Change of Heart: Two

I watch as Serah rummages around in her closet. I don't know what she's looking for, but she eventually gives up and shuffles to my room. I follow quietly. "Uhm, Serah," I say hesitantly, "Do you mind telling me what you're doing." I'm glad she hasn't asked why I'm not wearing a bra, because I don't know how I would've keep the truth from bubbling up. She finally looks at me, her eyes half-open and bloodshot. I take a step towards her. Her cheeks are flushed, but the rest of her face is pasty. She's sweating like a pig and smells like she's smoked two or three bowls.

"Shit, Serah. Dad's gonna kill you," I say angrily. Then, he'll blame me. Serah stares up at me, her smaller frame starting to shake as she looks into my eyes. It feels like she's staring into my soul; I try not to squirm. "I know, Pandora," Serah slurs. Not only is she high, she's probably chugged a few. It doesn't stop the uncomfortable chill that runs up my spine. "You know what Serah?"

She sighs and plops down on the floor, crawling on her knees into the hallway. I chew on my lip nervously as I watch, following after her again. It's always this way, her playing lead and me following behind like a good, obedient lap dog. Serah crawls back into her room, her shoes making horrible scratching sounds as she drags them across the hardwood. She waits until she's snuggled into the large pile of clothes on her bed before she says anything else.

"Asher," She stops, "I know about Asher." My heart leaps into my throat and I start to nervously wring my hands together. Beads of sweat pop up on my skin; I can feel it dripping down my back in disgusting droplets. For a second, I consider outting myself and telling her everything, while begging for forgiveness, but from the delirious look on her face, I realize she doesn't know me from Adam right now. I push away the guilt and quickly brush her statement off, leaning over to push the clothes onto the floor. I cover up her up with the thick comforter she has tangled around her legs.

"Go to sleep Serah. We'll talk in the morning," I lie. It feels odd putting my older sister to bed, but in a strange way it feels like I've been doing exactly that my whole life. Unexpected anger creeps into my heart, clawing at it viciously. What right does she have to use me like this? I should be the one being tucked into bed, with the promise of a hangover from hell tomorrow. I've always had to be the older one, herding her away from the stupid shit she comes up with.

Maybe she deserves what she gets, I think hatefully. Maybe I'm the one who deserves Asher. A quick plan hatches in my head and I jog back to my room. Grabbing my phone from my desk, I punch in Asher's number and hold it to my ear, listening to the annoying dial tone. He answers on the second ring. His voice sends shivers through me and butterflies flutter around my stomach.

"Hey gorgeous," He says. I close my eyes and ready myself, taking a deep, cleansing breath.

"I'm ready," I whisper huskily, "I want you naked and on top of me."

I'm rewarded with a low hiss and momentary silence as I wait for him to respond.

"Tomorrow night, around 11?" He asks tightly. I smile victoriously. Maybe this wouldn't be so bad after all. I realize that this is my own way of getting back at Serah and honestly, it feels good.

"That sounds amazing," I reply, then bravely, "I can't wait to feel you inside me."

He groans loudly. "You're playing with fire Pandora."

I laugh softly, enjoying the delicious tingles that spread through me as he says my name. "I've always been a bit of a pyro," I respond, amusement crackling through the phone. I hang up and fall back on my bed. Tomorrow is going to be great, everything I've wanted.

As long as I didn't let myself think of the consequences of this choice, I would keep thinking its a good one until the cows come home.

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I wake up to bright golden sunshine. Smiling at the ceiling, I push my fingers in my hair and giggle. "Today's the day," I say to my throw pillows. I don't even care how corny I sound. Jumping out of bed, I throw on some shorts and put my knotted red hair in a bun. I feel like skipping down the stairs and hugging every member of my family, but that would alert them. I'm so not a morning person.

Serah's hogging the bathroom, taking forever to brush her teeth. It's not fair; despite some pinched lines around her eyes, a telltale sign of her drunkenness, she looks gorgeous as ever. I shove down my feelings and tell her to turn on the water so I can pee. Bumping her with my hip, I wash my hands and dry them, unconsciously humming. "What're you so happy about?" She mumbles, Colgate coating her lips. I decide to act like nothing happened last night and go about my day.

"Oh, nothing in particular," I reply cheerfully, "Can't I be happy?" She doesn't answer, just spits and rinses her mouth out. I watch as the green glob spins down into the drain.

"Don't wait up for me tonight, okay?" Serah exclaims suddenly, picking up her phone as it beeps. I raise an eyebrow, silently questioning her. She grins mischievously, then leans close to my ear. " I'm meeting Asher. I think tonight's the night, we you know..." She trails off, a dazzling smile gracing her plump, pink lips. My heart sinks. What the hell is she talking about? How could he do this to me? Visions of the two of them tangled up in bed, skin to skin assault my mind. Does he plan on sleeping with both of us or is it just a ruse he's putting on for her benefit? I know that I have to say something here; I have to bridge the gap of silence because she's staring at me. Serah's smile fades and she tosses her gold hair over her shoulder.

"Why can't you be happy for me?" She hisses. It has nothing to do with her happiness; I feel like my heart is shattering into pieces along the floor. What about my happiness? "I am," I respond weakly, trying to make an effort. She snorts and uncaps her perfume, dabbing some along her neck and breasts. "Could've fooled me. Why're you so jealous of Asher?" A hateful laugh escapes my lips before I can stop it. "Jealous? Of Asher?" She nods, hand on hip.

"Of all the fucking things in the world to be jealous about... You think I'm jealous of Asher?" My brain and mouth are disconnected, the filter I would normally use dysfunctional. Her brown eyes widen, then narrow at me. I watch as she transforms into a younger, eviller version of our mother. "Yes, you're jealous because you're not pretty enough to land a guy like him," Serah pauses, tapping her lip with her thin finger, "You're jealous of me." I could've smacked the hell out of her. In that moment, I hated her more than I ever thought possible.

"Right," I say dully, "You figured it out."

She laughs haughtily and I want to strangle her with my bare hands. This is the same sister I've watched over; the same sister I've protected for years. My lips tighten into a flat line and I can feel my nostrils flare. I stand from my post on the rim of the tub and shove past her. Apparently I'm not meant to be happy. I trudge downstairs and sit at the table. Something that resembles eggs and bacon sit on a plate in front of me, but when I poke the yellow monstrosity, it jiggles and makes a slurping sound. God, ol' Dad, still a terrible fucking cook. I stalk up to my room and sit on my bed. Hurt quickly blooms in my heart; confusion swarming my mind. I don't understand what's going on. Asher's playing with my feelings and I want to hate him for it but I can't. If Serah knew the things I've done, she wouldn't call me jealous. She would try to scratch my eyeballs out with her pink talons. I know that it isn't right to destroy her happiness, but what about mine? I'm pretty sure I'm in love with my sister's boyfriend and he doesn't love me. I throw myself back on my bed, crossing my arms over my eyes. I will not cry, I tell myself repeatedly, trying to take deep, calming breaths. I end up hyperventilating instead. I eventually fall asleep thinking, when did my life start sucking so badly?

This summer is not starting how I want it to.