???Checking out me history

The first sentence didn't make much sense. The clauses didn't go together. Instead of making it into one long sentence you could've made it into three separate sentences, to create the atmosphere for the scene.
"Such a great man she thought to herself ....." The sentence took a lot of breath to read. It would've been better to add in some punctuation or make them into separate sentences. Where you had used a number of adjectives there could be commas used to split them up.

One of the sentences is a paragraph long, but it has good description.
I know it's an obvious point, but it's not written out in the script form. It is written in story form.

Over with the moaning, let's move on to the pros:

-good use of vocabulary.

Keep up the good work ^_^

Just to say, this isn't a script and the formatting is all wrong.

Awright! Gummy's my name, reviewing's my name! Tonight, I'll be reviewing... um... "???Checking out me history," by lilyE.

I'll at least give you points for hooking me with the title. Alright, so, I see there is another review that nitpicked on the grammar, so I'm glad the person below me took the time to do so, because otherwise, I'd spend the whole night trying to figure out how to make this piece better.

Instead, I'm just going to glaze over the bad points and focus on the good things; the potential. I'll start with the redundancy. The fact that the story takes place inside a hallway was made way too obvious... Maybe if you tried to fix some of the lines by using object pronouns instead of mentioning the word "hall" so much would make it an easier read... but that's just my opinion, you know?

All right, so the next thing I wanted to glaze over regarding what you can do better... The comma placement. I only saw, like, 3 commas used during the entire piece, yet I read so many spots where a comma was needed! ...Not to mention, by the way, you used a comma to end the entire second paragraph... All in all, maybe if you added a few more commas to help slow down the story, that'd be really nice.

Lastly, do remember that all sentences have to end with at least some form of punctuation... When I first read through this piece, I had to rub my eyes and ask myself, "That's it?" It's because the lack of punctuation at the end of the piece--along with the whole thing's short length--make it feel like an unfinished chunk of a work. So, yeah, punctuation is everything for a reader. Try going the extra mile, for both yours and the
readers' sakes... pretty please?

So, yeah, that's it for the nitpicks! Now, I'll finish off with what I really liked in this piece. I really enjoyed the imagery, and this literary device alone was what kept me interested through the entire piece. Top-notch adjective use! Now, my favorite use of imagery was when you used "mahogany" to describe the desk. There's just something about that word which just sounds like music to my brain when I read it~

With that said, I thank you for your time, and I bid you adieu. Keep writing, and remember, practice is key! 'Till next time,

Gummy~

Well, first off, this is not a script. A script is a story which also involves the views of where the shot for the moving would be being taken, what sort of actions the actors would be taking, and what sort of things would be going on with the surrounding environment, i.e. explosions, snow, trees falling over, things like that.

Secondly, this is super short, so there's not a lot to critique, but there's also not a lot to like here.

your writing is actually quite good, and the little that you have here I enjoyed. But the joy is short lived when it just ends after a few paragraphs, no dialogue, and no "real" characters as there is not much explained about the two that you have here, so they never actually come out to be a character, just a quick thought about one or two.

I would love to see you write more here, and then you would have something.

Thank you lilyE!

Hey! I have to say that what I have read so far has intrigued me.

To start off with, and this may be a bit obvious, but you should definitely make this longer. There's really no point to what your writing if people can't read what you're trying to establish with your work. I would say post the first chapter of this on here, instead of a small part of it.

What I liked though, is how you threw the reader right into the action in the very beginning. It hooks the reader in and personally it made me want to read more. The opening line even had a bit of an ominous feeling to it that draws the reader in. Great job.

I also loved your use of language, you really do a great job of showing the reader instead of telling them and that is very important for a writer. I also liked the way you varied your sentence lengths, it makes it so the story doesn't seem too repetitive.

All in all, I think you should really post the rest of this on here, since it ends but doesn't resolve. As always, keep writing and have a great day!