Published August 8, 2011
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138,374 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
People are always so fake these days and then you start falling into it and people are just all Barbies these days..
Hi Lele!
I abso, abso, abso, abso, abso, absolutely LOVE this poem/song! It's completely amazing!
When I read it it was like a record playing in my head, and it was so strong that I had to pick up my guitar and write it all down! Which means that I kinda' wrote music for the song.
I really hope that's okay because I really like this, and really like how it turned out, and I only changed a few things, it was absolutely perfect!
Do you play any instruments and music for it yourself, or was it just like a song in your head?
I really, really loved this, and I really hope you're okay with it - and I can send it to you if you want?
Keep writing, and keep amazing me with your amazing skills!
Love,
Love it!
i loove soo much ilke ican tell your girl o.o
Hey, Lele! I see you've already got all sorts of reviews, so hopefully I'll say something new?
I've a few suggestions to point out; feel free to ignore if you wish!
Overall, I like where you're going with this. It's not very original, but it's written pretty well anyway! You've got some good parts here, so you can certainly edit this and make it even more awesome.
This is the second half of your first chorus. The first half was really awesome. No lie. xD Like, the rhythm was awesome. I could sing it in my head! But then the last line here threw everything off for me. The rhyme seems forced. I don't know how it sounds like in the music though, so maybe it's not much of a bother.
This was actually really awesome. xD I loved this. I only wonder if maybe you could refer to, like. a Barbie convertible. XD That way this metaphor looks like it was made on purpose? That would be so awesome.
Ah, this chorus was done so much better. <3
This is probably my biggest nitpick? Which probably isn't much of one since I can't hear the music, and this suggestion would affect just that. Anyway, I don't like how the bridge ends the song. I'd like to see the bridge lead into a third remake of your chorus. Here you're demanding girls to tell themselves their beautiful, but then you don't use that really awesome lead-in for any final conclusion of your message. I'd like to see a continued ending here.
Other than that, this was awesome! The second time I read through it, the rhythm made sense to me, so I'm good with that bit. You wrote this very well in that respect, and I hope you touch it up a bit.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only!
i like ur piece very much......well i dont know much about poetry nd m just a learner.........i hv found urs preety gud......
I love the way you describe what you believe in. I like it so much because I believe a lot of the same things that you express throughout the writing. However, I have to agree, you need to work on vocabulary and the rhythm of your song. Sometimes you rhyme and other times you do not. Also adverbs and adjective would really add to the meaning. I defiantly think that every teenager needs to hear this though. What an amazing way to write what you believe in. Thanks so much for your time to write this.
This has a really great message and I think this problem needs to be addressed more. That being said, I have to agree with the reviewers above and the changes they suggested. This poem has a lot of potential to be better, and it's already pretty good. The last part is my favorite, girls definitely need this kind of message.
Hi!
I am not usually one to review, but this was so touching and truthful I had to tell how wonderful it was.
You are so talented and I love how you express your creativity and feelings in your writing.
My favorite sentance was,
The last part was uttery brilliant and I appreciate the message you are sending. Because we are so pressured as teenagers. Little girls should know that they are beautiful. The kids mom should know. the kids grandma should know. and the kids should tell their children when they are old.
And what I love the most about this, was how this doesn't only apply to beauty, but overall just being yourself.
I was hooked at the title and wanted more much after the very end.
You did an amazing job. This post was so unforgetable and amazing. Please please please tell me the next time you post something and I promise to review it. Thank you for posting this and I hope the see more like this from you.
I really enjoyed reading this! I love reading lyric poetry because I sort of put the words to music in my head, and then sing along! Everything was going really smooth until I came across these two little lines:
I just think that you could use different words... I think that you can keep the
but just find a different way to say the other one as it didn't make much sense. Other than that, this was really, really, really good!!! I hope to see more of your work on the featured page! Keep writing! BRAVO
Hi there, Robin.
I read a part of this in your status and I loved it, so I thought I'd come and check it out.
Okay, so first off I love your subject; be yourself, not what society wants you to be.
The first verse instantly let us know what your song is about and I like that.
The chorus says the truth, the point of the song. But there's something I wanted to point out:
People don't stay young forever... so I would suggest you to change that line to something like, "And that's not about to change" maybe.
The third verse is my favorite, I have to say that. But I caught something... maybe you'd take it in consideration.
Shouldn't that be a question? "But guess what? I drive them by."
I'd love to hear the tune... xD That's all. You're a great writer; true fact! So keep it up!
~Solvy <3
P.S. Congrats on being featured!!!!
This was a very well written lyrics. I enjoyed it a lot and agree with the message behind it. I saw two minor problems in my viewpoint in the chorus.
This is what you wrote:
I definitely agree with the message you're trying to convey here! You've done it in a simple, yet effective manner that deserves to be noticed. It's already been pointed out that the last two lines of the chorus form a contradiction so I won't say too much on that but I think that once this piece has been polished a little more, it will be even better.
Keep typing!
Hello,I really enjoyed this.
I love what you have written here, it has a clear and well thought out message.
I think it’s already been pointed out about the last two lines in the chorus and how they don’t quite make sense.
Sorry if that didn’t help at all!
Well done and keep on writing
Chels
Hi there!
I really like these lyrics. From the beginning I was able to sing it in my head, putting my own music to it. I like the message and whole heartadly agree with it.
I do agree with Firearris though. The last two lines of the chorus are a little out of place. Honestly, I don't understand what you're trying to say there. They also don't flow very well with the rest of it.
Keep writing!
Hey there, Lele! Overall, this is a pretty good piece. I kind of like the idea/message you're giving with this - but I do have one thing that I would suggest you change.
In a way, I think this almost contradicts what you are going for. You talk about how you won't try to be these dolls or follow the same style and they don't really impact you, but those two lines there make it sound more like it does have a higher amount of impact. Also, even though the rhyming/rhythm are both a bit different, I think those lines don't flow well. Maybe rephrase?
Otherwise, good job. Keep up the work, and I wish you luck. Feel free to message me if what I said here didn't make sense, or if you want any other reviews in the future.
--Heather
This is good. I like the message of it, and though the rhyme scheme is slightly irregular, the overall rhythm isn't all that bad. Overall, this is good, and I hope you keep writing. Hopefully, my review helps.