Mei part 1
Once upon a time there was a girl that lived in Nanjing, Beijing. She lived in the Nanjing Palaceand her name was Mei. Mei was very depressed in the palace because she could not go outside. During the day she would sit on her bed letting the servants bring her daily meals. She was very depressed and her mother was worried about her. Her mother asked what would make her happy and she said a pet.
Her mother went to go ask her husband. Mei’s father was the emperor of China, and was sending a voyage to Java and other islands to explore, and maybe trade with the natives. He told Mei that he would have the Admiral, Zheng He, retrieve a few animals from Madagascar, to make a circus to entertain Mei.
He said he sent a single ship ahead of them, to get a smuggler named Hui Jian to retrieve animals and bring them to the eastern coast of Madagascar. Later in the day Mei’s servants went to bring her some food, and was she ready to eat. She looked on her plate and saw fish meat , some oranges that looked very ripe. She ate contentedly on her bed. After she took a nap, when she woke up she stared into her favorite blue-and-white painted porcelain with her favorite flower planted in it.
Later that week her father sent Zheng on his first voyage that departed on 11 July 1405. There were going to be 317 junks in the fleet. When they left Mei was really happy for the first time in a long time.
On the seas the currents were really rough. Big Crates of food kept falling. A big crate of rice, and carrots fell on the way to the kitchen. Many of the men were wobbly on their feet. They were on the boat for one and a half weeks when a huge storm hit them. Water was coming over the sides, the crates were tossed around vegetables were on the floor, and men kept going overboard. It was pouring rain. Zheng ‘s junk was the biggest and it got separated from the rest of the fleet. In the morning the sky was was a little cloudy and Zheng’s junk was in the middle of nowhere. They turned the junk around in the direction towards Java. The boat was two days behind the rest of the fleet. In the storm some crew members went overboard so they had to work a lot harder. They were running out of vegetables and some of the crew had to fish for the cook.
The rest of the fleet was in Java waiting for Zheng’s boat. They got to Java later the next day. On Java the natives welcomed them with open arms, because they knew they had good things to trade for. The fleet unloaded the trading items and met with the chief of the natives to trade. Zheng showed them some silk, alcohol, and porcelain pots to trade. The chief laid some shells, fruit, and bows down. They traded then the chief showed them where to dock up their boats, and a place to sleep.
Back at the palace Mei was dreaming about the animals she was getting. In the morning Mei felt good so she went to the animal house and saw them prepare for the new arrival that was coming. She poked around for a while then she left to go talk to the cook. The cook and Mei like to talk to each other sometimes. She talked to the cook and the cook told her about her family, as she served Mei lunch. After Mei went back to her bedroom to take a nap. At Java the men were tying up the boats to the docks and prepared to go to sleep.
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I liked the idea of Mei wanting the animals and having the Ships go to Madagascar, but I wonder if you could put a bit more context into the story. My idea for you is to have one person's perspective and tell it been told from them. I hope you can keep adding more context to the story and
Hi lilbean,
I read your story, "Mei". I thought that there was a bit too much happening in such a short time. For example, I noticed that you skipped straight from when the ship departed to a huge storm in the middle of their voyage. I think that you could use a bit more detail in scenes such as that storm, e.g you could have included a part that showed the men on she ship seeing that they may run into a storm, and preparing for it. Also, I noticed that in the first paragraph you stated that Mei was not allowed to go outside, but in the last paragraph, she left her home to go to the "animal house".
Overall, I think that this is a good idea for a story, although you could include more detail in some of the paragraphs, and you could add in some dialogue, maybe Mei talking to her mother about the animals. I loved all the historical facts you included.
This is very great story with lots of good adventure. I wounder if there could have been some more dialogue. I loved all the good facts about China. I would like to here more about this family. I wounder if you could have talk a little more about Mei and how she was depressed. Over all I think this a great story that has a great plot line.
This is very great story with lots of good adventure. I wounder if there could have been some more dialogue. I loved all the good facts about China. I would like to here more about this family.
Love all the description!
I'm excited to read Part 2!
I also loved all of the historical fiction!
Mei" Pt. 2 is written on my account if you would like to read it.
Love all the description!
I'm excited to read Part 2!
I also loved all of the historical fiction!
Greetings! Here for a review!
Don't worry. It's pretty easy, but does require some work.
), don't hesitate at all to ask. It would be my pleasure in answering. 
