Ten
Chapter 1
Life couldn???t have been better for Penelope Ann Elise. Her brunette hair fell perfectly down her back. It stayed straight for a change. She found herself patting it down throughout the day to make sure that it didn???t frizz up. Her face seemed flawless, and with no makeup - not even chopstick was needed to keep her lips soft!
Aria Jamie Elise stayed away from her that morning. She didn???t bother her with questions, or ask her about why she always had to have her phone on her - which of course Aria wouldn???t understand since Aria has never owned a phone.
???Pene!??? Penelope???s mother, Victoria hollered up to Penelope at 11:30 am.
Penelope rolled her eyes and walked to the top of the stairs. ???Yes????
???Come down! Aria wants to go shopping!???
Penelope rolled her eyes. Couldn???t she see that my day was going great until now?
Reluctantly, Penelope hopped down the stairs and out the door behind her mother and ten-year-old sister.
~~
The Elises arrived at Aria???s favorite general store, which she managed to drag Penelope and her mother along at least once a week, Jose???s. Once inside, Aria runs to the very back left just behind the candy: the clothing section.
???Look around and get something interesting,??? Victoria said as she followed Aria to see her try on outfit after outfit until she found one she liked to have her hate it a minute before they buy it causing her to come back and find that perfect outfit. It happened every time, and both Victoria and Penelope have tried their best to speed up the process.
Penelope found herself wondering (like she always has) into what she calls the destroyed section. Written on the shelves were things that do not belong in a store which her ten year old sister in constantly.
The book that caught her eye the most was a notebook, two books over from a note which said something very inappropriate about Mitt Romney and his wife.
It wasn???t the color of the book that caught her eye, for the from page was solely black and white, minus some shadows. It defiantly wasn???t the size, for each book was the same: 11 inches by 8 1/2. It was the picture on the from cover. It was a boy, who had to be her age, looking confused, almost as if he wasn???t sure what was going on.
As she strode over to the book, Penelope saw that she recognized the boy ... but she couldn???t think of from where. As if they had met before and she had forgotten his name (like she did to many people that she met). Could he have been from the news? Maybe he was a criminal, and this was what he looked like when he was caught guilty. No ... he was too cute to be a criminal. Maybe a politicians son?
Once she reached the book, Penelope turned the page. Instead of seeing the boy on the front cover, there was an (at least) five-year-old girl on the cover with one eye closed. She looked like she was looking at something she shouldn???t have ... maybe this was her brothers and he drew a picture of her to freak her out?
On the next page was an elderly woman who looked like she was so tired she would fall off the page. One hand was attempting to rub the sleep out of her eye while the other seemed to be holding the book, for a thumb was seem at the bottom of the page.
As she flipped threw the pages, Penelope saw many different faces: one of a teenager who looked in horror, another of a smiling girl, and another terrified boy behind her. Next was a clearly drunk Mexican, and then an adult woman, who looked confused, like the first boy.
It was the next page that caused Penelope to drop the book and jump back in surprise.
No... It can???t be her, Penelope thought as she slowly went back to the book.
On the page was a girl, her hair pulled back in a high ponytail and just under her eye was a small scratch where she had been hit by a guitar that morning ... it had to be her.
What are the chances?
???Matilda???? Penelope whispered. She turned the page, in fake hope that maybe another picture of her missing friend would appear, but of corse it was blank.
A blinding light suddenly erupted from the book, and Penelope was sucked in. The momentum threw the book under the shelf, with Penelope???s picture filling the tenth page.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Howdy!
I’m going to review your work. ☺
1) The first thing I notice about this is it’s a big block of writing, just one simple paragraph. This isn’t visibly appealing to a reader. It would be much better if you split it into paragraphs.
2) It doesn’t appear to be proofread. I’m going to do my best to proofread it, however I strongly advise you to not just look at what I’ve corrected but also proofread it yourself. You can never check your work too many times.
3) You need to learn about speech and how you use it. I’m going to explain it simply. There is one golden rule. A new line for a new person speaking.
4) There are so many question marks in this piece, I’m presuming that it isn’t intended and therefore I’m going to leave them be for you to sort out yourself.
Okay, It needs to be “Pene!”
This is an example of where you’ve incorrectly used speech.
Wooahh. You’ve suddenly switched from third person to first person. I suggest you change this.
It needs to be ‘her ten-year-old sister.’
Now you’re getting your tenses mixed up.
Two things.
1) this is a really long sentence; break it up a little.
2) Said is a boring word.
I think you mean wandering.
This sentence makes no sense.
I think you mean definitely and front.
This is not a sentence.
You mean Politician’s.
It’s ‘a’ not ‘an’.
You mean brother’s.
Okay. This is a good idea but you need to think about the way you write it. You need to proofread it. It’s a shame because the story itself is very good.
Well written although a block of text tends to make people turn away from reading something. Add paragraphs to make it easy for people to read.
Not sure what the ???? is. I think it might be a bug or something, perhaps it has something to do with a flashplayer or something that your using. Try asking someone in charge it might have happened to someone else.
My favourite line: she turned in the page in fake hope.