Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: At first glance, this seems like the start to what could be a pretty cool story. It certainly seems to contain all the basics that you want to see at the start of a story. Its got a bit of a hook, the characters seem pretty interesting and there's definitely things to look forward to here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"Ugh, where's the office?" I mumble under my breath, looking at the empty hall. I turn the corner, crash into a supposed wall, spilling my stuff everywhere. I scramble to pick my stuff up.

"Ow, watch where you're going," a guy says. I look up seeing a tall man standing there.

"Oh, I'm sorry," I say. He looks at me and smiles showing his pearly whites, "It's okay, I'm Ben," he says, "what's your name?" I just stare at his golden, brown eyes dumbly.

"Hello, what's your name?" he asks, while waving his gigantic hands in my face. "Oh, sorry, it's Jordan," I say shaking off my daze.

There's an awkward pause before I ask, "Can you show me to the office?"

"A little forward, don't you think?" he asks raising his perfectly arched eyebrow.

"Oh no, I didn't mean it that way, you could just point me in the direction of the office!" I exclaim nervously.

He starts roaring out in laughter, he says, "I was just joking, I can show you the way." Then he looks at me and smirks. "I wouldn't mind being seen with you anyway," he says looking me up and down.

Hey, I'm FantasyWriter76 or Fantasy76, if you preferred. I've reviewed your other story "Isles of Zodiac Chapter 1", an interesting read, and I suggest anyone reading this review to check it out. Now, my review will focus on both the positive and negative aspects of your story. So strap in, review commencing in 3... 2... 1!

The Positives

This is quite the original idea. I wouldn't think anyone would write something like this around the site, and I've entered the Green Room more than one time. Everyone all about their fantasy and action-adventure. But this realistic-fiction is a nice change of pace. Good job on being original!

The Negatives (Remember: ART IS SUBJECTIVE!)
Two things bug me here that I will state:
-The length
-Seemingly rushed typing
And also some nitpicks.

This is quite short, and we don't really learn anything about our two protagonists besides their names and genders. It would be more beneficial if this story was much longer and we knew the two better. You know what I mean, right?

This whole thing looks likes it was typed as fast as possible and churned out to meet some kind of deadline. Take your time when typing so your story is more polished, okay?

{NITPICKS HERE} Awkward spacing, nonexistent capitalization, and weird punctuation.

This was FantasyWriter76 and time for the arbitrary rating. Though this story is original the lack of effort put in shows. 3.5 supposed walls out of 5 (3.5/5). Sorry if this is a disappointing rating, but this is what I think personally. I hope your day is FANTASTICAL!
-FantasyWriter76/Fantasy76

Hello!

Stegosaurus here for a review!

This was a lovely little chapter of your novel. The characters seemed nice and could be related with most people who decide on reading this. I have a little suggestion as for this chapter: make it longer. Most chapters for most novels range from 1,000-2,000 words and can give the reader a place to sit down and read. This can easily be read in two minutes. As I can also see, you haven't written the next chapter, meaning the reader will be wondering what has happened and could possible make them forget about the whole novel.
You seem to also have the formatting a little off from making new paragraphs. When you use the tab key, use it for a new paragraph, not just dialogues and whatnot. However, that could be up to you for whatever reason. Just understand: it will look cleaner and more organized if you have it that way.

It also seems to be just start in a middle of somewhere. Sure, most novels begin with a adventure and whatnot but you should describe where the narrator is at: describe the setting of where they might work. Explain more in depth of how they know the guy, instead of expecting the reader to imagine it (description is key when imagining stuff).

I turn the corner, crash into a wall, spilling my stuff everywhere.

Hey kratos17! I'm fang4life101, and I'm new on here, and so far, I'm on a non-stop reviewing streak. So anyways, I LOVE what you did here! I could NEVER find myself in this type of situation (or opportunity ;D ) with MY crush, which is so unfair, yet super lucky of you! I agree with Eros, about going more in depth about Ben. What does he look like? How does he make you feel? How does he look at you? Stuff like that, you know? But other than that, even if I COULD find myself in this type of situation, I would NEVER gather enough courage to expose my crush on here! So that's great for you, and you're VERY bold! No joke! This was awesome, again! Keep writing, you're doing awesome!

Hello Kratos!!

This is Eros here to review your work!!

I must say, this is a wonderful creation. It has very articualted and beautiful words. Each word is conveying meaning. The plot is interesting, and so is the story. I like the way of describing events. Here, Jordan, is confused to the way to Office. She is not careful while walking and bangs with a wall. I think, you should describe the reason for her banging with the wall. Like, she was ill or her head was aching... Well, this was unique. I have heard many a times and I have also seen in many films, that a girl crashes with a beautiful guy and falls in love with him. But this plot was unique. I like this uniqueness.

