Chapter One
The gravel crunched beneath the tires of my 2017 Jeep Wrangler as I maneuvered into a parking spot at Woodwind National Park. After a long ten-hour drive, I was thrilled to finally arrive. I turned off the engine and swung open the door, instantly enveloped by the vibrant sounds of nature. The chirping of birds, the rustling of squirrels, and the gentle breeze through the trees greeted me. I retrieved my backpack from the passenger seat, locked the door, and headed toward the visitor center.
“Welcome! How can I assist you today?” I stepped inside the center, which was mostly empty except for a few brochures on a shelf and a young man at the desk. He appeared to be in his late twenties or early thirties, with cropped brown hair and striking blue eyes. Dressed in a faded Smokey the Bear t-shirt and blue jeans, he stood at an average height. “Are you interested in hiking or camping? I can guide you through the available trails unless you’re already familiar with the area.” I noticed a name tag on his shirt that read Jeremy. He certainly looked like a Jeremy.
“I’m actually here for the lookout position,” I replied.
“Oh, you must be Wolfe Thatcher,” Jeremy said, “let me get your supplies.”
“My supplies?” I asked, puzzled. “I’ve got my pack, and the email mentioned the tower was stocked, so I thought I wouldn’t need anything else.”
“Right, but this is just a welcome box,” he explained, sliding a medium flat box toward me along with two sets of keys. “One is your main key, and the other is a spare. Keep the spare on a chain around your neck or something.”
“Got it,” I said curtly.
“Do you know which trail you’ll take to reach lookout 5?” he inquired.
“No, I’m not sure which one I should take,” I admitted.
Jeremy unfolded a map and laid it out on the desk. He pointed to a small box on the map. “We’re here. You’ll want to take the Blue-Gill trail up to Greenview, then continue left to your lookout. It’s about a four-and-a-half-hour hike—five if you take it slow.”
“It’s quite a trek, isn’t it?” I remarked, adjusting my pack to fit comfortably. Two buckle straps secured the harness around my chest and lower abdomen. Just as I was about to step outside, Jeremy called out to me.
“Hold on!”
“What is it?”
He seemed a bit uneasy as he replied,
“Just be cautious and stick to the trail.”
I nodded in acknowledgment and exited, the doorbell chiming behind me. After ensuring my Jeep was locked, I glanced at the trailhead board before heading up the path. Aside from a few faded missing person posters, there was nothing noteworthy. The trail was well-kept, with blue markers sparkling in the sunlight ahead. A hummingbird zipped by, a flash of yellow-green and emerald.
It brought back memories of home.
Home and…
Her.
****
“I really don’t understand why you want to move to North Dakota!” Sierra’s usually smooth, suave voice was high and shrill. We were in a skyline cafe on the top floor of the Median Hotel. Our relationship had started like a dream. I was on vacay in Fiji. She was also. Coincidental meetings led to dream dates that led to me asking her to be my girlfriend. I should’ve known that a few weeks was not enough to get to know somebody. But she was charming, gentle, and drop-dead gorgeous. All it took was six months for her to show her true colours. She constantly dragged me around to show off to her rich friends. I was an object to her. Nothing more. I was tired of being gaslighted. Tired of feeling guilty when it wasn't my fault. Now we were arguing in the cafe. More like she was talking and I was listening.
“You want to live in the bush like some caveman!” Her normally cute British voice sounded annoying as she went up an octave. “Keep your voice down,” I sighed. “There's no reason for me to stay Sierra.”
“I'm your frickin’ reason Wolfie.” Sierra's voice got softer, tears swam in her eyes. She was doing it again. Playing the victim.
“Look I got a good offer on the cabin. And everything's already signed. I can't back out of this.”
“I get it. You have someone else don't you. Is it the real estate chick? Or maybe it's someone you met in North Dakota.”
“I don't have anyone else Sierra.” I was getting more ticked off the more she spoke.
“I made this choice some time ago. I just didn’t mention it until now, for obvious reasons. Given your reaction, maybe I should have kept it to myself.”
“This is all your doing, you know.” Sierra shot back.
“People warned me against getting involved with you. I ignored them because I thought you were different. Turns out, you were just after my money.”
“MONEY?!” I barked, slamming my fist on the table and sending our coffee splattering everywhere. All eyes were on us now, but I didn’t care.
