*Please don't use full caps in your title.*
Hi, this chapter isn't finished, but I wanted people to tell me what they think before I go on.
-Nicole
Chapter One: Hot dog's and Wine.
“She did what with what?” April Fisher asked in voice that suggested she had never heard something so disgusting.
“She used a hot dog, well the wiener part to – well you know.” Bridget Granger giggled.
April took a large swig of her red wine and added “God, how could anyone be so disgusting? Is she really that desperate?”
Some people really are.
Brooke gave Bridget a puzzling look like she was about to ask a question. “Did she use ketchup?” She questioned in voice that indicated she was serious.
“No, Brooke. Of course she didn’t.” April told her pouring more wine into her crystal wine glass.
“Well, did she use relish, mustard, cheese? Any kind of lube’?” Brooke asked.
Bridget hit Brooke’s arm with the back of her hand and laughed.
“Brooke…” She began.
“What? I’m curious.” Brooke said cutting her off.
“It was frozen. Anyways, it got stuck and she had to go to the emergency room. Her mother told her to go find a man and that this was an embarrassment to the family and all this kind of stuff, and I heard her mother was suppose to set her up with someone over the weekend.” Bridget told them.
Hopefully they won’t have hot dogs!
Brooke sat up on her knees and reached for the bottle of red wine on April’s bedside table. “I can’t believe that Jenna Janes did that. She use to be such a goodie-two-shoes. What happened? ”
“Don’t spill that on my bed. It will take forever to get out.” April told Brooke as she began to pour wine into Brooke’s glass. April’s room was one of the sophisticated rooms. Everything was only in three colours: red, white and black. Her furniture was black, her walls deep red, and the bedspread (where they sat drinking red wine) was white.
Not so bright, are they?
“She did it. Everyone changes after they do it.” Bridget told Brooke also holding up her glass for April to pour more rouge liquid into.
April set the almost empty wine bottle down on her beside table. “Brooke doesn’t know that though. She changed before she lost it.”
Brooke took a small sip of her wine and smiled at her two friends. The year before she had turned fourteen (only three years ago) she had gone to Paris for a month with her Daddy’s ex wife. She had been younger and was always Brooke’s favourite wife. She re-did Brooke completely. Got rid of retainer (which gave her the most horrible lisp) and gave her contacts. Brooke Walker had been turned into a bombshell, which resulted in her losing her virginity.
“I’m hungry, can we order food?” Bridget asked April flopping back on her bed.
April took the empty wine glass out of Bridget’s hand and slid off her tall bed. “What do you want?”
“Hmm… Chinese. I love the noodles. Order a box of them just for me.” Bridget told April as she stretched out her arms and legs.
“I want two boxes of Wong-tongs. I love them, and make sure there is cherry sauce on the side.” Brooke hopped off the bed and raced out of them room to follow April down the stairs, to make sure she order her Wong-tongs.
That girl could eat the greasiest thing in the world and not gain a pound. The lucky duck!
Bridget sauntered down the stairs into April’s wide kitchen, which was never used by any of April’s family members; well only if they were making coffee or cereal. None of them knew how to cook or bake. April’s mother, June Fisher, had burned down April’s house when April was thirteen (five years ago). She had been trying to make grilled cheese. A song by Madonna (June’s favourite singer at the time) had come on and she forgot about the grilled cheese.
“Where’s your mom and May?” Brooke asked sitting up on one of the tall bar stools that was at April’s bar.
April put her finger up in front of her mouth, which told Brooke to shut up.
Hi, this chapter isn't finished, but I wanted people to tell me what they think before I go on.
-Nicole
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
You've picked a good scene to open up your story. However, there are a few parts that distracted me.
First would be your use of parenthesis. You should try to avoid them as much as possible, because they are a huge distraction and often you don't need them anyway. Look for ways to write around them
ex: "The year before she had turned fourteen (only three years ago)" could become "Four years ago, when she was thirteen..." I really don't know why you would say "the year before she turned fourteen" when simply "The year she was thirteen" means the same thing.
The other bit that through me was some of the phrases the girls used. They're eighteen, but they occasionally talk like they're in junior high. Would they be drinking wine? Or wine coolers, Smirnoff, etc? They ARE in high school,
they wouldn't talk about sex as "did it"-- that's too juvenile, esp. for a girl who's already lost her virginity. "lucky duck" is another odd phrase. And I don't think many eighteen-year-olds would refer to their fathers as 'daddy.'
Who is your main character? I'm sensing it's Brooke, but you might want to make that more clear. Describing her transformation as losing a retainer and getting contacts doesn't do it for me. I need more details. What does she look like now?
that's about it. Nice start!
Hi,
Thank you for the review! There were a few things that you were not very clear about.
-The part in bold. I was talking about Brooke, she was in it in the beginning. She made a few comments:
-There are three girls, not two.
Also, I wasn't sure about what you meant here:
-What is the last part? That was the last part, I wasn't sure about what you wanted me to take out.
-Nicole
Here I go. Hope this helps:
1.Brooke took a small sip of her wine and smiled at her two friends. The year before she had turned fourteen (only three years ago) she had gone to Paris for a month with her Daddy’s ex wife. She had been younger and was always Brooke’s favourite wife. She re-did Brooke completely. Got rid of retainer (which gave her the most horrible lisp) and gave her contacts. Brooke Walker had been turned into a bombshell, which resulted in her losing her virginity.
Who's Brooke? Bridgit and April are who you've been talking about. If you meant Brooke, you need to change everytime you said Bridgit in the paragraph above.
2. Bridget sauntered down the stairs into April’s wide kitchen, which was never used by any of April’s family members; well only if they were making coffee or cereal.
You don't need the last part of this. I would sound better if you left off, "well only if they were making coffee or cereal."
3. April’s mother, June Fisher, had burned down April’s house when April was thirteen (five years ago)
April is used too many times in this sentence. Try: April's mother, June Fisher, had burned down their house when April was thirteen. (I wouldn't have the five years ago in their. Either say when she was thirteen, or five years ago.
Okay:
Take out all the narrator's comments. they are confusing and make your story seem bad. While they are funny, they just take away from your story. Now, if you want the girls to think/say some of that stuff, you can do that. But don't have the narrator do it.
Also, you have five senses: Taste, smell, touch, sight, and I can't remember the last one at the moment. But, use al of them. Your story needs more description. what did the wine smell like? was it repulsive at first? Why are they drinking? what is happening? How does the bed feel underneath them? Describe what's happening so I, as the reader, can put myself in their place.
Overall, it was interesting. I enjoyed reading it. Hope this helped. XD
Jamie
Hi,
I really need people to review this for me. I need to know if I should still keep writing. If it is okay to go on with this.
PLEASE REVIEW!
PLEASE REVIEW!
PLEASE REVIEW!
-Nicole