even a footstep behind her, holding her notebook. Had she really left it on the bench. She snatched it out of his hand and cradled it to her chest, careful not to bump her cigarette against the soft white pages.
“I figured you might need that back.”
“Thanks.” She looked down at her shoes, noticing that they really needed to be replaced soon before her big toe decided to grow right out of them.
“No problem…Cassie.”
Note to self: I need to stop writing my real name on the front of my notebooks.
“Can I really believe that you’re name is Max?”
He started to reach for his back pocket. “As a matter of fact, you can.” He pulled out his driver’s license which stated quite clearly that his name was Max. It also said that he was six foot one though she would have guessed that he was six three from first impression.
“So where you from?” He stuffed the license back into his pocket and smiled at her.
“Not here.” With a quick turn, Cassie started walking off again.
How long is he going to keep this up? Can’t he get a hint?“Where exactly is not here?” He was following her, close.
She bit her lip and picked up her pace. His footsteps, a half step out of rhythm with hers, were right behind her.
They had managed to make it a whole block before she looked back at him. The cross walk flashed its big red hand and she leaned against the light post, staring at tires as they flew by.
“So, where is not here?”
She closed her eyes and thought about all of the things she could do to get rid of him. Her fingers were itching for a quick snap and the sudden heat of combustion to break the cold wind that was pushing into her.
Instead, she stuffed her hand into her pocket and took a deep, long drag off her cigarette, blowing smoke out of her nose and enjoying the way she felt a bit like those dragons from on television when she had been younger. I guess children really are impressionable. One day, you’re a normal teenager walking down the street, the next you’re a normal looking teenager blowing smoke out your nose from the cigarette that you can’t even begin to scientifically explain how you lit pretending to be Snuff or Fluff or whatever that stupid dragon’s name had been.
“You look like that one dragon from T.V. when you do that.”
Is he in my head? I mean, seriously.
The hand on the cross walk flashed obnoxiously at her. Taunting her. Refusing to let her leave.
“So where are you from?”
“I’m not from anywhere. Is that the answer you were expecting?”
“As a matter of fact it was.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I don't know why but today I'm in a very reviewy mood.
Probably won't be a good review but let's begin, shall we?
K, well, I think that this 'Max' feller seems like a stalker. But I love it. I love how Cassie "hates" beautiful boys but still worries with teenage angst on whether he noticed her cigarette, whether he's looking at her and such. It's so cute.
I'm not sure because this is in Action/Adventure but there seems to be a hint of some sort of supernatural power thing going on when you write when Max touches her thigh, it starts to burn. I'm not sure, is it burning because she has a power or because of the more *normal* reason?
There doesn't seem to be any grammar mistakes but I wasn't really looking for them all too much. I liked this. If you put up more, could you PM me?
~Jasmine Bells~
P.S. I saw the 18+ rating. I read it anyway. I'm such a rebel, I know. xD
So the second sentence in this needs to be re-written, or you need to an a question mark to the sentence.
That was the only gripe I could find really. This was a really good start, and I'm interested in seeing how it all plays out. The characters are certainly interesting!! Cassie intrigues me for what she is, and well, Max does too. But Cassie does really - she reminded me of Sam in Bewitched with the finger clicking. The character interaction was really good as well. I loved your description at the start:
I could almost taste and visualize everything you've described there, it's wonderful!!
I think someone's already mentioned it, about being a NaNo novel you've stretched it out longer (we've alll been there
Hope you post more up to read!!
First of all, I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for their comments and maybe comment on a few things myself.
Jen, you definitely weren’t reading too far into anything. There was supposed to be a very sexual tension between the two. It’s a shame that I couldn’t ever make the two of them like each other enough to love each other, but that’s too far along so I should shut up about that. But thank you.
LoVeLeSs, adrio-rox_94, LiveScreamWriting, and Caitlin Grant, I’m very glad that you all three liked it and you’re making me reconsider my earlier pre-posting decision to post any more of it. But I should probably get some editing done first. *still afraid to touch that particular set of computer files*
Elinor, I just want to say that I totally appreciate what you had to say about the story and even more so, I’m really glad that you gave me your honest to god opinions. *huggles*
Shina, it is so amazing to here from you my darling! *air hug* and let me just say that you hit that one on the head. It needs a lot of reworking from point A to point B. I just need to get up the ambition. *dies*
Thank you again everyone for the lovely reviews, comments, and suggestions.
~lilymoore
LILY!
But I'm here now and I will do a review for you because I am trying to do 100 in 15 days? I think that's what it is xD
Plus, I wanted to read your writing (you asked for shredding)
I haven't talked to you a long, long, long time
I know you have a lot of reviews already, but just in case those weren't what you were looking for, I decided to do one too
I. Nitpicks
There was a mix of reactions to your first line, mostly positive comments, though. I like this line, but I realized what was keeping it from being catchy and smooth was the speedbump, a.k.a. the word 'had.'
