You remember the shakes like it was yesterday - the fear they caused.
It’s a muted memory, but you still remember.
Sage finding you, reassuring you.
You hit your chin as you write this,
Unable to keep your hands on the keys -
Thump thump thump
How do you describe it to others who don’t understand?
It’s in building a fortress of pillows to keep you from hitting the wall.
It’s being afraid of private things that feel too similar to the involuntary movements.
(Things you can’t say in decent company)
It’s being afraid of yourself because you don’t know your next move.
It’s like a hiccup, you say.
That’s the best way to describe it.
Except it’s not.
How do you describe the feeling?
You can’t, not perfectly.
And now you’re clapping,
And not because you’re proud of your work.
A long pause because you can’t physically type anymore.
Out slips a noise from your throat.
It feels performative because it always acts up when you’re thinking about it.
But you know it can’t be helped.
And you just keep on ticcing.