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you have a tic disorder

by kryptonianmenace


You remember the shakes like it was yesterday - the fear they caused.
It’s a muted memory, but you still remember.
Sage finding you, reassuring you.

You hit your chin as you write this,
Unable to keep your hands on the keys -
Thump thump thump
SMACK.

How do you describe it to others who don’t understand?

It’s in building a fortress of pillows to keep you from hitting the wall.
It’s being afraid of private things that feel too similar to the involuntary movements.
(Things you can’t say in decent company)
It’s being afraid of yourself because you don’t know your next move.

It’s like a hiccup, you say.
That’s the best way to describe it.

Except it’s not.
How do you describe the feeling?
You can’t, not perfectly.

And now you’re clapping,
And not because you’re proud of your work.

A long pause because you can’t physically type anymore.
Out slips a noise from your throat.

It feels performative because it always acts up when you’re thinking about it.
But you know it can’t be helped.

And you just keep on ticcing.


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Thu Jan 28, 2021 11:05 pm
whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi there kryptonianmenace!

I've never actually read a poem about tics, so I'm really glad you decided to write one! Representation is so important in all writing, including poetry <3 I liked your choice to write this poem in the second person; it pulls the reader into the poem nicely. It also adds more effect to lines like "How do you describe it to others who don't understand", because that's what this poem is doing for the reader, yet the reader gets to feel the narrator's frustration as if it were their own. (Does that even make sense? I'm not quite sure how to put what I'm trying to say into words, haha, but long story short, I like that it's in second person!)

You remember the shakes like it was yesterday - the fear they caused.
It’s a muted memory, but you still remember.
I like how you open the poem with an attention-catching statement! The alliteration of "muted memory" is also super nice here c: One small suggestion I had is that you repeat "remember" here twice in two lines, and especially for the opening stanza, I think it'd be good if there wasn't any unnecessary repetition. Maybe you could change out "but you still remember" with a description of the memories, instead? Like "seared dimly onto the backs of your eyelids" -> something like that would complement the idea of a "muted memory" nicely! Of course that's just an example off the top of my head, and I'm sure you could come up with something a million times better ;)

You hit your chin as you write this,
Unable to keep your hands on the keys -
Thump thump thump
SMACK.
I love how simple yet impactful this second stanza is <3 I do think there's some great opportunity to dig even further into a description of the sounds here; how does the thumping sound? like muffled thunder? like pounding a nail with a hammer that always misses and strikes your hand? It's a chance to add even more specific emotions to the description, so the reader knows exactly how to feel.

It’s in building a fortress of pillows to keep you from hitting the wall.
It’s being afraid of private things that feel too similar to the involuntary movements.
(Things you can’t say in decent company)
It’s being afraid of yourself because you don’t know your next move.
I think the first two lines of this stanza could benefit from being cut in half? Something like, "It’s in building a fortress of pillows / to keep you from hitting the wall" and "It’s being afraid of private things / that feel too similar to the involuntary movements" would work well! I think it'd help to add a nice flow to this part of the poem.
Also, oh my goodness?? The final line of this stanza is so poignant !! You encapsulate so many feeling and concepts into one single, heart-wrenching sentence.

It’s like a hiccup, you say.
That’s the best way to describe it.

Except it’s not.
How do you describe the feeling?
You can’t, not perfectly.
Hmm these two stanza feel a bit repetitive - I think the sentiments of the second stanza could be put more concisely into one single line. (As a rule of thumb, if something isn't adding extra meaning to a poem, it's best to take it out. You want to try to convey all your meaning in as concise a way as possible, to keep the reader engaged. Take it from someone who's chronically long-winded haha) Something along the lines of: "It’s like a hiccup, you say. / That’s the best way to describe it. / But that's as accurate as comparing / water going down a drain to a tornado." Here, you'd be able to use some imagery to convey some more emotion and meaning, and you wouldn't be repeating the sentiment of "that's innacurate" to the same extent. Again, that's just an example, and if you do change it, it's totally up to you what descriptions you use!

And you just keep on ticcing.
Aah a very effective ending! <3

All in all, this was a really interesting and touching poem. You do a good job overall of conveying the many different emotions the narrator has about their tics, and you also do a great job of keeping the poem engaging and easy to read! I hope this review is helpful, and if you have any questions about anything I've brought up, feel free to ask!

Keep writing c:

whatcha




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Wed Jan 27, 2021 8:08 pm
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RainbowCereal says...



This has a lot of really well conveyed feeling! The structure of it was really nice and I felt like you did a good job of saying what you needed to without it really dragging from a reader's perspective. Keep up the good work!!






Thank you!



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Mon Jan 25, 2021 10:37 am
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silented1 says...



That sucks so much. Best wishes.






Thanks!



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Fri Jan 22, 2021 3:28 pm
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this is really good I really liked it






Thank you!



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Fri Jan 22, 2021 12:39 pm
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Haileyg21 wrote a review...



Hiyo! this is hailey for a review. This is lovely. I Honestly dont have words. Since I have a friend who does this I understand it.
"You hit your chin as you write this,
Unable to keep your hands on the keys -
Thump thump thump
SMACK."
This is the part I have seen so many time. Its was really good and beautifully written. It flows really well too. I want to thank you for sharing this with our community. It is beautiful.






Thank you! I'm glad you liked it!




cron
Don't aim at success--the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one's dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one's surrender to a person other than oneself.
— Viktor E. Frankl