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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Oh, how to begin this review? You did wonderful! There is a lot to say that you did great- I love your descriptions, smooth wording, etc. But there are also some things that could be worked on. Grammar is an example.
This is an example of a run-on sentence. It would be better to say it like, "She flinched. How would it feel to have the only source of freedom snatched from you?"
This is because with a compound sentence, you have to have a conjunction. So, another example would be, "She flinched and asked herself how it would feel to have the only source of freedom snatched from you." In this case, the and is the conjunction.
And a few very minor details such as spaces that shouldn't be there (between the last word of a sentence and its period).
Also, there's this.
When you say, "DO IT!!," there are some things that should be fixed. Firstly, there is too much punctuation. Only one exclamation point is needed, and when someone is exclaiming something, there is no need for a comma. Plus, all capital letters may or may not be good for the story. Think hard if it distracts from the story or not. So, you may want to rephrase this as...
"Just do it. Do it quickly. If I am going to die, it should be short. Do it!" the fairy said.
^^^^^^^^^
Notice how I got rid of the comma. It was misplaced. If you want your character to hesitate here, it would be better to say:
"Just... do it..." or something.
All in all, I think you should be proud of your work. You did a fantastic job, and here, we're all developing writers. I think you did a wonderful job and your work is something to be proud of. Keep on writing!
Hello!
First of all I like the idea of the story, the imagery was pretty good with the descriptions of the characters and such.
The only problem is I find myself getting confused as to what is going on as you use the words "he" and "she" instead of names a lot so you don't know who is talking to who.
This will be great once you polish it up.
Good luck!
SweetMoments
Hey Lele, I'm here to review!
H'okay, so first off I'd like to point your attention to the Formatting option below the text box when you go to post a story...you'll see the option that says Story, and if you select it, your paragraphs will automatically be spaced out and made much easier to read. Pretty nifty, eh?
All right, now to the story -- you've got an interesting start, and I'm looking forward to seeing where it goes. However, you do an awful lot of telling instead of showing; this is something that many writers (including yours truly!) struggle with, so don't worry, you're not alone. I'd like you to take a look at this link, which does a fantastic job of explaining how to recognize showing vs telling in your writing and how to fix it.
Another little issue I noticed was your dialogue punctuation; again, it's a common problem for writers, so here's another great link covering the rules.
Keep an eye on your grammar, too. I noticed spots like this throughout the story:
"Digged" should be "dug."
I'd suggest just reading it aloud, and you'll hopefully hear the areas that sound a little awkward and need some revision.
Now, for what's going on in your story -- it all feels a bit fast. I didn't get a really good picture of the setting they're in, but the characters were described pretty well, so no worries there. There were also a few inconsistencies, as if you had leapt forward in time and left out an important part. For example:
You just said that his hair was tied around his throat to prevent him from talking; then you follow it up by him talking to her (verbally, it seems, and not telepathically somehow).
Okay, so that's all I've got to critique. I'd say overall, it's got good potential; the mechanics seem to be giving you more trouble than of the actual storytelling. Brush up on your spelling and grammar, and remember to not just tell the reader what's going on.
Feel free to PM me if you've got any questions! Cheers! (:
I absolutely love that sentence.
Anyway, overall, it was really good and the person who reviewed before me already pointed out several things that caught my eye. I agree that you should lengthen the chapters more, unless you want to be like James Patterson when he writes Maximum Ride chapters.
But I digress. I definitely think you should continue this story.
I figured I'd review this one too before I get off! As it's pretty short I'm going to quote the whole thing
Overall this set up the stroy nicely, to lengthen the chapter I would give a more in depth description of some of the characters such as Evealla, Terrow, the father and the fairy.
It was a VERY short chapter ; that isn't a problem, but I do wonder if this will make the book more disjointed if you repeatedly change chapters at such a rapid rate.
Again, contact me if you want anything
Over and out!