Traumatized (Is that how you spell it?)

Sitting in a dark corner,
Unable to move,
The nightmare I expierenced,
Left me confused.

Staring at the body,
Laying five feet away,
I wish for it to move,
But there it stays.

My stomach is in knots,
How do I explain?,
There is no evidence,
I'm the only one to blame.

I knew she was in trouble,
I just never told,
But now her body is lying there,
Dead and cold.

I will blame myself,
Until the very end,
Because I witnessed the murder,
Of my [b]Best Friend. [/b]




I know it's not the best, But I haven't really had any inspiration to write. So leave me some feedback ;)

-Kaitlyn

Comments & reviews · 3
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User avatar
xanthan gum
Review

okay, listen to snoink rhymathically. otherwise, the poem, albiet good, was a bit dramatic in flavor. i mean, i'm unsure if this actually happened, but it didn't really matter... i will compliment you and say that yes, this will probably be the feeling when you witness something in these terms, but still - it doesn't strike chords with me.

User avatar
Snoink
Review
Snoink wrote a review · Sun Mar 19, 2006 7:47 am

It's not bad.

The metering is sometimes off. That is, certain words don't seem to fit in right. For example:

Sitting in a dark corner,
Unable to move,
The nightmare I expierenced,
Left me confused.

The "left me confused" part sounds just a bit awkward because the metering is 7,5,7,4. We expect one more syllable in the last line, but we don't get it.

That's one of the better stanzas. Some of them are quite awkward. Remember, if you want to have a writing poem, metering is essential. I think I wrote an article about it which is more indepth. You can read it here.

Anyway, good luck with getting rid of that writer's block. It's really nasty stuff, that writer's block I mean.

Oh, and you're right about the spelling. ^_^



"The rules of capitalization are so unfair to the words in the middle of a sentence."
— John Green, Paper Towns