“I always paid for things. You never bothered to pay for anything. You always made it seem like it was my fault. Well guess what Sierra I’m done being treated like I’m the problem. Because you are.”
Sierra gripped my clenched fist, face tight in a fake smile.
“Don’t you dare make a scene.” She whispered harshly. Her emerald eyes flashed darkly.
"If you wanted to end things, you could have just called me."
I chuckled, but the sound was icy and unsettling.
"You know, Sierra, I was naive to think you ever had any feelings for me."
I stood up, snatched my jacket from the chair, and headed for the door.
"Wait, Wolfie," I heard Sierra call out, stumbling after me with her purse in hand.
"Don't call me that. It's done."
"But—"
"But what!"
Sierra's gaze dropped, her cheeks burning with embarrassment.
"I was upset. I didn't mean it. Please don't go."
"Seriously, are you really doing this?"
"Come on, Wolfe, let's just sit down and talk it through."
"Not a chance. I'm out of here."
Sierra grabbed my arm, cupping my face and kissing me. She leaned in closer, her body pressing against mine. I pulled back and pushed her hands away.
"Just stop. You're embarrassing yourself." I turned away and walked out, not looking back.
****
I encountered a fork in the trail. With Blackrain on my right and Greenview on my left. I turned left. After reliving that memory I settled into a funk. Damn that hummingbird.
After trudging along for another fifteen minutes, the top of the lookout tower finally emerged from the treetops. Moments later, the entire structure came into view, towering at sixty feet, though it bore the marks of age and neglect. A weathered sign affixed to a post at the base of the stairs identified it as Tower 5. The railing had been haphazardly mended with flimsy wooden slats and nails, some protruding awkwardly. As I climbed, the stairs creaked ominously beneath my weight, with several steps missing chunks and one completely absent. I was careful to place my feet with precision.
The wind began to pick up a little the higher I climbed. Once at the top I paused to take in the breathtaking panorama that unfolded before my eyes. The treetops danced gently in the gusts, while a majestic mountain ridge stretched along the western edge of the lookout tower. The sun was dipping low on the horizon, casting a warm glow over the landscape. Approaching the tower's entrance, I retrieved my key and tried the lock.
Stuck.
I tried again, twisting the key while giving it a little jiggle, and to my relief, I heard a satisfying click as the door swung open. Stepping inside, I quickly spotted a light switch by the doorframe and flicked it on. The light flickered momentarily before bathing the room in brightness. A small desk greeted me first, adorned with a notebook and a stationary radio equipped with a handheld mic, glowed with a steady red light. Adjacent to it was a compact kitchen, while across from the desk, a bed with storage beneath it awaited. By the door, binoculars, a cap, and an empty water canteen hung from pegs. Dominating the center of the room was an Osborne fire-finder, fire lookouts would use the device to pinpoint the location of smoke or fires they saw from their towers. Though I was vaguely familiar with the instrument I hoped there was a guide somewhere on how to use it.
The place looked great, if not a little cramped. A faint musty odor lingered in the air. Nothing open windows couldn't fix. After shutting the door behind me, I cracked open a window, placed my backpack on the desk, and started to unpack my belongings. I let my mind wander as I walked about the place setting things in order. The view from the tower was incredible. Something I could get used to. Maybe this was the right decision after all.
Pssiiiiiiiiissshhh…….Crnkllsht…….“Hello newbie? You there?” The radio on the desk went off. The steady red light flashed like a warning beacon. I set my belongings aside and awkwardly grabbed the device. “Uh… hello?” I replied,
“Wow, I didn’t think you’d get here so soon. It usually takes a bit longer for newcomers,” came the cheerful response.
“Who are you?” I asked, slightly annoyed; the job description hadn’t mentioned anything about overly friendly coworkers.
“Oh, how rude of me! I’m Lyla Farley, stationed in tower four,” she introduced herself with a light laugh.
“And what’s the reason for your radio call?” I inquired, trying to keep the conversation brief. “Aww secretive much. I’m just checking in. Relax.” she teased.
“Do you need a run down on things? Or do you already know how things work?”
“I’ve got most of it covered. I’ll reach out if I need help,” I assured her.
“Alright then, what’s your name?” she pressed. I let out a frustrated sigh, wishing she would take the hint.
“Wolfe. Wolfe Thatcher.”
“Like the animal?” she asked, her curiosity piqued.
“Yeah but add an e at the end”
“Cool. Wolfe I like it.”