So it appears that you have quite the interesting story. I really like the idea of it, but it really feels like it's verging on a list of events. What I mean by a list is that you're telling the story by this happened, and this happened, and then this happened. Your story verges on the line between a list of events and a complete story. It might not seem like a big deal to you (but if it does, congrats), but in writing, it's pretty big. Let's take my short story, It Was Said Casually! as an example (you can find it here). In it, my main character, Juanita, has just found a new job and can move out of her apartment and into an actual house. She finds this house that she loves online and goes for a tour. Near the end of the tour, she and the house owners go into the basement where it is (casually) revealed that they (the owners) have been keeping dead bodies down there. Thus, Juanita runs away from them and decides to stick with her apartment for the rest of her life.
Right there is verging on the line of list and story, a bit like yours. Although, what I just typed was a summary of my story, and yours is the actual short.
What list stories are lacking is the meat of the tale. You've got the actions and events, great, but there's so much more you can do. Let's go back to It Was Said Casually! for a moment. If you were to read it, you would see how I had details and narration and thought and dialogue? That's what adds meat to the story! The whole time while I wrote it, I could have done this (but I didn't):
-Juanita found a job and wants to move into a new house.
-Juanita finds a new house.
-Juanita goes on a tour of the house.
-Juanita sees human bodies in the basement.
-The bodies are dead.
-Juanita runs from the house.
-Juanita wants to stick with her apartment for the rest of her life.
That's what list stories will usually look like, minus the point-form. While your story isn't exactly like that (more like a summary), it comes close, lacking the meat.
Don't stress! You're story isn't terrible! With a bit more meat, this could be great. But you could be wondering how you could insert this meat. After all, I've been rambling on and on about it for the last paragraph.
Description
In It Was Said Casually!, there is a fair bit of description in the first paragraph, In list-mode, it would look like "Juanita pulled up to the house". That sentence is six words, while the real version of the paragraph is ninety-three. (Actually, it's 264 words before she actually gets out of her car) In your story, we don't really get description, but there are plenty of spots for them.
~The palace. Take what Chinese palaces look like and apply that to your writing. Colours and objects that appear there could be described. But don't be afraid to branch into the other senses like touch and smell.
~Your characters. You don't need to tell us every single detail about them, but at least something for the reader to remember them by.
~The environment. This takes place in long-time-ago-China, correct? I haven't studied much on China's history *yet*, but I'm sure you have and would know what the area surrounding the story looks like.
Events
Yes, yes, your story includes events, we know that, but what I mean is something different. You narrate your story by a passive angle. What I mean by that is how stuff happens, but there is hardly any reaction to it. It's like someone just fainted for no reason and nobody around them notices. That wouldn't look right, would it? So in writing, it doesn't either. I think I mentioned this in one of my other reviews, but we as readers want to be in the moment with your characters. What I mean by "in the moment" is like being there with your characters, seeing it through their eyes. I find that not being in the moment is partially what causes list stories. Take your time and savour the sights and sounds of your story. Dialogue is a big thing here as well. You've got absolutely none of it, while having it will help your story be in the moment.
Showing, Not Telling
Something else that I wanted to mention, something that could really boost your story if you fix it, is showing and not telling. You've got no showing here, which really doesn't prevent this from being a list story and really ties in with the other things mentioned above. It can be a tricky thing to master sometimes and it's something that all writers need to work on, but it's a super beneficial thing. As writers, we've had "show, don't tell" rammed in our throats since we first started writing.
Here is what I mean by showing and not telling:
Telling
Daniel was sad.
Showing
Daniel tried to stop the tears from coming, but they kept dribbling down his face. His breath was shaky and his knees felt week. One part of his mind was yelling at him to run and never look back, to run away from all of the pain. Meanwhile, the other side wanted him to spit in the doctor's face and refuse to accept the awful truth.
See how much more you get from the second paragraph than that first one? You get lots more emotion as well. Stating that he was sad was kind of passive and above all, boring. The second one, on the other hand, actually gives more insight to what Daniel is like and makes the situation seem a lot more real.
Ok, for my last
trickexample, let's take your first paragraph.In list form, it looks like this:
~There was a girl who lived in Nanjing, Beijing.
~She lived in the palace.
~Her name was Mei.
~Mei was depressed.
~Mei was depressed because she couldn't go outside.
~Servants brought Mei meals every day.
~Mei's mother was worried about her.
~Mei's mom asked her what would make her happy.
