Hi,
This is fourth try for the beginnig of Lake Girls. This one is defiantly my favorite. I have done a lot of tweeking, so please tell me if there is something I can fix.
-N
Chapter one: Hot-dogs and wine.
"She did what with what?" April Fisher asked in a voice that suggested she had never heard something so disgusting and equally dirty. She sat Indian style on her soft, white Egyptian cotton, bedspread with a glass of 1916 Margaux red wine in one had.
"She used a hot-dog -- well the wiener part to -- you know..." Bridget Granger told April and their other best friend, Brookelyn Walker. She giggled and drained what was left in her burgundy grand cru wine glass.
Brookelyn giggled harder than Bridget did, and April wore a half-amused, half-disgusted look on her face. She took a large swig of her rouge liquid and remarked,
"God, how could anyone be so disgusting? Is she really that desperate?" She shook her head slightly , making her golden blonde hair fall in her face. She swept it out of the way and downed the remaining liquid in her glass with another large swig.
Brookelyn rested her head against the foot of April's black wooden headboard. She closed her violet eyes for a moment and then opened them slightly.
"Did she use ketchup?" Her voice came out sounding like she had been asleep for hours when really she hadn't been at all. "Or mustard or relish or cheese? Any kind of lube?" She sat up straight and waited for an answer to her highly stupid and pointless question. Bridget half frowned and let out a laugh. April rolled her blue-gray eyes and said in a very matter of fact tone:
"No, Brooke of course she didn't. It was raw. She couldn't use a boiled one for that."
Brooke mouthed the word "Oh" and finished her bittersweet wine, that was making her light headed and stupid, in one gulp. Holding her glass between her legs, she put her red-orange hair back in a loose ponytail and then eased back against the headboard sighing.
The three girls sat in silence, none of them talking . Just sitting, doing their own thing. April poured some more wine for herself, probably thinking about the lack of sleep they were getting. Bridget started texting on her Blackberry, which never failed to leave her side, and Brooke almostl asleep. "Do we have anything to eat?" Bridget asked after texting whoever else was up at two on a weeknight. "Probably, but Pablo..." April began but was cut short from Bridget's questioning look.
"What happened to Pierre?" Bridget asked.
April, May (April"s younger sister) and June (April's mother) had no clue what to do in a kitchen, besides how to make coffee, which a six year old could possibly do. After June burned down their old house five years ago, from trying to make a grilled cheese, she hired a live in chef to go along with their maid named Lucy and driver, Al.
"He moved back to Paris to be with his lover." April said putting a French accent when saying lover. She took the glass from between Brooke's legs and placed it on her beside table next to her.
"What? Pierre has a girlfriend?" Bridget's emerald eyes, lined with eyeliner, widened in surprise and amusement. The idea of April's very feminine chef having a girlfriend was very odd to anyone who knew him.
"No. His lover. He's gay; Mom walked in on him and his boyfriend kissing." April gave a sly smile at Bridget who was grinning back.
"I love gay men. I think their so sweet." Bridget smiled at April who smirked back. "Let's order Chinese then." Bridget suggested. She placed her empty wine glass on April's beside table then shoved her curly chestnut brown hair up in a messy bun that would take anyone else minutes to perfect.
"I don't care, as long as we do not have hot-dogs." Brooke told them in a groggy voice. Bridget covered her mouth to make sure she didn't snort from laughing so hard and April shook her head grinning.
"Don't worry, Brooke. We won"t having them for a long time." April patted Brooke's leg and finished her wine.
"Good." She said turning over on her side.
"She is drunk." Bridget told April in what she thought she was a whisper, but was really a quit shout.
"Way to state the obvious." April told Bridget picking up her i-phone and pressing the digits for Chinese food.Bridget giggled and called out her long order to April.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
I didn't find too many mistakes or phasing of things I didn't like in this, that's good.
I think this would be much better stated as: "April, May's younger sister, and June, their mother..."
Do not state the same word twice when they're too close together. Instead, try "April said putting a French accent when saying the last word."
That word clears it up a bit.
Overall:
I'm starting to like this story. I see you've made quite a few additions to this, so I am very curious to read them and continue this.
Hey,
Thank you for the reviews. I just fixed it up. My computer is down, but I do have chapter 2 and 3 completed. It's at my friends house, but I will get her to add it for sometime this week.
Thank-you again!
Love From,
N xoxo
AWESOME. hehe.
this was really funny and entertaining to the reader.
the things i would have picked up on have already been mentoned.
a very promising story.
im interested to discover more of the plot.
good work.
te he
Sure will
Indian should be capitalized, since it's a proper noun, reffering to a nationality.
Hahaha.
Comma after "friend."
"Her" before "Burgundy".
There's some hyphon/comma problems. Change to,
"Brookelyn giggled harder than Bridget did, and April wore a half-amused, half-disgusted look on her face."
I think that "remarked" would be a better verb choice than "stated". Hence, "She took a large swig of her rouge liquid and remarked"
I see no need for the bit between the brackets. Refrain from using brackets, it takes all maturity away from one's work.
Replace "in" with "her".
Make this into one sentence. Hence,"The three girls sat in silence, none of them talking."
The tenses are all wrong here. Change to,"April poured some more wine for herself, probably thinking about the lack of sleep they were getting. Bridget started texting on her Blackberry, which never failed to leave her side, and Brooke fell asleep.
Capitalise French.
This was a good start, and the story seems promising. Just watch that grammar and those tenses
PM me for anything.
--Sarah