“Can I go now?”
“Tired already? Fine, I'll leave you alone. See you bright and early tomorrow.”
“Sure.”
I signed off. Jeez, she was chatty. This might not have been the best idea after all. I made a quick meal of beans and rice. Tidied up the kitchen. Then I slipped into the covers and drifted into sleep.
****
I stood at the tranquil bank of the lake, the moonlight reflected off the water's surface like scattered diamonds. The night was serene; the sounds of the forest wrapped around me like a comforting blanket. Crickets chirped softly, and an owl hooted in the distance. But then, as if someone had flipped a switch, the ambiance fell silent.
A chill crept down my spine. I squinted into the trees, heart pounding. Suddenly, something darted through the shadows—quick, erratic. It was fast, too fast to catch a glimpse of what it was. I felt an instinctual urge to flee, but my feet were rooted to the ground.
The sound echoed again, closer now, a rush of wind and snapping branches. Panic surged through me. “What the hell is that?” I muttered, my voice barely a whisper. Each time it approached, I braced himself, but the creature remained hidden, a blur in the dark.
Then, it lunged at me.
I jolted awake, gasping for air, drenched in cold sweat. The room was dark, but I felt it—a presence, watching me from the shadows. I sat up, heart racing, as the silence pressed in, heavy and oppressive.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Greetings Mortal, Let's begin, yes?
My favorite part:
The cliffhanger at the end! That shadowy creature is definitely going to give me goosebumps in my sleep. Also, the vivid imagery of the lookout tower's setting is spot on.
Some Advice:
1. The dialogue between Wolfe and Jeremy could use a little more flavor. Maybe have Jeremy share some park gossip or local lore to add depth to the conversation and setting.
2. The breakup scene with Sierra is intense, but it could benefit from more description of the cafe atmosphere to contrast with the tension.
3. The transition from the breakup to the tower's description feels a tad abrupt. A brief reflection on the solace of the natural world might smooth the narrative.
Burning Question: Is this inspired by the Fears To Fathom horror game?
Can't wait to see what you write next,
Grim
Thank for your advice, I'll certainly use it. And yes it is inspired by the fears to fathom game and firewatch also.
Hello leelee and welcome to YWS! It's a pleasure to meet you! Please stop by the welcome mat to introduce yourself whenever you have a chance.
Do you want to know something weird? The song Jeremy by Pearl Jam came on RIGHT as I began reading this and came across you introducing the park ranger as Jeremy... strange, isn't it?
Anyways, on to a few grammatical nitpicks I noticed while reading, before I give you my overall thoughts on this piece:
Everything quoted above needs the comma(s) that I have included in bold. There's probably more, I did not copy them all down. I recommend you comb through and add them where they are needed.
I would combine these 2 paragraphs into one paragraph, considering that it is still Sierra speaking. Same with the continuation of that scene, when Wolfe tells her he pays for everything.
Same here. The dialogue is split really oddly. When one person is done speaking, you should be moving down to a new paragraph to begin the next dialogue. Splitting them like this is awkward and causes the reader to get confused and have to stop to reread the paragraph to understand whose perspective they are reading from. Consider rereading all of your dialogue to find more of these awkward moments.
I would avoid using all-caps like this, it seems like a cheap way to put emphasis on words when it could easily be done with descriptive language, such as you telling us that he "barked" those words.
I would avoid using "harshly" and "darkly" in the same sentence. The accidental rhyme comes off as a bit icky. Instead, just remove the word "darkly", because saying that her eyes flashed is sufficient for the reader.
Okay, so those are the bulk of my grammatical nitpicks. So! Onto the likes and dislikes of the story.
What I love about this is your descriptive writing. You are so good at painting a picture for the reader by describing the settings in the story. Your ability to set the scene and use descriptive words is strong and steady, and the reader can easily picture these moments as they are reading the story. The storytelling itself is good and has an easy-to-read flow. I really do like that about this work. I especially enjoyed the moment that Wolfe approached Tower 5 and the end of the story, with Wolfe's unsettling dream.