I found two options that you could go with if you want to adjust it:
Cassie never trusted beautiful boys.
OR
Cassie never trusted beautiful boys before.
OR
Maybe it's just me
What kind of smiles are these?
Watch out for these super-long sentences, Lilz. They tire out the reader and are a mouthful, despite the fact that people read in their minds most of the time.
The repitition of "more ____ than usuall/normal" I don't think works.
And now I'll skip to the overall...
II. Overall
xD I didn't skip to this part because I thought your story was awful, but simply because I realized what was wrong with it in general.
It's a NaNo novel
-Shina
Hello there Lily. Here is your review, as promised.
^
I don't like this sentence as a hook. It's kind of bland and it seems to be setting the stage for a shallow and cliched story. I know it's not, but a lot of your readers could think otherwise. They're called hooks for a reason, and I'd suggest changing it.
^
These two sentences are confusing. I understand what you're trying to say, but it took me about three reads to get it. They just don't flow. Perhaps try re-writing them?
^
This is redundant, and it seemed to come a little bit out of no where. Is Cassie saying this, or thinking it? Add the appropriate tag.
^
This sentence seems like a bit of a run-on. Try breaking it up.
Max. What a stupid boy name.
^
It's actually pretty common. If its a stupid boy name, does your character mean to thing it's better for a girl?
I'd recommend revising this part. It just seems to be a little corny.
Other then what I mentioned above, your story was quite excellent. I was hooked, and I absolutely wonderful, even though this read more like a first chapter than an article. Please PM me when you post more, or if your have any questions.
From the very beginning, this had me hooked. It's got a great beginning, and the plotline is interesting and definitely has a lot of potential. I hope you post again soon, because this prologue really leaves the reader with a lot of questions, which I guess it's supposed to do. I do have a question about this girl: you say she was a normal teenager, but now that she's not, does she know if there are more of whatever she is, and do they have people to be afraid of, per say? Because if you plan for them or her to later on in the story, you might want to hint that she was unsure of what he was, whetehr he was good or bad, as soon as he started asking too many questions. of course, if this isn't the case then it doesn't matter. Great story, so keep it up!
Amazing! Simply, amazing! I would love to read more when you have it available! You're incredibly talented, it's great!
People basically already got the whole thing about grammar issues, etc etc.
I like how she lied to him and how you could almost hint that he had some sort of power on his own. But I'd like to know exactly how he is beautiful. What does he look like? That part is what got me. Along with Cassie too, is she beautiful? Does she think she's beautiful? What gave her the powers? Etc.
Tell me when you write more!
-Ellie
wow......your story is really awesome! the very beginning of the story and the first sentence was a really enticing start. i almost envy your writing! i loved your description. It was as if i was seeing it with my own eyes since your description gave me the ability to picture it in my head and some of the parts in this story needs a tad bit of tweaking, but i'm begging that you don't change the plot or the place. At first, i wasn't sure where you were though. I was thinking that it took place at the beach? but then it said a bus stop? so just make it more clear where you are and i like the title. I can't wait to read more and figure out what's next so i encourage you to keep writing!!!!!!!!=]
This was, so to say, different. I see loads of potential in this. I, however, have never seen Heroes so I have no idea what Miss.Jenna is speaking of. But, kudos to Jenna for correcting the mistakes I found. I hope to read more of this and since I don't check this forum much could you please drop me a PM when you post part two? Thanks, you're a doll.
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
Summer Night
Your story had me interested from the first sentence. I like what she says about beautiful boys, and when he sits down it's almost sexual? I'm not sure if that's the best way to describe it. I hope you mean it to be, as well, and that I'm not just reading more into something. But the way you describe his breath, and the weight of his body is almost like she's touching him with her eyeballs. Or something.
Then they talk. I liked how she lit the cigarette, but I almost missed the fact that she did it with her mind. You could solve this problem easily by taking a minute to describe the way it feels for her to use her power-- does she feel the heat? Does it hurt? Does she have to think, "okay, light on fire!"?
The way it leaves off doesn't really catch me. If he actually is reading her mind, or seeing the future, or using any other kind of magical ability, you should make that more clear.
Just a couple minor punctuation things I noticed:
Name's. (Because it's a contraction for name is.)
Is he in my head? (It should be a question.)
One last thing, because I watch way too much TV: careful not to make this too much like the show Heroes. The 'special abilities' plotline has a lot of attention right now because of that show.
Thank you so much for the link to this, and I would love to review the rest as well if you choose to post it!