~Mei said that a pet would make her happy.
That's not very exciting, is it? You need to be more in the moment here and show instead of all of that telling you're doing. Start from a certain point. Let's say that Mei is in her room, crying because she wants to go outside. A servant comes in to give her a meal, sees that Mei is crying, and runs to get the princess' mother. Mei's mom then comes in and asks her what is wrong, in which she responds that she wants a pet. The rest of the story continues while being in the moment.
Now, that is just a summary of what could happen. You're going to need dialogue, details, and a display of characters' personalities.
But one thing that bugs me about this paragraph is how Mei is sad that she can't go outside, but yet she wants a pet to cheer her up. There are two things wrong here: 1) you have given no reason why she can't go outside and 2) the whole pet thing seems utterly random because getting a pet has nothing to do with granting her the ability to go outside.
Well, that's it from me! If I sounded harsh at all, that was nowhere near my intention. I'm only giving you a review that will improve your work. Naturally, if you have any questions about my review or your story or YWS in general (welcome, by the way
~Holographic Ladybug
No offense, but I thought this excerpt was pretty bad. Keep in mind that what I'm saying to you is strictly constructive and is not meant to be taken in any other way.
For starters, "once upon a time" is an extremely clichéd beginning. Also, there is all telling and absolutely no showing, which makes things very dull. The monotone narrative doesn't make things any better, either. Furthermore, the characters have absolutely no depth.
On to the biggest problem: this story doesn't seem to have ANY direction. Just a typical tale about a sheltered royal whose parents can't say "no" to her. The way the story is going now, I only see Mei turning into an even bigger spoilt brat. That said, I think a twist to this story would really spice things up. For instance, the night before Zheng sets off on his voyage, Mei, wanting to see the outside world, could run away from the palace and sneak aboard Zheng's ship. After that, Mei would be exposed to many of life's horrors and wonders, forcing her to grow up and become a strong, selfless, open-minded, and independent woman. And by the end of the story, she could use her newly gained circus to entertain others instead of just herself. Naturally, her parents would be peeved at her for running off, but seeing how much she's changed decide her mischief was not in vain. And whom knows? Maybe Mei and Zheng could develop a little chemistry during their adventure.
In a nutshell: show, don't tell. And have your stories and their events mean something.
Hi its Terian here to review this work! This was interesting, you've got something good in this story. It's certainly got loads of potential.
The story is unusual. A tale that you don't see everyday. I like the idea of other people toiling for the gain of a princess. However, this leads me onto my next point.
You've got to slow down!
Give us more info! For example Tell us about the characters! Zheng sounds like quite a cool character, or he would be, if he hadn't suddenly been thrown into the story! Try to apply this to the rest of the story. Like Mei. Tell us more about why she's depressed, and her relationship with her mother and father.
Some of your sentences are a bit odd. Like,
"On the seas the currents were really rough. Big Crates of food kept falling. A big crate of rice, and carrots fell on the way to the kitchen. Many of the men were wobbly on their feet. They were on the boat for one and a half weeks when a huge storm hit them. "
Put forth more detail to say what's happening. "The sea was rough and stormy, crates tumbled about the deck. It was chaos on deck." Don't worry about putting odd little details, like how a crate of rice and carrots fell to the kitchen. How do the crew know it's full of rice and carrots? Go into the perspective of Zheng, maybe and say how a huge crate tumbled past him, or something like that.
Hope this was helpful! Your story was good, and it's got loads of potential to be a great one! Just hope I didn't sound to harsh! Keep writing!
Greetings,
This short story is very choppy. It almost seems breathless, like a run on sentence. A lot happens in just a few paragraphs. There is really no time to stop and really see what is going on. There are things that are described which don't really have any real purpose to them while others are left bland. How old is Mei? What does she look like? What was the condition of the ship after the storm?
Another thing is that the trade being made with the chief does not seem fair. Silk, alcohol, porcelain for shells, fruit, and some bows. These are not the things that the Chinese would trade for. You may want to do some research on what was being traded to the Chinese in the fourteen hundreds.
While this is a short story, there is a considerable lack of dialogue for the amount of talking that everyone is doing. The way someone speaks can give clues to a person's character.
I think that there is the makings of a good story here. You have a lot that you can work with, especially with the Chinese setting. I would do a little more embellishment on your descriptions and pause a bit to let the reader breath. Take some time to describe the world or the people in it.
Happy Writing!