While your narrative writing is strong and your use of imagery is fantastic, I do think that your dialogue needs more work. In all honesty, I do think that Wolfe is a bit of a stereotypical character and I found it hard to enjoy most of the moments where he was speaking. He seems like your average, one-dimensional, and to be frank, rather boring character. His fight with Sierra was especially lackluster and felt very artificial. I do think that that part of the story could be strengthened. He can be a jerk, sure, but what else? Add more to him. If a single hummingbird can conjure up such a strong reaction in him, enough to ruin his day because it reminded him of Sierra, then maybe she meant more to him than he showed us in that flashback. I dunno, I just think that you could do more with him by drawing back his aggression a little. Just consider it.
Besides that, I truly did enjoy reading this and am curious to see what you do next! It has a lot of potential and I really did enjoy your narrative writing. Please feel free to post a comment on my wall whenever you post chapter 2. Just be sure to do some reviewing so you can earn some points! Send me a PM if you need help with that part.
See you around!
~ Iggy
Thank you I will edit and change where needed.
Hiya, leeleewritestories!


Welcome to YWS! I hope you're enjoying it here.
I was pretty excited to see a mystery story set in a national park -- I really love the outdoors and thought this was a cool concept to write about! (as a side note, if you like reading about that kind of thing too, the Anna Pigeon series by Nevada Barr is a mystery series set entirely in national parks).
I was really impressed at the way you structured the first chapter and the details you chose to include. All within the first chapter, we've got the narrator set up to be in a beautiful remote place, somewhere it seems like they've never been before, some angsty backstory with a failed relationship, AND just the right amount of spooky preview! Plus a new radio friend to look forward to!
I think you hit about all the points I could have asked for in a compelling first chapter. I am left with a couple of questions/suggestions, though.
The job & setting the tone
One thing was about getting the job. It stuck out as a little weird to me that the narrator could just walk up with no ID or training and take the job! Considering he got an email, I'm guessing he already talked with the staff there and was hired before being on-site, but it was still a little surprising for me. And he also has never been there, so I'd expect some more site orientation or maybe someone accompanying him to the tower!
On the mystery side, I really appreciate that we don't know quite what the job entails, yet! But I think you could kind of set the tone in the way you approach the job process: if it's really this easy to get said job (without ID and training, etc.), you could talk about how the narrator wanted this job because there would be no hassle, they seemed really desperate for someone to fill the position, not sure what happened to the last person, they'll take anyone, that kind of thing. It could definitely set up a good horror tone!
Or, you could make it a little more normal, and just say "oh you'll need to go through a brief training" and then cut scene to him headed toward the tower. But then it would seem like the job wasn't as abnormal, if that makes sense! So it all depends on how you want to present the story.
Description!
I really loved your descriptions throughout this piece. Especially that moment when, in the dream, all the wildlife suddenly go quiet! That's some really good spooky material. And you have so much in the natural world to draw on.
One thing that I was hoping to see a little bit more of is a sense of place. You start out by saying,
I definitely get the sense of *nature* right off, but is there any way you could help us understand the geography a little more? The trailhead lines, too, are a little vague:
Of course, you don't have to spend tons of time orienting the reader to the geography! Presumably a lot of that will develop with the story.
But I guess what I'd be looking for is more like: is this a forest? Prairie? A mix? Is the trail to the lookout going up hill or into a valley? Are there lakes? Is it really hot here, or humid or dry? Chilly? You can make it however you want to, and you don't have to reveal it all at once, but it would be nice to sort of see what the narrator is getting into, and what this fictional part of North Dakota is like. Dense forests, for example, would for me set a very creepy mystery tone, while prairies have a different kind of eeriness to them sometimes.
Relationship backstory
I really appreciated the depth of the first chapter, even including a backstory for how the narrator ended up here and where he's at in his life, shaping how we'll see the next events.
There was just one thing I wondered about here:
Since we don't know where "home" is for the narrator, not sure how the hummingbird reminds him of home or the girlfriend! So it would be cool if you could say there were hummingbirds when they first met or something, just to help make that connection. Otherwise, it seems like it comes a little out of the blue!
Overview
I hope this review helped! It looks like you've got all of the makings of a great story here, and I hope you end up writing and posting more.
I really appreciated the pacing and descriptions, I thought the whole chapter was really nicely done. You do a great job of setting the spooky tone and placing the narrator in a verrrry isolated setting where who knows what might happen!
Let me know if you have any questions, about the review or YWS in general. I'm happy to help answer anything for you that I can!
-Q
P.S. -- sorry if this was a long read!! I tend to ramble a bit much on reviews.
Thxs so much I never thought about that. Will definitely take your suggestions.