I think that you should describe Ben in depth, like Fanty has mentioned in her comment. It helps to make the story real, and it adds a real beauty to the stuff. I too got same comments, and it has helped me to write better.
You are doing really great!
Keep writing...,
For we love to read them!

Hi there Kratos! I'm TheFantasy14! Welcome to the site!
I'm excited to see you're already diving into YWS life. Ah, yes I remember when I signed up... *Gazes off into the distance*

Alright okay. All joking aside, it's review time! I like your characters. They're realistic and believable, which is important in this kind of genre, so hats off to you in that respect. I haven't seen much of their character thus far so I didn't have the chance to make a real connection with either of them, but those things happen with time.

Your writing has a lot of potential, It flows fairly well, and your style is unique, bit there are a few things that need tweaking.

"I turn the corner, crashing into a wall, spilling my stuff everywhere"
Just a thought, you don't have to take my advice on this, but I felt like there was a word missing here, and it kind of threw me off.
Maybe try: "I turn the corner, crashing into a wall, AND spilling my stuff everywhere"

" 'Ow, watch where your going,' A guy says"
Wait, I thought she crashed into a wall. did I read something wrong? Maybe change this part so it's a bit more clear, I sort of got confused.

Here's my nit pick here. (Sorry. I tend to pick nits a lot...)
You use the word 'guy' a to describe Ben in this, but you used the same term to describe him in the last sentence too. maybe instead of just saying she turns around and sees a 'tall guy' try describing Ben in more depth. His hair and eye color, what he's wearing, that sort of thing.
It was a really good first post, I can't wait to see where you take the story and how your characters develop!

Good luck and welcome!

-Fanty

Hi kratos17! Hermione here for a review! First of all, welcome to YWS! I hope you find this site useful, and if you have any questions, don't be afraid to shoot me a PM.

Anyways, this is a pretty good start to a story. I like how you wrote it in first person present tense, which is a personal favorite of mine. It makes the reader feel like they are right there with your main character. You did a good job with sticking to this point of view and not hopping around. This beginning could go a million different ways, which is a good thing, but it's a bit of an overused narrative. A girl goes to a new school, does something clumsy, is rescued and escorted by a mysterious, cute fellow, and then a few chapters later they're madly in love. For someone who is a fan of sappy romances, I don't mind this cliche too awful much, but I want to see you take it somewhere different. Make this story unique and yours! I know you can do it!

One way I think you could do this is by adding more descriptions. Describe Jordan's feelings about the new school. Why did she have to move there? Is she upset or nervous? What does the hallway she's walking down look, smell, and sound like? How does the setting of the new school make her feel? Maybe she hears a squeak of a shoe that makes her jump. Maybe the hallway is unbearably lonely and large, and she's afraid to make noise. Just a few suggestions. Also, another question you need to address is why your main character is trying to find the office.

Another opportunity I saw where you could make your story stand out is the place where Jordan ran into Ben:

I look up seeing a tall guy standing there.

Hi Kratos!

Welcome to YWS! I hope you love it here as much as I do. I'm going to review this piece of yours and give you a few pointers towards how to make a great piece better.

First, this is a very good start to a novel (I assume?) Will you be writing more? If so, I'd really like to read the rest when you put it up. I really like how sarcastic and charismatic the boy in the story is. His comments made me laugh. Good job with that! One of the best attention holders when writing a novel is humour.

A few suggestions. For clarity, I would suggest creating a new paragraph every time the dialogue switches speakers. For instance,

"Oh, I'm sorry," I say.
He looks at me and smiles, "It's okay, I'm Ben, he says, "what's your name."

This way, it will be clear to your reader that it isn't the same person speaking. Plus, it makes the writing flow easier.

Another suggestion: try fleshing this out a bit more. I feel like there is a lot of detail you can add to the prose so the reader can see what's happening better. Maybe add what the protagonist is thinking or doing with her hands. Things like, "I shifted the books in my arms" or "I squirmed a little under his penetrating gaze" add a lot to the story and make it feel more real.

One nitpick: "He looks at me and smiles, "It's okay, I'm Ben," he says, "what's your name." Here I think you meant to put a question mark instead of a period. If you fix that you'll be golden.

Overall, I'd say this is a very promising piece. I can't wait to see more of your work! And once again, welcome to YWS.

~Joy